Published January 14, 2008
Why?
Why are girls blindsided?
Females have complex minds,
As males are single minded.
I'm in a class of all boys
Their girlfriends should hear.
Some girls know that there boy is to good to be true.
And 99% of the time it is.
Telling their friends where the other fine girls are,
While the girlfriend talks about how good he is to her.
The girl walks with him and clearly sees him
Checking out the hoe walking seductively towards them.
The girlfriend does nothing.
Just holds his hand tightly.
He cheats.
She forgives.
She cheats.
He calls her every name in the book.
Females don't learn from their mistakes.
They like to be heartbroken.
Over and over and over again.
Males love to make light out of anything and everything.
Like the world is one big colorful rainbow.
Females wait in the dark for the perfect man.
Never gonna happen.
"You can't paint the world in black and white."
Bullshit!
Females do it everyday.
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141,345 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
Thank you all for your wonderful critiques. I really apprioate it. I admit that it wasn't my best work, but hopefully I will get better.
Not the best thing to start off with. But its good. I enjoyed reading it. I suck at poetry too so don't worry you will get the hang of it. So keep on writing.
Hey, Blacktiger!
I'm going to be pretty harsh here because I can tell that you have some pretty good ideas, but you don't quite seem to know what to do with them yet. But that's okay! Take what you can from this poem and learn from it, right?
TONE
What really struck me first about this poem was that it seemed more like a newspaper article than anything else. That's because you're more of a "commentator" than the person who is actively experiencing these feelings.
That's perfectly fine with most poetry--heck, Longfellow had quite a career, and he didn't write it as though he were the one feeling things. However, Longfellow used elements of poetry, like rhythm and alliteration, that take quite a bit of skill.
What tipped me off to the 'magazine article' feel?
- Vocabulary. Most people don't refer to people as "male" and "female".
- You used things like "99%"--a statistic.
Frankly, there are a lot of things poets can do with their words that I as a novelist can't. That's what you've got to do--how can you make this poem so that it expresses something deeper than just a story?
LANGUAGE:
Let's just put it this way: I'm old school. Besides the word "ass", because it's rather embarassing to use "butt" in its place, I'm a staunch believer in the fact that slang belongs in dialogue and not in narration.
As a poet, you're a narrator.
Through poetry, you're giving us your view of the world. People aren't going to believe you if you don't have ethos--credibility, or some sort of reason why we should be compelled to take you seriously. Using words like "hoe" and "bullshit" brings your ethos level down dramatically. It'd be like if I were writing for an economics journal: "Hellz yeah, bitches, headin' for a recession!"
Granted, I would giggle insanely, but no one would take me seriously. Keep slang words to a minimum--use your gift as a writer to illustrate them otherwise. I'd like to see these "hoes" in full color--miniskirts, deep V's, and all.
I like it. It sounds very good. You should write more.
-winterbaby
I really liked this. (Yeah, the lamest thing to start off with.)
But I did.
I am absolutely the worst at critiqueing, especially poetry.
But thats alright at the moment, since I found basically no problems with this.
Nice work.
=]
This was really good. I'm not much of a poetry writer myself, so I can't really critique, but I do like the use of periods rather than commas. Each is a sentence fragment, but they all make sense together in the way they are used.
Excellent job, I really liked it.
~GryphonFledgling
i like it,sort wish there was more to it. But itsvery very candid. i like thoguh