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Young Writers Society



Dragonstar - Chapter 4

by blaster219


Previously - After escaping from penthouse, Korodo and Trace fled in a jumpcraft. Chased through the city scape by Caldrin and two of his assassins, Trace was eventually able to give them the slip. Korodo wasn't exactly happy with Trace's reckless piloting and proceeding to berate him about it. Angered, and remembering that he had a job to do, Trace dumped the half-dragon in an allyway and sped off. As he flew, heading towards the lockup where he was to drop of the stolen jumpcraft, he was unware that the ISPD agent had found him again and was following.

After dumping Korodo in the alleyway, it took Trace nearly ten minutes to skirt around the city core; the flight from the noble’s penthouse had left him on the opposite side of the city from the guild garage where he needed to take the jumper. He could have taken a short cut through the core, but in a stolen and damaged vehicle, it was not worth the added risk. So, he had been forced to fly a circuitous route avoiding the known police hot spots. Eventually he arrived at one of Jurrika City’s sprawling industrial zones.

Although traffic here was relatively light at this time of night, there was still activity taking place below. Alchemical furnaces belched noxious fumes into the night sky and robotic manufacturing complexes operated without biological oversight. The periodic flares from factory exhaust vents illuminated the area with orange flashes creating an image of an industrialised version of the Nine Hells. Few people wanted to be be here during the day and the scarcity of people in the area at night made this particular area a haven for illicit activities.

As he flew over the industrial sprawl, certain that any danger of pursuit had passed, Trace failed to spot the assault jumper close rapidly from behind. Before he had even realised that he was being followed, Caldrin's jumper fired its plasma cannons. The bolts of superheated matter struck Trace's jumpcraft, shearing off the remaining thruster pod and disabling the vectored-thrust lift fans. Robbed of its propulsion and lift, the jumpcraft tumbled out of the sky, careening towards the ground. “Shiv shiv shiv SHIV!” he yelled as the ground rushed up to meet him. Emergency levitation enchantments tried to slow the descent as Trace struggled with the controls but it was all in vain; the vehicle was already flying low and it lost altitude rapidly, clipping an exhaust vent. He closed his eyes just before the impact, he knew that this was going hurt.

Caldrin watched as the jumpcraft smacked onto the low roof of a warehouse, scraping across the top before tumbling into an alleyway and out of sight. After circling around the crash site, Caldrin landed his assault jumper nearby.

Trace dragged himself out from under the upside-down wreck of the jumpcraft, still dazed by the crash. Crying out in pain when he tried to stand, he looked down at his left leg. His leg was broken below the knee, the fractured bone piercing the skin, blood flowing freely out of the wound. He glanced up as a figure entered the alleyway, ready to call out for help. Trace immediately recognised the black body suit the figure was wearing as the same type as the one worn by the assassins earlier, although the figure’s appeared to be significantly bulkier. Drawing his pistol, he brought it up in an attempt to fire.

Caldrin was quicker, bringing up his weapon and shooting the gun out of the boy’s hand. As he strode towards him, Trace reached down and pulled out a small knife that had been tucked into his sock. Before he could do anything with it, the knife was kicked out of his hand. He yelped in pain. The drow picked up the boy by the collar of his top, the muscle enhancers of his suit making it seem like he weighed almost nothing, and threw him down the alley.

Trace grunted as he struck the ground, rolling twice before coming to a rest against a support pillar. The drow was on him in a second, roughly binding his hands behind his back. As he lay slumped against the pillar, Caldrin knelt down in front of him. “Hmm, compound fracture to the left tibia. I expect that’s extremely painful.”

As Caldrin leaned in close, Trace recognised him. He had seen the drow at Dorga’s bar two or three times over the last couple of weeks. Rumour had it that he had been an ISPD agent and it looked like for once the rumours were right. “Screw you snakehead,” muttered Trace painfully, using the street slang for an ISPD agent.

Caldrin merely smiled as he leant forward, grasping the broken bone and applying pressure. Trace screamed as Caldrin gripped the wound tightly, the sudden and intense pain bringing unwanted tears to his eyes. The drow released his grip and stood up. “Where is Lord Korodo?”

“Who?” Trace responded, failing utterly in an attempt to look innocent.

Caldrin slapped Trace across the face angrily. “Don’t play games with me boy,” he hissed, “you know exactly who I’m talking about.” He punctuated his point with kick to Trace’s side. The boy grunted with the strike.

“I ain’t telling you nothing,” he answered defiantly. There was no way that he was going tell the drow where he had left the half-dragon. He may be a thief, but he wasn’t proud of it and despite how many times Dorga had tried to beat it out of him, there was still a shred of decency left in him and he wasn’t about to point the assassin at the half-dragon just to save his own skin, even if he hated the nobles guts.

The drow stamped on the broken leg, causing Trace to scream again. “Fine,” he said unclipping a length of black rope from his belt, “we’ll do this the hard way.” Placing one foot firmly on Trace's chest in order to prevent the boy from crawling away, Caldrin looped the rope around a crossbeam connected to the support pillar. Hoisting Trace up on to his feet, he tied the loose end into a noose around the boy's neck, pulling the rope taut. Trace was forced to half-slump against the pillar, placing all his weight on his right foot. If he slipped or fell, the noose would quickly tighten and strangle him. “Let's try this again,” Caldrin said quietly, menacingly, “where is Lord Korodo?”

“Get bent!” The ISPD punched him twice in the stomach and chest hard enough for Trace to feel at least one rib crack. The blow caused him to stumble slightly, the rope tightening around his neck.

“Where is he?”

“I don't know, the last time I saw him was ten minutes ago. He could be half-way across the city by now!” The answer failed to satisfy the drow and it earned Trace another blow. This one to the face, breaking his nose with a wet crunch and smacking the back of his head against the metal support. The questions continued, as did the beating. Blow after blow, alternating between his body and his head. With each blow, Trace got dizzier, finding it increasingly hard to stay on his feet. “Please,” he begged, “I don't know where he is, I swear.” In truth, he could no longer remember where had had left the noble, he was having trouble thinking clearly through the pain.

Caldrin paused and looked at the boy. Blood was pouring from his broken nose and several gashes to the face. One eye had already swollen closed and with every breath, he seemed to cough up more blood. He leaned in close and whispered in Trace's ear.

“Honestly, I think you're telling the truth.” He began to walk back and forth in front of Trace, cracking his knuckles. “It was supposed to be a simple operation. Hire someone from the Guild to bypass the penthouse security system so that my men could perform their mission. Afterwards, planted evidence would point to a bungled theft and the Guild thief would be blamed for Korodo's murder.” He fixed Trace with a smouldering glare. “You were perfect, a no name street punk with a record a mile long. No one would care when they frog-marched you to a firing squad without even bothering with a trial.”

“Dorga set me up.” Trace whispered.

“Not quite, I doubt he even had an inkling of what the plan was. In fact, he actually seemed concerned about your welfare.”

“Yeah right.”

“Nevertheless, the plan is dead now. All that's left is to eliminate any loose ends that might lead back to the agency,” Caldrin said, smiling cruelly. Trace realised at that moment that he was one of those loose ends. The realisation made him struggle even more in an attempt to free his hands. A blow to the side of his head stunned him, almost knocking him off his feet. Without being given a chance to recover, more blows followed. Trace could feel himself starting to pass out but he struggled to keep awake and on his feet. If he lost consciousness and fell, the noose around his neck would tighten and then it would all be over. He started to panic, crying out for help. Desperately hoping that someone, anyone, would be able to hear him. At the back of his mind however, he knew that the chances of anyone being nearby were slim indeed. Eventually he fell silent except for the occasional plea for mercy, his vision starting to blur from the pain and blood loss. He knew that he only had a few minutes left until he could no longer stand.

----

Fastening the straps on the body armour, Korodo turned to the orc at the controls of the jumper. “Barak, are we still locked onto the homing beacon?”

Barak tapped the small screen in front of him and nodded. “Yeah, we’re still getting a strong signal. It hasn’t moved in the last ten minutes though.” Like Korodo, the orc was wearing body armour. Unlike Korodo’s, which was relatively clean, Barak’s was scuffed and scarred; a veteran of many battles, like its wearer. “ETA two minutes, I’ll set us down some way off. No telling what sort of situation we might find, this area is not a good place at night.”

“That’s why I employ you and your big gun,” Korodo said, smiling.

