There

You know repetition can emphasise but it can also whack you metaphorically on the head when you go overboard. Instead of repeating the same phrase use variety. Because people soon get bored of this continuelly 'but you weren't there' it's only affective once or twice, through the whole poem. It begin to drone on, losing the effect you wished. Rather than seeming more tragic it just bores. Whereas using the term worded differently keep the reader interested.

One more thing, since you keep repeating 'I' this comes dangerously close to 'navelgazing' use more than I. It gets old quick

Overall: You lose the wanted effect with this droning repetition. You'd keep the effect if you kept people interest by using variety in all of it. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks everyone!

Brilliant.
I can't really add much to that.
Well done.

Its suppose to be like that its parallel structure. I like it the poem don't change anything.

Hi blacktiger--

Can I suggest a different form for this? When reading a poem it gets horribly boring to read the same line over and and over and over and over and over again. This is especially true when it's every other line and the lines between it all start with the same phrasing pattern. I just want to suggest that you find another way to say these things....like instead of saying "I took my first step" say something like "My tiny toes took their first step" and instead of "I beat up a boy for kissing me" something like 'A boy kissed me and I beat him up" or instead of "I went on my first date" something such as "My first date came and went". Just a simple rephrasing will do the trick. For the "And you weren't there" a little more rephrasing will have to be done. Something like "daddy videotaped it" or "You weren't in the stands" or "I didn't have bows in my hair" or something that would signify in the end that something was missing but until the end we don't know what.

I looked at you and tempted to ask why you weren’t never there,

Not knowing that you were in jail,
I just smiled and said,
“I’m glad that you’re here, mom.”

Thanks, I'll do better.

I really liked this one! ^_^ Agreeing with CK Lynn, though, your ending was a bit too abrupt to get whatever emotion you were trying to get across to us. Maybe a little bit of expansion on your last line or two can help with that. Otherwise, this was really good and the repetition of "You weren't there" helped the reader understand the hurt and/or disappointment in the author's eyes.

Well done!

~*Sydney*~

Hey, I've read a lot of your stuff lately. I'm getting used to your writing style. I like the repetition, it really emphaized the point you wanted to get across. But, I wondered about this section:

"I went on my first date,
And you weren’t there.
I got my first kiss,
And you weren’t there."

What mom goes on her daughters first date? I think your trying to say the your mom wasn't there to share your excitement, but it was really sketchy. You may want to consider re-wording it. (You have it easy since this poem didn't ryhme.)

i liked it espaecially the twist wasn't excepting it. i did think it was your dad. i disagree with M.B too i liked how it was something different. i also like the repitioon. it was needed just listing things would have felt like it was running long.

Thank you all for your comments.

Hmmm... It was different, but ended too quickly for us to know much.

I liked this a lot. The repetition was necessary in order to show how crushing it was to have mom not show up over and over and over again. I disagree with M.B in that respect, and her position on the ending. I loved the ending. It was original and artful.
I actually really really enjoyed this poem, more then I thought I would from someone new. Keep on writing.

What?! That was odd. I was reading it, and thinking maybe it was your dad,
or maybe like a boy frined or something, but mom? What a twist. I don't
know if I like this twist.

It was too repeative. Just line, and then "you weren't there" or something.
I would rethink this.

Good Luck!

-- M.B.Author