Charlie didn't know that the reckless mistake he committed in the past week would thwart him from achieving the goal of his life.
Gravel crackled beneath his feet as he sped toward the front door of Number 4, Hexlunton drive. He have had a hell of a weekend, maybe it wasn't his very best time, clearly.
He let himself enter with an involuntary twitch of his left eye, he stopped for a moment but it was too late. The door closed behind him with a definitive click as if teasing him about how he had entered into the mouth of danger itself.
"Really?"
A tall man with black shades spoke in a drawl.
There were four men, two of which stood behind him guarding the door, so he couldn't escape. The other two sat on the sofas which were set around a glass top table in the hall.
"Gerry!," Charlie said tentatively.
"Yes. Now, did you really think you could escape from us?," he said lousily.
"We don't have time for this!," a woman had just appeared out from behind which made Charlie alert.
"But--," Gerry repressed himself at the sight of her gesture which clearly meant for him to shut his mouth.
"Now, Charlie where is it?," her voice was soft but the danger that lurked in her tone wasn't difficult to decipher.
"What are you talking about Shanaya?," he lied, trying to sound brave.
Her blond hair cascaded down her left, a blue evening dress clinged to her body, though it ws afternoon.
"Where is the key?," she shouted, her voice ended at a shrilly note.
"I--I--I lost it," Charlie said with all the guts he had. He regretted to tell her the truth, only if he had told a lie, he could have made something up but like I said it wasn't his best time.
"You know what I told you?," she said with a maniac smile surfacing on her face.
"Yes, If I do my job, I can have the money and..,"
"You can use that money in your dream project. But alas! here we are..," she stopped for a moment but only to shout, "Without that key!."
All the four men looked at the scene as if a super hit movie rolled in front of them, though they looked quite scared to be at Charlie's place.
"By the way..Why is this key important?," Charlie asked, which wasn't the best thing to do at the time.
"Do you want that money or not?," she said darkly.
"Of course!"
"Two days, you have two days, thats it," she said sharply.
"What? I thought..one week would.."
Her sharp look was enough to make Charlie get the point that he wasn't to be given any more time.
"Okay! Two weeks," he almost squeaked.
She left the place with a imperious walk, the four men following her outside.
Tom heaved a sigh, once they were gone.
Two days! thats it, thats all he had now. It was the matter of his dream and life, he had to do it, for he had no alternative now.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hallo there! One sane not done at 2am review as promised. Most of the other reviews have focused more on grammar and wording, so I think I might skip most of that today.
As always, don't take this too harshly, it's all for your improvement. And don't forget to keep writing! <3
To start with, I'm going to say that you have the beginnings of a good idea here. From what I've gathered, there's an important key, and the main character has lost it. Unfortunately, that's all I got out of it. What I want to know in this chapter is at least part of the reason why this key is so important. For all I know, it could just be someone's only house key. And frankly, unless this is a ditzy-happy children's story about not losing keys, you'd need to add more detail to pique my interest.
Your characters, so far, are also pretty flat. All I've gathered from this is that Shanaya is angry and Charlie seems to find this whole situation a lot less worrying than it should be. In this first chapter, you have to be bold and loud. You need to give us a reason to feel some sort of emotion towards the character. Use bold, demanding words. Tell us a bit more about Charlie. What does he look like? What is he feeling? That sort of stuff. A simple way to fit this in could be a couple of medium-short paragraphs of info about him mixed in with a bit of scene-setting while he runs towards his destination.
I see that you've also labelled your story as "Mystery/Suspense". So far, there's a tiny tad of a mystery, but it's not suspenseful. I'm not on the edge of my seat dying to know what this key is all about. There isn't enough hype around it. Most likely, I would have forgotten about that key by the end of the day. You need to write in those hooks that have me coming back for more. So far, you've shown me the food. What you need to do is give me a small taste of it that leaves me wanting more. (Sorry for the food analogy. I'm eating lunch while writing this.) A good story is one that you're hungry for - one that you'd devour on site.
You've also labelled the story as "Supernatural". So far, there's not even the slightest hint of supernatural in the story. In the real world, if someone goes to read your story and it's in the Supernatural section, they'd be wanting to read a supernatural story. Some people when they are looking to buy a book would read the first chapter to give themselves a bit of a taste for the story. If they don't see any supernatural, the story would have to be pretty darn good for them to keep reading. My suggestion for slipping in a bit of supernatural into this chapter would be to maybe describe something strange about the key such as a soft glow emanating from the key. This could be slipped in when Shanaya asks for "it". An example of this: Charlie's thoughts nervously flickered to the soft unearthly glow of the missing key. "What are you talking about, Shanaya?" he forced out, poorly feigning braveness.
One good thing that I did notice is the way that you conveyed speech. Generally, you've described the way they speak in a rather good way, putting in the right amount of emotion. Your word choices there have also helped present the correct tones in the speech.
On a more general note, your main issue is more detail. Wording and grammar also need to be fixed, but other members have already covered most bases for that. I'd be interested to see how you edit this chapter and would be more than willing to gift you another one of my rare chapter reviews (I'm a poetry chick) if/when you post the next chapter.