Behind the two of them, in the armoured passenger compartment, sat a young human women, also in body armour. Her armour only barely fitted her slight form and she didn’t appear comfortable wearing it as she played nervously with her pendant. Korodo leaned round in his seat to look at her. “Tsukiko, when we land, stay here in the jumper in case we need you.”

“You got it L K,” she responded.

“I mean it, no heroics. You’re the only one with proper medical training and I’ve already lost one person tonight.”

“Activating stealth mode,” Barak reported, tapping several buttons on an overhead control panel. “Time to see if that enchantment was worth the money we paid for it,” he muttered under his breath. Magical energy flowed through special conduits to a series of small crystals embedded beneath the bodywork. Together they created a field around the jumper rendering it invisible. The enchantment also dampened the sound of the jumper’s engines.

The now silent and invisible jumper approached the location of the homing signal. Luckily for them, although the security system and tracking device on the stolen jumpcraft had been disabled by Trace, the manual homing beacon that Korodo had activated as they escaped the penthouse was still transmitting. After being picked up by Barak and Tsukiko, they had tracked the jumpcraft into the heart of the industrial zone. As Barak piloted the jumper, Korodo looked down at the warehouse and saw the damage inflicted on its roof. “Looks like it crashed onto that warehouse and slid into that alleyway. Stupid kid.”

“I’ll set us down a short distance from the alley’s entrance.” Barak said as he brought the jumper in for a landing. “You remember our little talk on the buddy system?” He asked Korodo.

“You lead, I follow.”

As soon as the jumper had landed, Korodo and Barak jumped out, weapons ready. Barak took the lead, advancing stealthily towards the alleyway, assault blaster in hand. Approaching the alleyway, he held his fist up, signalling to the following Korodo to stop. He could hear sounds from around the corner. Barak signalled again to Korodo, his hand a blur of signals. The half-dragon responded with a blank look unable to understand the complex military signals. Barak rolled his eyes and, as clearly as possible, indicated that they would enter the alleyway on the count of three.

With their weapons ready to fire, they quietly ran into the alleyway. Halfway down its length, they ran up behind the wreckage of Korodo’s jumpcraft, using it as cover. Korodo looked over the top of the jumpcraft, shocked by what he saw. Barak, a former imperial legionnaire, acted as his training took over. He fired a warning shot, a single blaster bolt striking the wall near the drow. “Step away from the kid!”

Caldrin slowly turned, facing Barak and Korodo. At the sound of the voice, Trace forced himself to look up, his blurred vision focusing on the figures behind the jumpcraft. Confused, he recognised one of them as Korodo. For a few brief tense seconds, no one moved or said anything, and then Caldrin turned his head slightly towards Trace. A sly smile was on his face, a smile that only the semi-conscious boy could see. In a blur of speed, his foot lashed out and connected with Trace’s right ankle. With a sickening crack, Trace’s ankle snapped under the force of the muscle-enhanced kick. The pain caused him to scream, but as he fell, the noose tightened choking off his cry. Caldrin rolled to the side as Korodo and Barak opened fire, blaster bolts and gyrojet rounds streaking down the alleyway. Crouching behind a dumpster, the drow fired his own weapon at his attackers, the yellow beam of his laser gouging rents and pits in the crumpled bodywork of the jumpcraft.

As Barak stitched the dumpster with sprays of blaster fire, Korodo looked over at Trace. The boy was desperately trying to stand up, but with a broken leg and ankle, it was proving to be impossible. As he watched, his struggles were becoming weaker and less coordinated. From his position behind the dumpster, the drow had a clear shot at Trace. If he wanted to, he could shoot the boy in the head, but it was obvious that he wanted the boy’s death to be slow and painful. Realising that he only had one chance, Korodo took careful aim at the rope. Breathing out, he squeezed the trigger severing the rope with a single gyrojet round.

Trace dropped to the floor just as his vision darkened. Although his body weight was no longer pulling on the noose, it was still tight around his neck preventing any air from getting into his lungs. Unable to remain conscious any more, the boy passed out.

