why?

Ive read many a question poem and hated them all. You ask many questions but dont provide answers, surrendering all meaning of a poem - I understand you have tried to provoke thought but it didnt seem to work.

If you are content on reading question poetry, search "What were they like" - I cant remember the poet.

What make sthe places where i hide?

Move the s!

Apart from that this was very emotional, lol it hit a spot! Keep writing!

miyaviloves

I believe it's good, but it lacks color in my oppinion. There's emotion, but where's it coming from. When I think of emotional poetry I think the write should feel that way. I know you and I don't see how you feel the way the poem is. If I'm wrong I'm sorry, thats just how i look at it.

some of the ligns/questions are answerable by simple logic... maybe you should state more original and not so predictable questions

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

blackwings_angel:


I do mean to be harsh.

There must be 10,000 poems on the internet that are indistinguishable from this.

The innocent boy/girl who loses his/her closest relatives, the questions asked to escape from reality - this is cliche, cliche, cliche. It's a heavy handed attempt to generate sympathy for an abstraction - the missing parents and frightened/confused child.

Anybody can ask questions of the world. What will make your poetry worth more than junk is answering them.

If you want to elevate your work above its current level, that would not be such a bad place to start.


All the best,
Brad

oui oui! thanks for all the help guys, i'm just getting into poetry

I really liked it
everybody corrected it and such
and I AM CRYING
it's six thirty in the morning (six heure et demie for the French Speaking)
... wow...
I hear a little girls voice in my head

This was certainly very emotional, and I liked the unique way you explained through questions, rather than simple sentences, up until the last verse. You clearly have an instinctive grasp of some of the essentials here:

1. Your rhyming is very natural, when it occurs, even if it is erratically placed.
2. You know how to express yourself in a particular form without distorting the meaning.
3. Your final verse shows a sense of the dramatic (always helpful) and (more important) an inkling of how to end a poem with flair.

So kudos!

There are some things I think you could work on though.

First of all, there is something missing in the way you addressed the reader here. Asking questions is all very well, but it does get a bit repetitive after a few lines! Also, none of the questions seem to be thematically linked to the rest - i.e. they explain the child's bewilderment, but not coherently. In a way, this contributes to the formation of the character and scene; however, as it stands I do think it makes the poem seem amateurish and hard to follow. What I would advise is editing each verse and perhaps deciding on a particular idea you want to convey in each one. Then you can write around that idea, and perhaps connect each verse in the way you express them. I would also reduce the number of questions to one or two per stanza, as over-crowding lessens their impact.

Secondly, perhaps I'm being picky here but I found the poem too simplistic. True, you are conveying a child's conception of death and heaven - but at the same time, there is no deeper content than that. There is nothing to make an older reader see it and find something unique or essential in what you are saying. Or, as I like to put it, there is no "aha!" moment at the end I think you perhaps need to work on exploring this theme a bit more, and perhaps making your descriptions a bit less prosaic (i.e. like Claudette said, a bit more poetic).

I do think you've done quite well with this piece though. A bit of polishing and it could be really awesome

Cheers,
~bubbles

PS: Welcome to YWS!

Oh, that's so sad. I almost, cried, and it takes a lot for me to do that. The only mistakes are the ones Claudette pointed out, and please capitalize your 'I's.

Otherwise it's great, very emotional.

who painted the clouds in the sky?
who frosted the mountains?
who is death?
who makes the tears we all cry?

why Is the grass green [semicolon, comma, or period. Some sort of punctuation here] is it sick?

What make sthe places where i hide?