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*
Also, a bit of self-promotion, but if you wish to, feel free to nominate my review.
this wasn't something planned, I thought and wrote it in half an hour, just to test myself, though I shouldn't have done so...
But it turned out to be beneficial as I learned so much from it, thank you for posting your review..
Review coming in a bit.
Hey Blakey, here is a review.
Weak opening. It didn't really pique my curiosity because the theme of making reckless choices with life changing consequences is kind of ambiguous. If you're going to tell us that he made a mistake, you should also give us a reason to stick around.
For instance, if I were to tell you of a character that had, after a streak of wild behavior, ended up in an insane asylum, you might have some mild interest. But if I were to tell you instead that he ended up in an insane asylum because of Pontius Pilate, then this would grab your attention. What could Pontius Pilate have to do with an insane asylum? And you would read on.
There are many different mistakes to make, so if you're going to tell us that he made a mistake, hint that it is an interesting one.
Awkward sentence.
Combine these sentences so that they are on the same line. By separating them, I heard "Really" but didn't know who had said it. Then I expected the tall man to say something in response to the unknown speaker. It was some time before I realized that the tall man was the original speaker.
Very cliche dialogue. Also, she appear out from behind of what?
Technically, it isn't a lie to ask what she's asking about. A lie would have been to tell her the wrong location of the key. Instead, he avoided answering, which would make this an evasion.
Was he supposed to say two days instead?
Overall, the piece is a decent first draft. The descriptions are very choppy and it can make it difficult to follow. More time should be spent on establishing the setting and describing the characters in the setting. Dialogue is pretty weak, but that may be a result of the characters, which seem like stock villains. Spend more time working on the villains, so that their character goes through.
First thank you for your review..it does help. The mistake of two weeks and two days, sorry! should have seen that. Next time, I'll remember the things you highlighted..so really thanx a lot.
Hey there! blakey789
This is my first review, and i'm also some what new. Joining YWS during the beginning of this month.
What i liked:
I like the introduction you did for the chapter, and i felt the dialogue went together smoothly (dialogue is something i'm not the best at).
I also liked the name of the Novel. Haha, just thought i'd throw that in there.
What i didn't like:
One thing i didn't like was some of the mistakes that were in the first chapter. For example:
"Two days, you have two days, thats it," she said sharply.
The word "Thats" Should be "That's" as in "that is" don't forget to use apostrophes.
Also i felt the chapter was kind of short, it'll be good and pull more readers in by making the chapters slightly longer throughout the novel.
There are other grammar mistakes throughout the chapter. I suggest you use word before you upload your work.
I would also like to suggest that you should add more description in the chapter.
Hope this short review helps
God bless and keep writing!
I know..to be honest this wasn't something well thought out, I just wanted to test myself so I wrote that piece in half an hour..didn't plan anything..and for the "thats" mistake..I'll remember.
Glad you liked the name, opening line and dialogue.
Thnx for reviewing..
I know..to be honest this wasn't something well thought out, I just wanted to test myself so I wrote that piece in half an hour..didn't plan anything..and for the "thats" mistake..I'll remember.
Glad you liked the name, opening line and dialogue.
Thnx for reviewing..
Quick impressions on the first read through:
How can it be "maybe" and "clearly" at the same time?
This sounds like the twitch of his eye opened the door. Is this what you meant? Otherwise maybe break it to two sentences like: He entered. His left eye twitched involuntarily.
I admit it's clunky with two "he"s at the beginning of both sentences, but you seemed to want to go for that anyway.
On that note what you have here is a comma splice: when two independent and complete sentences are linked together with only a comma. Grammar error! This can be fixed by making them separate sentences, adding a conjunction, or maybe using a semi-colon if you feel it's appropriate. But maybe a more important problem is: how was it too late to stop, and what was he stopping? He already entered. "He let himself enter" describes a completed action, so what is he stopping?
"super hit movie" seems out of place with the tone of the rest of everything, and also the regular phrasing is "in Charlie's place".
But they said two days!
And suddenly, who is Tom?! Did you mean Charlie?
Overall, I think this is a pretty general cliff-hanger sort of entry into a story. We don't really know what's going on, so we're interested to find out in that way. In another way, though, we might be annoyed that we get the pretty standard run through of: protagonist in danger 'cause he needs to find some mysterious object and we don't know why it's important but the bad guys seem to. Maybe giving us reasons why these people are villainous would be helpful? What keeps Charlie under their control? Just the money? Then why does he feel like he's walking into danger? What makes these people seem dangerous and not just in power? There's a difference between a powerful, stern business-woman and a vicious gang or mob leader, you know? I'd like to see a few more hints as to what we'll be reading to REALLY hook me in.
On that note, this dream of Charlie's seems pretty important, too. Does this bad lady know all about it? Does she know how important it is to Charlie? If so, how? Why? Did he tell her? And does she really support his dream or just the fact that she can give him money and control him with it like a carrot on the end of a stick?
I hope these questions make sense.