Caldrin looked to Trace as he fell, the boy lay still on the floor and his eyes were closed. The agent was considering shooting him in the head just to make sure he was dead when a burst of blaster bolts finally ripped through the metal of the dumpster and struck him in the chest. The armour weave of his body suit absorbed the energy of the bolts but the force of their impact drove him to the floor, gasping for breath and dropping his weapon. When he reached to pick it up, he discovered the barrel was a mass of melted plastic and burnt wiring. One of the bolts must have struck it, rendering it useless. Thundering footsteps heralded the imminent arrival of Korodo and his damned orc lackey. Unarmed and outnumbered, Caldrin sighed and activated his internal teleport web. Magical energy surged from spellware, erupting from his body like cracking electricity. In an instant, space around his form seemed to implode inwards and he vanished with a pop of inrushing air.

Barak rounded the dumpster, his weapon aimed at the spot where Caldrin had lain and cursed. Korodo meanwhile had rushed over to the unconscious boy. He quickly loosened the noose and removed the rope from around his neck. “Tsuki, we need you over here pronto.” Less than a minute later, Tsukiko ran around the corner clutching a medical kit. Korodo looked up as she knelt down “He’s got a pulse but I don’t think he’s breathing.”

“Gods, I thought you just wanted to ask him a few questions not beat him to a pulp!” She said as she began to treat him. Korodo scowled in response and was about to reply when Tsukiko continued. “These injuries are bad, I can’t treat them here. We need to get him to a hospital.”

Korodo nodded reluctantly and pulled out his comm. Before he could dial the number, Barak placed his hand over the comm. “Taking him to a hospital would be a mistake.”

“I’m not doctor but if we don’t take him, he could die from these injuries,” Korodo said.

“If we take him to hospital he’ll die for sure,” Barak explained, “because if his injuries don’t kill him that drow will find a way to finish him off.”

“Excuse me,” Tsukiko interrupted, “while I’m sure this is a fascinating conversation, whilst you two are dithering, this kid is probably bleeding to death internally.”

“What do you suggest then Barak?”

“We take him back to the ship; Tsukiko can use the facilities in the medbay to treat him.”

“Fine,” Tsukiko said as she began to make Trace ready to be moved using the force stretcher from the medical kit. “But I still say he should be taken to hospital.”

“We can better ensure his safety on board the ship,” Barak stated as Korodo activated the force stretcher generating a horizontal wall of force between the folding handles. “He’s still got questions to answer and he can’t do that if he’s dead.”

Tsukiko looked up at the orc, an amused smile on her face. “Aww, and here I was thinking you had gone soft on us.”

Helping her move Trace onto the stretcher, Barak smiled back. “Hey, beneath this gruff exterior lies a caring, sensitive soul that just happens to wear body armour and carry a very big gun.” The two men carried the stretcher to the jumper, securing it in the back with Tsukiko. As he sat down in the pilot’s seat, the orc picked up a communications headset and started the jumper’s systems. “Bolts, wake up.”

----

Back on Korodo’s luxury yacht, a man shorts, t-shirt and trainers had his feet up on the console. The three seat cockpit was cramped, almost every spare surface covered in controls. Bolts, the yacht’s engineer, put down his comic book when a voice came over the communicator. “Very funny; what’s up?”

“Launch prep ASAP, we’re coming in hot plus one. ETA 8 minutes,” responded Barak’s tinny voice on the other end.

Bolts paused, rubbing his temple before answering. “You know I’ve got no idea what you’re saying when you lapse into military jargon.”

“He means,” Tsukiko said into her own headset, “we’re on our way back and you need to fire the ship up ‘cos we’re taking off as soon as we arrive. We might have someone following us, oh and power up the medbay, we’ve got an injured kid to take care of.”

“Then why didn’t he say that,” he said tapping commands onto a forearm-mounted computer. “See you in eight.” He accessed the ships control systems by remote, entering the codes to start up the main reactor and switch to internal power, disconnecting the starport umbilical.


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17 Reviews


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Sun Jul 26, 2009 12:34 am
blaster219 says...



Bickazer wrote:Cut them out, and replace them with more concrete examples--maybe something he did in the past that also displays his inner nature.


Oh forgot to add, I did something like this in the first chapter with the sub-plot involving Tobs and Samantha. In fact, its the whole reason why he's in this mess in the first place.

