Published November 30, 2007
Walkin in da hall with a chip on my shoulder
Then I forgot I left my math folder.
As I tried to find the folder and I thought I saw a stocker,
It was just bullies tryna to push me into my locker.
I went to class and sat at my desk
My teacher told us we had a test.
I stood in line to eat the nasty lunch,
Dreaming of a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.
Walking down the hall, going to class,
The hall monitor stopped me cause I didn’t have a pass.
He gave me detention and sent me away,
I rolled my eyes and thought, dang; it’s just another school day.
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... 26. chip on one's shoulder: a disposition to quarrel: You will never make friends if you go around with a chip on your shoulder...
. . .
To echo Ayra, this could definitely use some work. The rhyming, the meter, the line-breaks: they all felt forced, and thus became the piece as a whole became unenjoyable to read. I would recommend that you read some more poetry before getting back to the attempt, try to find positively influential pieces from which to glean some ideas. The effort might help a generally rough and uninspired poem gain a bit more polish and meaning.
Best of luck with the writing, either way.
Ok then...
I'm guessing you meant to use all the 'da' and 'walkin' and all, but I don't really like it. It sounds too derogatory.
Also, what do you mean; a chip on your shoulder? Like, a potato chip? weird...
Again with the 'tryna' thing. It just doesn't flow.
Also, 'stocker' should be 'stalker'. But those lines don't make sense...what would a -stalker be doing in a school? I get the feeling you were just scrambling for a rhyme.
Ugh. Those lines completely don't fit. How did you go from being told you had a test to eating a bad lunch?
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Ok...
I'm really sorry, but that..well, it wasn't very good. I wish I could say something nice about it, but I have no desire to lie.
For one thing; imagery/setting/description. To make this poem better, you should include a description of the setting.
Oh. The rhyming...was...no offense, but...it was bad. I could tell you were forcing a rhyme for every line and the outcome was jarring to read.
I suggest just abandoning the rhyme. It completely restricts the poem and it just sounds unprofessional.
And...emotion. We really need to know more about your feelings in this. Really.
Anyways, yeah. You probably hate me now, but...at least I was honest, right?
Don't give up, no matter what myself or anyone else says!
Keep writing,
Ayra