PM me or leave me a wall post if you have questions or comments~
Good luck!
Thnx for the helpful review..
I know I should have seen that two weeks and two days mistake.
I'll look out for the comma splice for the next time.
But let me tell you this wasn't something planned, I thought and wrote it in half an hour, just to test myself, though I shouldn't have done so...
I told you its a small part of the chapter so its still not complete, that's why there are so many questions unanswered.
You pointed the pros and cons as a reader, so really helpful again..thnx
Hey there!
Starleene here!
Blakey I am here to deliver you a review! I’ll try to keep it short and sweet!
“Charlie didn't know that the reckless mistake he committed in the past week would thwart him from achieving the goal of his life.”
I like this as a beginning because it grabs the readers attentions but I would almost like to see is more as a prologue rather than the opening sentence.
“He have had a hell of a weekend, maybe it wasn't his very best time, clearly.”
“He (had) had a hell of a weekend…” maybe you could move clearly to the right before the comma so the sentence reads “He had had a hell of a weekend, clearly it wasn’t his very best time.” Seems a little more readable, though maybe you should check out a couple more ways to say it, hm?
“"Gerry!," Charlie said tentatively.”
No need for a comma after an exclamation mark. The sentence has already ended itself.
“"Yes. Now, did you really think you could escape from us?," he said lousily.”
Same here.
‘"We don't have time for this!," a woman had just appeared out from behind which made Charlie alert.”
From behind what? Maybe you could elaborate? And you also put a comma here after the exclamation mark.
‘"But--," Gerry repressed himself at the sight of her gesture which clearly meant for him to shut his mouth.”
Comma after gesture.
‘"Now, Charlie where is it?," her voice was soft but the danger that lurked in her tone wasn't difficult to decipher.”
The setup of the dialogue is wrong. “Now Charlie, where is it?” is the proper way to set up the breaks in this piece.
‘"What are you talking about Shanaya?," he lied, trying to sound brave.”
“What? Are you talking about Shanaya?” Correct set up.
“Her blond hair cascaded down her left, a blue evening dress clinged to her body, though it ws afternoon.”
You have a slight typo, I believe it’s supposed to be (was)
"Where is the key?," she shouted, her voice ended at a shrilly note.
“…he could have made something up but like I said it wasn't his best time.”
It seems wrong to place (I) in this sentence especially because the rest of the piece is written in 3rd person.
‘"By the way..Why is this key important?,"’
Hmm, this doesn’t seem to fit the character or the plot at all. I don’t know, it just seems wrong.
"Two days, you have two days, thats it," she said sharply.
Apostrophe in that’s
‘"Okay! Two weeks," he almost squeaked.”
I think something got wrong in the translation, The woman said two days and it says two weeks here. Just FYI
“Tom heaved a sigh, once they were gone.”
Tom? Who is this Tom guy?
“Two days! thats it, thats all he had now. It was the matter of his dream and life, he had to do it, for he had no alternative now.”
Apostrophe in that’s before and after comma.
Pretty good! I knew you had it in you! You have a good thing going here, just a few minor adjustments and you’ll be on your way! I like the plot and it really drew me in so I can’t wait to read more!
Good luck! Keep Writing!
Starleene Out!
Again! sorry for the two weeks and two days mistake..
As it goes to comma, punctuation marks and break, I'm not very good, though I'll definitely keep that in mind.
It's "What are you talking about, Shanaya?"
He's asking the woman Shanaya about what she's talking about, actually he's just trying to be evasive about the topic.
Really half of the mistakes are just because it wasn't very thought out, it was all done and thought in half an hour, for I wanted to test myself and your review really helped a lot, so thank you!
Hi, blakey789.
I'm here to review for you, as requested. This is good, it's pretty entertaining and it shows you have the potential to write something big!
However, I found some constant errors that need to be corrected, and I also want to suggest something for your story to be even better!
First, let's talk about punctuation in the dialogue. It is not grammatically correct to do this in English:
When your character is asking something, there's no need to write a comma too. Also, if he is asking, shouldn't that "said" be replaced by "asked"?
I would also love to see more descriptions in between the dialogues. How where the characters moving while talking? How did they feel about the situation and what were they thinking? What was happening in the place where they were? More tell and less show. Actually, it is great to make a great balance between show and tell because that would hook the reader up, and that is what we want. :] It's about making the reader more comfortable, make it feel like home.
That's my grain of sand. Overall, I really like it. Hopefully, I've expressed myself correctly. :]
~GeeLyria
Thanx for the lovely review..
I'm not good at punctuation but now I'll keep that in mind while writing..
If you read my above replies, you'd know that it isn't very descriptive, as it was thought and planned in half an hour, just to test myself.
Really after reading these reviews, it has helped me in a lot of things..
You can expect much better things from me in the future, for sure..
Thanx for the lovely review..
I'm not good at punctuation but now I'll keep that in mind while writing..
If you read my above replies, you'd know that it isn't very descriptive, as it was thought and planned in half an hour, just to test myself.
Really after reading these reviews, it has helped me in a lot of things..
You can expect much better things from me in the future, for sure..