Trace was holding back on giving the guild their weekly cut of his takings. He was doing this because he was saving up to buy tickets and travel papers for two orphaned kids he was taking care of. Trace had found the two kids on the street after the guild murdered their parents. The guild had done this because their father was cop, one of the few good cops in the city that refused to take a bribe. So the guild had killed him and his wife as a lesson to the others.

Being a member of the guild, Trace felt responsible for the murders, even though he had nothing to do with them so he took the kids in and looked after them. After secretly tracking down their grandparents who lived offworld and in another imperial province, he was effectively stealing money from the guild to send his friends to live with their grandparents, keeping it a secret so he could surprise Tobs on his birthday.

The whole subplot was included because I wanted to show that he does have a good side to him, that he does care about other people and has sense of morals.




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Sun Jul 26, 2009 12:12 am
blaster219 says...



I'm currently editing the next two chapters (which are the last two I've written so far) trying to incorporate some of the suggestions you've made. Particularly, trying to describe how characters are feeling as well as simply saying what they do.

The 2nd parahgraph of chap 6 is an infodump that I've never been happy with. It's too jarring given what's going on. But at the moment I don't know how to excise it whilst still providing the information to the reader. Basically describing what a soulmech is and why they exist. One of the character's is one and it's something the reader should really know. For the time being I'm going to leave it in until a better idea comes across.

Shiv (noun)
Synonyms: Frell, frack, dren (another other scifi expletive)

Basically, this was the second story I started to write seriously and I wanted to make it more family friendly than the last one (which I haven't been posting here) so I wanted to cut down on the swearing. In the last story, the main character's were foul-mouthed little buggers at some time. So I "made" a swear word for the character in this story to use. It's pretty much an obvious analogue to the vulger version of the word "poo".

Jumper = Jumpcraft, in the same way that car = motorcar and sometimes automobile. And yeah, I can see the similarities to puddle jumpers in Stargate:Atlantis. One of my favourite shows. However, not every jumpcraft/jumper can cloak. Just ones with that system or similar enchantments.

The Dragonstar universe follows a very simple rule. Science makes the rules, Magic breaks them. For example, there is no such thing as faster than light travel or artificial gravity. Both of those things violate the laws of physics (as we currently know them). The Dragon Empire uses magic to get around scientific limitations. Long range teleports for FTL ships, spells for artifical gravity. Even implanted magic items in place of cyberware. However, it still makes use of computers, fusion technology, guns and all manner of technological items. Its a universe where magic and science aren't opposing forces, but two halves of the same reality.

The next chapter has less action in it, and is a little more talky. Hopefully, it manages to convey the characters a bit better.




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Sat Jul 25, 2009 11:15 pm
Bickazer wrote a review...



Hi, blaster219, it's me again. This will be my first review as an Instructor, so I'll try making it as in-depth as possible.

So, he had been forced to fly a circuitous route avoiding the known police hot spots.


The first comma breaks the flow and is unnecessary.

Although traffic here was relatively light at this time of night, there was still activity taking place below.


Not too fond of the pasive voice here; while it's excusable in the first clause, it gets very clunky with the second clause. I can see an opportunity here for some strong figurative language, which starts with eliminating the "there was".

The periodic flares from factory exhaust vents illuminated the area with orange flashes creating an image of an industrialised version of the Nine Hells.


You need a comma after "flashes". Also, I'm a bit confused about this mention of "Nine Hells".

Shiv shiv shiv SHIV!” he yelled as the ground rushed up to meet him.


Shiv? Sorry, but I'm thinking of The Dark Knight Returns ("Don't shiv! Balls nasty! Ain't fan!"...sorry), which is probably not what you were intending.

He closed his eyes just before the impact, he knew that this was going hurt.


This is a little more insight into Trace's feelings, but I reiterate what I said earlier about tying his emotions more to the action.

Trace dragged himself out from under the upside-down wreck of the jumpcraft, still dazed by the crash. Crying out in pain when he tried to stand, he looked down at his left leg. His leg was broken below the knee, the fractured bone piercing the skin, blood flowing freely out of the wound.


This badly needs some insight into Trace's mind. He just broke his leg yet he's feeling nothing. Yes, you do have him crying out in pain, but that means nothing since I can't feel his pain.

