z

Young Writers Society


12+

Sunshine

by blankspaceformythoughts


Days like this, I’m lost in a sea of thoughts.

Drifting unable to see land, the future.

Mindlessly paddling not knowing where to go.

Each stroke flashing a memory of my past.

Laughter, tears, every emotion bubbling to the surface.

Eventually, I stop paddling.

Laying flat, eyes closed on the wood listening, searching.

Is this what the calm before the storm is?

When I open my eyes, the world has gone grey.

The memories drifting away in the breeze.

I’ve hit shore.

Unsure of where to go, I cautiously step out.

A weight lifts off my shoulders.

I made a decision without realizing.

Looking out to sea wishing to bring back that color.

But taking in every breath.

I am alive.

Moving slowly with the motions learning the ways of everyone else.

Losing myself in a sea of people who don’t know me.

The earth beautiful around me.

But not able to see an inch of it.

Stumbling on my decisions.

Falling down on the pavement.

Deeper and deeper away from reality.

Unable to stand this time, I crouch on my hands and knees.

Shallow breathing.

I hear footsteps from far away.

Not looking up knowing they’ll walk away drifting like the others.

But they don’t.

A bright yellow light beams off the shoes that stopped in front of me.

I start to look up as their elegant hand reaches out to me.

My eyes fall upon his breathless smile and rich brown eyes.

I’ve never seen someone so risky, breaking away from the others.

Unsure of what to do, say.

He reaches down farther delicately grasping onto my hands.

He lifts me unfazed with his sturdy muscled arms.

All I can do is stare in awe as he surely pulls me towards the water.

Not the ocean but a waterfall with a crystal white lake beneath.

He lifts me up into his arms and steps into the water.

Deeper and deeper he goes until we’re both submerged.

He grazes my cheek with his callused fingers.

I feel something tingle in the back of my brain.

A memory.

Unable to see the pictures clearly.

I know him.

Gazing into his eyes searching for more.

His smile drawing me in, getting lost.

I feel his lips graze my ear as he whispers, “I love you”.

I look at him in confusion not knowing the words.

How did I hear you speak in a world of silence?

He smiles distantly as he pulls away, further and further into the deep waters.

Unable to breathe, I break through the surface.

Opening my eyes I see a burst of bright light.

Colors splashing over the world like the canvas of an artist.

I feel everything all at once.

A love just out of reach.

Yet so beautiful all at once.

With each step, I spread more brightness just as he had.

Touching the souls of every person I pass.

A ray of sunshine in their eyes.

I am set free.


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16 Reviews


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Tue Jul 07, 2020 11:45 pm
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Dragonthorn wrote a review...



Greetings fellow writer, I'm Thorn, and I'll be reviewing for you today.

---->Some lines are simple and quite shorter than the others, which usually are full of detail and imagery that pulls you in. That kind of language can seem almost dizzy, but not the good kind of dizzy. More of a "I'm so dizzy and I might pass out." Not in the literal way, but it seems incomplete when the others are wonderfully done.

Here are a few examples of what I mean.

--->"I am set free."
-> That could be changed to anything. Maybe 'like a bird set free' or really anything with that snazzy phrasing, or something more exciting. What I said above can also work with the sunshine you referenced, but that's only a suggestion to you, so you can throw it away if you don't like it.

--->A memory.
-> A lot could work here because it's only two words.

Someone already mentioned the comma issue, so I'll stop reviewing now. If anything is a little odd, just ask me to clarify.

Catch you later.




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465 Reviews


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Mon Jul 06, 2020 2:37 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here :D If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!
This is quite a nice poem! It's interesting, as the reader wants to know what happens to the speaker. I enjoyed reading it! There are a few things I'd like to point out if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!

The first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now, your poem is a block of text and looks a bit intimidating. People are more likely to read something that doesn't look like a whole bunch of text, so I think dividing your poem into stanzas would make this an easier read and will attract more people.

The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. Like queenoni said, you use a period after every single lines. A period tells the reader to stop for a brief moment, so after every single line, the reader has to stop for a bit. This disrupts the flow, or at least, it disrupted it to me. The poem seemed to drag on by this. I think you should revise your punctuation. A lot of them could easily be replaced by commas. For example

Days like this, I’m lost in a sea of thoughts,

Drifting unable to see land, the future,

Mindlessly paddling not knowing where to go.


I've replaced two of the periods with commas. You also don't have to punctuate every line - some lines can be left without punctuation. Feel free to play with your punctuation, but remember to be consistent in whatever you do!

I think that your poem could use a bit more imagery. You describe a lot of things in this poem, so there are many great spots to add some imagery. For example

When I open my eyes, the world has gone grey.


How has the world gone grey? Did the sun hide behind mountains of clouds? Is it all one shade of grey? And you could describe the vanishing of colors; I think that would be quite interesting. Maybe you could say something like "it was as if someone had ripped all the color out of the world" and so on. That's just an example off the top of my head xD There are so many things you could play with here and in other places. I feel that right now the descriptions aren't that vivid, so you could definitely play with that too.

Overall, this is a really nice piece! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped :D




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Points: 58
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Mon Jul 06, 2020 6:22 am
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queenoni wrote a review...



Hi there! I just read through your poem and enjoyed it a bunch even though I don't often read poetry. I liked how it started off as though the subject was lost and ended with them finding love in the people they're close to. The imagery was really powerful and I was able to picture everything you were describing. Your poem took me through a low and ended me off with a high and was easy to follow.
One thing I noticed was how you ended every line with a period, where using a comma would have been more appropriate.
Overall great poem! Keep on writing!





“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly