His Fool

I've read all the comments, and unfortunately, I going to have a slightly more harsh review. (Don't worry, I still liked it!)

My edits in bold.

blacktiger3915 wrote:I loved you.

I loved you. I don't like the repetition here. Just do one at the start. On this subject, I loved the two at the end, but the two at the beginning almost made me hit the back button to go to "Other Poetry".

You were the polish for my toes, This seemed quirky.

But now you're the toe jam. This is just a little bit too short...

You were the cherry on top of my sundae, This seemed a little bit long, but I can't find a way to change it.

But now you're the long piece of hair in it.

You were the apple of my eye, This is somewhat of a small cliche, but I really liked it right here.

But now you're the fly that flew in it. First, a fly flew into your eye? This line doesn't fit that well... Second: two lines ago you ended with "in it". I would think up something different. Maybe completely rewrite it.

You were the sweet tooth in my mouth,

But now you're the grain between it. Good rhythm on the last two lines.

You're the itch that can't be scratched,

The disease that can't be cured,

The white pimple on the tip of my nose, You had a great rhythm going in the last four lines, but this was too long. I would get rid of "...the tip of".

The stray hair on my girly chin.

I was your game piece in your little game,

The puppet in your show. Good job on rhythm in the last three lines.

I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court! To help out the rhythm and to make this sound smoother, ditch the first "your" (the one right before dancing fool).

Never again. You worked the long line and the short one really well.

I loved you.

I loved you. [b]As I said, your ending was great.[b]

Me likey! It didn't have the deep emotion lyrics that could confuse some people, it had some easily recognisable analogies. I could feel myself sticking my tounge out at the piece of hair in my sundae. It has fantastic imagery, and I don't think most people could find and use those brilliantly simple lines. You can understand how it is a past feeling. But the only thing that bugs me is the I love you thing in the beggining. You could do a different line like, "now I don't", "now I hate you", or "I used to love you"

I changed the title...... anyway thanks for the comments.

Thank you all for the comments. Can you believe that I make this up in my math class in 20 minutes? Anyway glad you'll liked it.

Haha I loved this. It was humor yet is was serious and to the point. I could really sense the 'polite' anger and how irritated the protagonist is. I also found it interesting how she still loved him even after her showing us her apparent dislike for him.

I'm just curious as to WHY she still loved him...

Haha I loved this. It was humor yet is was serious and to the point. I could really sense the 'polite' anger and how irritated the protagonist is. I also found it interesting how she still loved him even after her showing us her apparent dislike for him.

I'm just curious as to WHY she still loved him...

When I first read the words "I loved you", my first thought was "Oh gawd, teenage breakup poem, nothing new" but I am so glad to say that minute I read the second line and continued on, my whole perspective of this poem shifted.

I liked it especially because all of the negative aspects that you compare this person to are just little, realistic things that piss the average person off every day and I think it really gives meaning to this poem as opposed to you saying "My heart was broken into a million pieces" like some other poems I know. You found a unique, realistic, anti-Hollywood way to express your negative feelings toward this person through poetry and for that, I congradulate you.

I'm not really sure what to think about the repeated line; to me, there's nothing wrong with it but I kinda feel it's just...there as a closing and opening.

Oh, and one thing I spotted: The line "I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court!" I think would flow so much better if you just left off "in your court". That last part throws off the rhythm.

Overall, the greatest aspect of this poem was uniqueness, you should be very proud of your work.

it did make me laugh. But funny isnt always funny. get it? i felt the anger too. And I also liked the way you repeated "I Loved You" nice poem.

...geep! When I first read it, I thought this was supposed to be funny, but judging by the comments, that doesn't seem to be the case, unless of course, everybody's joking around? Anyway! I thought it was humorous because it used such simple kiddy imagery (ice cream, toe nail polish, pimples, puppets) instead of stronger images of dislike and unhappiness. So if the intent was to make something very light and fluffy, you have succeeded! If you wanted to make something serious, you need to try again with stronger images.

blacktiger3915 wrote:I loved you.

I loved you.

You were the polish for my toes,

But now you're the toe jam.

You were the cherry on top of my sundae,

But now you're the long piece of hair in it.

You were the apple of my eye,

But now you're the fly that flew in it.

You were the sweet tooth in my mouth,

But now you're the grain between it.

You're the itch that can't be scratched,

The disease that can't be cured,

The white pimple on the tip of my nose,

The stray hair on my girly chin.

I was your game piece in your little game,

The puppet in your show.

I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court!

Never again.

I loved you.

I loved you.

Thank you Tag and welcome to YWS!

Hahaha! Somebody must have reeaally ticked you off XD Oh my gosh that's awesome.

At first the structure was slightly off-putting, but you definately made up for it. I read the first three lines and thought this would be a love poem, but the fourth caught me off guard and made me cringe.

I like the way you've started by making comparisons, advanced to direct insults, and finished on something slightly more poetic and meaningful, it was well written.

Nice work! Keep it up

Thanks a mil Shadow!!

*whistles* i can feel the emotion emanating from the poem XD
you do well in expressing your thoughts and feelings through poetry.
keep it up =)

Thank you shanan-cat. I said I loved you in the beginning and end like that to show that she loved him to death. And that she still loved him even though she states that she despises him. Anyway, thanks.

Interesting and nicely done.
Good job! I liked the idea here. I didn't like the fact that you reapeated "I loved you, I loved you" at the end twice and at the beginning. I think that it would have be nicer if you only out it once, but that's my view of things.
Well... I don't really have anything to say so, see yah!
Phibbles!

Thanks girl! I'll surely stop by and read it! Talk to you later.

*gaps at what she just read.* Amazing. i have but one word for it. AMAZING. Such anger. such....ermm fury is in it. bravo. hey girl im donin good you aint been on that much but hey check out my heart is yours, i put some more on it.

Thank you darkdove! I hope other people like it.

I liked it! It had that subtle anger like the ones credit card companies send. This was awesome, keep it up. I wonder where you got the inspiration to write it!