Some of my inability to connect to Trace's pain comes from something I've noticed already in your writing--you tend to describe things visually. Which is fine; I have a very concrete picture of the city all this is taking place in and the description of the industrial district is particularly vivid. However, you have to remember there are four other senses as well as sight. Utilize those. The broken leg obviously hurts--is it a sharp, jagged pain, or is it more of a numb feeling? It's probably injured enough that Trace is starting to taste something metallic in his mouth, or maybe bile in his throat. The acrid rusty-metal smell of blood is a definite factor if you want to keep things realistic. What is he hearing as well? The pounding of his heart, a dull roaring in his ears?

It helps imagining yourself in the scenario, even if your character is completely different from his. Most people would probably stare, unbelieving, at such an injury until the pain really begins setting in. Trace doesn't seem like the kind of person who'd start screaming when he realizes what's happened, but he should react somehow besides just noting that a lot of blood is flowing.

In my previous review, I also mentioned how the words you employ in your viewpoint scenes can have a major impact on characterization. I'll reiterate that here, since this scene is one in strong need of a connection between the protagonist and the audience.

He glanced up as a figure entered the alleyway, ready to call out for help.


Who is ready to call for help? Trace, or the figure?

Drawing his pistol, he brought it up in an attempt to fire.


"In an attempt to" is clunky...in fact, most of that second caluse is unnecessary. The audience can infer that when he brings the pistol up, he means to fire with it.

Caldrin was quicker, bringing up his weapon and shooting the gun out of the boy’s hand. As he strode towards him, Trace reached down and pulled out a small knife that had been tucked into his sock. Before he could do anything with it, the knife was kicked out of his hand. He yelped in pain. The drow picked up the boy by the collar of his top, the muscle enhancers of his suit making it seem like he weighed almost nothing, and threw him down the alley.


I like the idea of muscle enhancers, it's another worldbuilding detail that isn't too consipcuous yet interests the reader.

That being said, this is also a paragraph in bad need of an emotional reaction from Trace. I'm getting detached, which is bad at this point.

“Screw you snakehead,” muttered Trace painfully,


Here it is...the dreaded "Character dialogue-tagged adverbly" construction. It's fine once in a blue moon. A very, very, very blue moon. Otherwise, remove the adverb and probably the dialogue tag as well. Show us Trace's pain in his actions and thoughts.

Caldrin merely smiled as he leant forward, grasping the broken bone and applying pressure. Trace screamed as Caldrin gripped the wound tightly, the sudden and intense pain bringing unwanted tears to his eyes.


Like this. I still think the pain could be described in more vivid terms. Don't get more purple, but give it more impact so that we readers feel Trace's pain as badly as he is.

Caldrin slapped Trace across the face angrily.


Watch out with the adverbs...you're like me, I notice, in that you're an adverb abuser. XD In most cases, adverbs hinder rather than help. Go back and excise all the adverbs you can from the piece. Sometimes, it's impossible, but in a case like this the "angrily" is definitely unnecessary. The fact that he's slapping Trace already speaks to him being angry, not to mention his dialogue later.

The boy grunted with the strike.


"With the strike" = lard, please cut. The sentence would be much more emphatic without it.

“I ain’t telling you nothing,” he answered defiantly.


More "Character dialogue-tagged adverbly". This will be the last time I'll point it out along with general overuse with adverbs; you should be able to catch those yourself.

There was no way that he was going tell the drow where he had left the half-dragon. He may be a thief, but he wasn’t proud of it and despite how many times Dorga had tried to beat it out of him, there was still a shred of decency left in him and he wasn’t about to point the assassin at the half-dragon just to save his own skin, even if he hated the nobles guts.


I like this bit of characterization--it's finally giving me a reason to like Trace. He does have a noble side, suppressed as it might be.

That being said, a lot of the paragraph feels like repetition. Not just of the phrase "half-dragon", but you seem to be reiterating the same point ("Trace still has decency in him") in various permutations. Cut them out, and replace them with more concrete examples--maybe something he did in the past that also displays his inner nature. Actions speak louder than words, even in a novel.

The drow stamped on the broken leg, causing Trace to scream again. “Fine,” he said unclipping a length of black rope from his belt, “we’ll do this the hard way.” Placing one foot firmly on Trace's chest in order to prevent the boy from crawling away, Caldrin looped the rope around a crossbeam connected to the support pillar. Hoisting Trace up on to his feet, he tied the loose end into a noose around the boy's neck, pulling the rope taut. Trace was forced to half-slump against the pillar, placing all his weight on his right foot. If he slipped or fell, the noose would quickly tighten and strangle him. “Let's try this again,” Caldrin said quietly, menacingly, “where is Lord Korodo?”

“Get bent!” The ISPD punched him twice in the stomach and chest hard enough for Trace to feel at least one rib crack. The blow caused him to stumble slightly, the rope tightening around his neck.


Again, I want to feel more of Trace's emotions in this scene. Right now, I feel like I'm watching a puppet or a robot get pummelled given Trace's utter lack of real reaction to what's happening to him.

In truth, he could no longer remember where had had left the noble, he was having trouble thinking clearly through the pain.


Again, you've got a good start here.

If he lost consciousness and fell, the noose around his neck would tighten and then it would all be over. He started to panic, crying out for help. Desperately hoping that someone, anyone, would be able to hear him. At the back of his mind however, he knew that the chances of anyone being nearby were slim indeed. Eventually he fell silent except for the occasional plea for mercy, his vision starting to blur from the pain and blood loss. He knew that he only had a few minutes left until he could no longer stand.


This is even better. We're seeing a vulnerable side to Trace, which helps us sympathize with him. A character who does badass things and can take an inhuman amount of pain might not be cool, but they are not a well-rounded character. By giving us this peek into Trace's mind, you're making him more human.

It's interesting how little things like emotional reactions can do so much for a character--I hated Trace in the first part I read, but now I'm really starting to feel bad for his situation. It helps that you've put him in a hopeless situation where the stakes are impossibly high. We root for him immediately and wonder how he's going to get out of this.

Behind the two of them, in the armoured passenger compartment, sat a young human women, also in body armour.


This is probably a typo, but "woman" is the singular.

Her armour only barely fitted her slight form and she didn’t appear comfortable wearing it as she played nervously with her pendant.


This sentence is a bit of a mouthful; split it.

“Activating stealth mode,” Barak reported, tapping several buttons on an overhead control panel.


What he's saying is already a "report"; no need to hammer it in with the dialogue tag.

Together they created a field around the jumper rendering it invisible.


You're missing a comma, but I think the sentence would sound better if you restated it. "...the jumper that rendered in invisible".

I'm not sure if you've used the term before in your story, but I'm thinking of the jumper as something as like the puddle jumpers in Stargate Atlantis. Especially since they can cloak.

Barak signalled again to Korodo, his hand a blur of signals. The half-dragon responded with a blank look unable to understand the complex military signals.


My eyes are starting to become blank with the amount of times you're repeating "signal". It's becoming unfortunately comical, some rephrasing is necessary.

Korodo looked over the top of the jumpcraft, shocked by what he saw.


Random question: is a jumpcraft the same thing as a jumper? If they're different, what's the difference?

At the sound of the voice, Trace forced himself to look up, his blurred vision focusing on the figures behind the jumpcraft.


I am not fond of this, since you have previously established a third person limited perspective (granted, with changing perspectives). You're changing perspectives mid-scene and it's jarring.

For a few brief tense seconds


Though I know they don't mean the same thing, "brief tense" feels redundant. It's probably because you're already conveying brevity by saying "few". The "brief" is unnecessary.

Breathing out, he squeezed the trigger severing the rope with a single gyrojet round.


You're missing a comma after "trigger".

Unable to remain conscious any more, the boy passed out.


Um...the suddenness of this is almost comical. If this is from Trace's perspective (and I am no longer certain of that), then you should go more in-depth. Describe the black creeping in at the edges of his vision, the aching in his lungs. Then how everything disappears. Do it in your own words though.

The agent was considering shooting him in the head just to make sure he was dead


Ugh, another messy perspective change. This is a scene that should have a lot of impact but has none since I'm sitting around scratching my head and trying to figure out just whose perspective it's from.

Barak rounded the dumpster, his weapon aimed at the spot where Caldrin had lain and cursed.


The way this is phrased seems to imply that Caldrin was the one who cursed, when I think you mean Barak.

Korodo looked up as she knelt down “He’s got a pulse but I don’t think he’s breathing.”


Missing a period here.

“Excuse me,” Tsukiko interrupted, “while I’m sure this is a fascinating conversation, whilst you two are dithering, this kid is probably bleeding to death internally.”


This doesn't sound natural; who actually says "whilst"?

Back on Korodo’s luxury yacht, a man shorts, t-shirt and trainers had his feet up on the console.


A man shorts? I think you mean a man in shorts.

Bolts, the yacht’s engineer, put down his comic book when a voice came over the communicator.


Nice piece of characterization. ^^

He accessed the ships control systems by remote, entering the codes to start up the main reactor and switch to internal power, disconnecting the starport umbilical.


This is a mouthful of a sentence, and I've no clue what an umbilical is.

Overall thoughts:

I both liked this more than the first part I read, and less.

What I liked a lot better was the first scene--the one where Caldrin is interrogating Trace. In particular, that scene got me to completely reverse my positions on Caldrin and Trace. At the end of part 3, I was liking Caldrin a sight better than Trace because I could get into his head while Trace was an adrenaline junkie sociopath (I promise that's the last time I'll say that) who did insane things for no reason at all. By the end of the first scene in this part, I ended up liking Trace a ton and sympathizing with his plight, while hating Caldrin for being a callous torturing bastard. Excellent job there.

Much of that was helped along by you delving a little more into Trace's head with this section, particularly the bit near the end where he realizes his situation was helpless. You haven't shown that much insight in his character before, so that paragraph was particularly powerful because it finally funneled (if you'll excuse the odd terminology) into his mind and showed us, the readers, exactly what was running through his mind. Something the previous part entirely lacked. I could really feel Trace's desperation. I also appreciated the insight into his character given by the paragraph where he mentions that there's a line he won't cross. It makes more sense now why he would have let Korodo live.

That being said, you could have done with more insight than just those two paragraphs. In particular, I felt an uncomfortable distance from the narrative in the scenes where Caldrin was torturing Trace. Almost as if you were fine writing the physical aspect of torture, but not the emotional repercussions. I wanted to know: what's Trace thinking and feeling as Caldrin makes him his punching bag? The scene where he breaks his leg in particular bothered me because it felt more like Trace was watching someone else's leg break than his own. Hearing a cry of pain, seeing bone and blood. What's he feeling? Does he realize at that moment that his cause his hopeless? If he really is the protagonist, I'd like a deeper look into his head rather than constantly being held at arms-length from him.

Finally, the last scene: I didn't like it. I'm sorry, but compared to the first scene...it felt flat. Much of that--no, most of that--came from the wildly jumping perspectives. You were sticking to third person limited before but suddenly with that scene you came forward with omniscient perspective and it was very jarring. Omnisicent suits some stories but doesn't suit others; this is one which it doesn't suit. You need a viewpoint character to anchor the scene more concretely into the reader's mind. The last scene had no impact for me beyond confusion because I couldn't tell if Korodo, Barak, Trace, or Caldrin was the viewpoint character. Either split it into several smaller scenes, or else change it so it's told through only one of their perspectives--most likely it'd work best with Korodo. Actually, I can see you intercutting to a brief scene with Trace as Trace as passing out. But make it abundantly clear that one intercut is a different scene.

Also, I felt that Korodo had no motivation for helping Trace, especially since the kid stole his jumpcraft and kidnapped him. Perhaps the reason is meant to be mysterious, but introduce more of an element of mystery early on if that's the case. Right now, it feels like he did all that for no reason at all. You could amend this again by having the scene entirely from Korodo's perspective.

As before, there was nothing wrong with your prose--you had some missing commas, unnecessary words, and adverb abuse, but nothing that majorly detracted from your meaning. As usual, your snappy and clear prose serves the purpose of moving the world forward while dropping small details that enrich your world piece by piece. As I said earlier though, I'd like to experience this world through more senses than just sight.

Finally, I must say that I love the little details about this world of yours, particularly its blend of science fiction and fantasy. It's bizarre, yet it works. It works and it's fun as hell. The way the characters speak so matter-of-factly about spells yet fly around in hovercraft fills me with a lot of incongruous glee. It appears you've struck my tastes dead center, which doesn't happen often because I have such unusual tastes. ^^

I'm liking this story so far, and will definitely stick around for more.

PM if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.





The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb