Young Writers Society

For the most part, everything's been picked up on. But there two little things (And I really mean little, but maybe not the explanations xD) that really bother me about this piece.

blackpencil wrote: Therien simply saw it as his weapon, and in a way, a long time friend.

The word "saw" is confusing here. Does it mean that he once saw it as a weapon, but doesn't anymore? That's strange, cause he sure is using it like one. Is it that he once saw it as a friend, but doesn't anymore? In that case, it shouldn't in that spot, because it makes it seem as if he doesn't think its a weapon anymore. Is it just a tense mistakte? Fix it.

blackpencil wrote:He unsheathes Shadowbane, a unique blade made of holy silver. Some say it was forged by the gods themselves due to the powers it possesses. Therien simply saw it as his weapon, and in a way, a long time friend. But Blackwalkers have no friends. He leaps down the cliff.

When I read this part, I was thrown out of the story, particularly when I read "A Unique Blade Made out of Holy Silver." It seems to me like you are forcing a bit of backstory on us, even if it is in a condensed sort of form. Even worse, that section I just mentioned sounds like an advertisement. Don't get me wrong, I am reigned back in to the story when I get to te second sentence, which sparks my interest, but it's not a good thing for he reader to have to leave the story involuntarily.


And other than that, I think you did a pretty good job. My favorite part by far, though, is the opening paragraph, more specifically, the last too sentences of the opening paragraph. When I first read them, I thought, "confidence...not, cockiness", and it kinda gave me chills. It gives away a tiny piece of Therien's character and makes me think, "What is a Blackwalker?" Which, might I add, is a hard thing to make me think, because most times when I see an unfamiliar creature or title in fantasy and it's not presented in a good enough way, I turn and run from the story before the boredom kicks in.

And now I'm ranting, aren't I? I'll stop while I'm ahead. I'll probably be back to review in full one of these days. See ya then

Well it did have it's very good moments, you described many things well, For Example:

The Yarok bellows in pain as it stains the snow crimson in its death throws.

I liked how you said about the snow turning crimson but...I got confused through-out the whole story.
You kept switching from First to Second person and even Third. Following that was also I didn't understand how first it was about Therien and then about The Blackwalker. Like you kept calling him Blackwalker when we already knew his name. That threw me off. It was OK. I just got confused a lot

Hi Blackpencil, I'll be reveiwing you work today! I really like the third person point of veiw of it, not many people do that!

Now for the nitpicks.

But Blackwalkers have no friends.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You never start a sentence with the word 'but'. I know that people usually talk like that but my english teacher made sure to drive it like a screwdriver into my head that you don't start a sentence with the word 'but'!!!! Find a way to keep that sentence, just without the word 'but' begging it!!

A Yarok, a mighty creature distinguished by massive claws and its giant upturned tusks, turns and roars at the sight of the Blackwalker, his swirling dark robes, his cruel-edged blade.

Okay, what do you mean by that? It took me about ten times of rereading to figure out what you meant. If you add an 'and' after 'dark robes,' that would make a whole world of difference.

The ones that do not rush to get them.

What?! I mean, WHAT?! Please, just please explain to me what this means.

But he also knows it takes much more than sheer numbers to take down a Blackwalker.

You are really starting to piss me off with the but begginings. Just fix it... Please.

Other than that the story was okay. I myself don't like goery death scenes but that's just me, and you made it work okay.

Charicters: You need to describe Therien much more. What exactly does he look like? Does he have scars? What color is his hair and eyes? Is he really tall? If you want the reader to be able to picture the story in their head, then you need to answer those questions.

Scenary: You described it well.

Overall: I think it was a goery battle scene, a very well written gorey battle scene. I like the writing style that you chose.

I give it a 9.2 on a scale of 1.0 to 10.0!!! You did good!! Just don't write too many buts and. Hope I was helpfull and that you finish up chapter two soon.

Hi, blackpencil, I'll be your reviewer today. ^^

The raging of a magnificent battle echoed throughout the jagged peaks of the Catarach Mountains.

For a first sentence, this is horribly vague. What does a "raging" of a battle sound like? Do you mean clashing of steel, war cries, trampling of hooves (I assume that since this is a fantasy setting, there isn't the whistling of shells, the clatter of artilley fire, and thundering tanks)? A combination of all the sounds?

And I don't appreciate being told that a battle is "magnificent". As a skeptical reader (who enjoys "The Red Badge of Courage" to boot), I tend not to believe that there is anything magnificent in war. To show that this battle truly is magnificent (whatever that means, since I can't picture such a thing), it'll do more than just outright saying it's "magnificent". In fact, you could ditch the "magnificent" tide altogether, and show us in subsequent sentences what makes this battle "magnificent".

In the midst of what seems to be a snowstorm, you see flashing silver and swirling black robes.

Er...second person? I'm not fond of second person as it feels too intrusive and in-your-face and reminds me too much of those tacky "choose your own adventure" novel. I'll have to read more before I can judge, though.

If the entire novel is in second person, though, the reader is going to get tired very quickly.

Lastly, "what seems to be" is clunky and vague. As of now, it seems to imply that the snowstorm isn't actually a snowstorm, but wouldn't it be better to say that "[whatever the snowstorm is] was like a snowstorm"? if it is a snowstorm, ditch the "what seems to be" entirely. Your writing will be all the more emphatic and clear without it.

Blackwalker. You get closer, trying to pick out the identity of the mercenary from the swirl of pure whiteness which were his victims. You see his hair is as silver as his jagged blade, and his irises are the color of snow. It is him. Therein. You know this one. You have heard that his blade, which he has christened “Shadowbane”, possesses powers imbued by the gods of light themselves.

Okay, here you're committing two big sins, especially when it comes to fantasy--an infodump and purple prose.

You're telling us all this about Blackwalker. The physical description is fine, but the bit at the end, with the blade "Shadowbane", is a pure infodump. The information presented is also somewhat confusing; it took me a moment to realize that "Therein" was also supposed to be his name. If you perhaps put something like "Therein, known as Blackwalker" at the begining, perhaps it would be more clear.

And purple prose. It hasn't reached disastrous territories yet, but you're veering dangerously close what with the overplayed descriptions such as "pure whiteness" and "silver as his jagged blade", and over-the-top lines like "You know this one" and "imbued by the gods of light themselves". Now, I understand the formal fantasy tone you're going for here, and while for personal reasons I despise that tone, I can't help but thinking that even a reader more used to high fantasy would prefer some more subtlety and understatement when it comes to the prose.

He turns and catches the blade of a Yarok, a massive yeti-like creature with enormous upturned fangs and massive claws.

Here, the infodump can't really be helped, so I'm not really bothered by it. What I'm bothered by is the repetition of "massive".

The Blackwalker spun quickly, lopping off the head of his attacker and stabbing his blade deeply into another. You could see he was outnumbered.

You've switched tenses here, from present to past tense.

But you also know, as you smile to yourself, it takes much more than sheer numbers to take down a Blackwalker.

Hold on...is "Blackwalker" a job title? If that's the case, make it more clear from the get-go...

He draws his blade from the dying Yarok, the serrated edges catching in it and tearing its insides as it retreats.

This is a gruesome image but the wording "catching in it" is rather clunky and spoils the effect.

The Yarok screams in pain as he drops to the ground, bleeding to death.

Though I know I abuse it like all hell, I do not like this phraseology "screams in pain". What kind of scream? A high-pitched girly one? A guttural roar? A choked gargling? A lot of howled swear words? Different people have different ways of screaming in pain.

Actually, the unspecifity of this sentence (I do not believe that "unspecifity" is a word...but we'll treat it as one for now) is really hurting its effectiveness. General, boring words like "drops to the ground" and "bleeding to death" do not form a concrete image in the reader's head. As Mark Twain said, "Don't tell me the old lady screamed. Bring her down and let her scream" (or something to that effect...). The same issue's going on here. Don't tell us he's bleeding to death. Show us the blood staining the snow shockingly crimson.

He nimbly sidesteps and easily beheads the axe and its wielder in one quick swipe.

You haven't had this problem before, so I suppose that in your case it's an aberration (unlike it is for me...), but you are abusing adverbs here. "Nimbly" and "easily" in such close proximity don't do anything but clutter your prose. Excise them.

A cruel arrow sinks into the snow beside him with a dull thud.

Actually, you seem to have a problem with overusing adjectives. I can perfectly understand, but there are better ways to phrase things without adding a modifier to each noun ("cruel", "dull", in this sentence). It gets repetitive and doesn't create the clearest of images in the readers' head.

You might want to think about using some figurative language, or else coming up with more inventive ways to describe an event that, come on, we've all seen one time or another in fantasy--an arrow narrowly missing.

Therein, not losing his cool for a moment,

"Losing his cool" strikes me as a very modern idiom, which makes it jarring in this fantasy setting.

You whistle to yourself. That must have been one hundred yards.

The involvement of "you" in this scene feels like you're trying too hard to incorporate "you" in the events of the story. It's rather distracting.

He charges at a nearby Yarok wielding a giant, crude sword.

The way this sentence is phrased implies that it's Blackwalker/Therein wielding the "giant, crude sword". The comma between giant and crude is unnecessary, BTW, and you'd do better to show us that the sword is giant and crude instead of telling us.

Everyone now was either dead or dying. He heard a mighty challenge bellowed behind him. He turned toward the Yarok village.

You've changed tenses with this sentence again.

A mighty figure stood their

I do believe you mean "there".

(a well-made blade, by Yarok standards)

Not only does this parenthetical insertion break the flow of the story, it's unnecessary and almost comical at this point. I doubt anyone in the heat of battle would care how well-made their opponents' blade is.

The hair around his face is stained with brutal war paint.

Unless there are more egregious examples further on, this is the last time I'm going to point out tell-y portions of your prose. What makes the war paint "brutal", pray tell?

He is flanked by two vast, yet clumsily unintelligent bodyguards, both holding javelins of Herculean proportions.

I'm troubled by the term "Herculean". If this is a fantasy world, would Hercules exist? Why would "you" (if "you" is a resident of the world) use a hero from our world to describe proportions?

This is a key to all speculative fiction, and one of the most difficult to master. You have to lead your reader to suspend his/her disbelief, not only by creating as convincing a fantasy setting as possible, but through your prose itself. If fantasy characters suddenly burst into modern slang, the reader is hurled out of the story. The same thing goes when you use common idioms ("Herculean" for example) from our world.

The chief bellowed his war cry again, and the javelins fly with perfect aim toward Therein.

Though the tenses have been wonky throughout the story (leaning more closely to present tense), I don't beleive I've yet to see a sentence where two tenses exist side-by-side. Conver the entire sentence to present tense, please.

He doesn’t even flinch.

Meh. I'm uninspired by this, probably because it's such a cliche phrase. Not helping me think Blackwalker/Therein is badass.

You see his sword glow, and you know what will happen next.

The reader doesn't know, though, so the usage of second person feels like even more of an intrusion.

He charges at the chieftain with such speed that a sound wave ripples out when he drives Shadowbane into the chief’s heart.

...........

A sound wave.

A sound wave.

Just...no. Please. No.

I'd explain, but I'm too busy going O_o at the screen to think of anything lucid to say. Perhaps I'll regain my ability to string together thoughts when I get into the overview portion of the review.

Therein eyes widen in shock.

Therein's eyes, you mean.

He was told these beasts were incapable of intelligent speech.

A nice bit of characterization, but again you switched tenses. Also, this suddenly snaps the story from "You"'s point of view to Therein's. Jarring, to say the least.

He kneels to answer the chiefs last question.

Chief's, you mean. Since there did seem to be only one chief in the story.

he says in a deep voice.

Um...does this mean that Therein suddenly made his voice deeper (comical image) or that his voice is naturally deep (not so comical)? I'm thinking you meant the latter, which in that case it'd probably be less ambiguous to say something like "he spoke in his rich baritone" or something like that.

You *cough* you... c-cold-blooded s-sellsword,”

The interruption of "cough" feels lazy and more appropriate in script format than in an actual story. If you want him to be coughing, have the dialogue tag be "cough" or something, or interrupt with something like '"You..." He turned aside to cough, "You..."'.

I do like the insult "sellsword" for a mercenary, though. It adds a bit of flavor to your world.

the chief spent his last breath on this insult.

This not only is unintentionally comical, it's redundant because the reader can already infer from the chief's dialogue that he's insulting Therein.

Therein turned. His eyes were no longer full of death, nor wide with shock.

I like this--the combination of the short, empathic sentence with a longer elaborating sentence. It's interesting, too, how you contrast his current emotions with his appearance in the past.

It was worse than that. Those eyes, those eyes of ice, were full of anger.

I'd appreciate, however, being told what that anger looks like.

He was tricked. Revenge would soon be his.

These short sentences stuck together come across as childish, and though they help Therein's characterization a bit by showing that he's an honorable man (to some extent), they're so stereotypical that any impact is lost. "Revenge will soon be mine"--how many times have you heard that line. How many times do you hear real people say something like that? It seems unrealistic that Therein's first thought, after being tricked, is wanting revenge (on whoever hired him in the first place, I presume). Hell, he'd probably deny flat-out what the chief is saying. No one likes believing that they've been used, after all.

Also, "you" has completely dropped out of the picture. This last paragraph is from Therein's POV only.

Overall thoughts:

Looking back, I realize this was probably the harshest review I've ever given. >_> And I'm sorry about that. I don't mean to come across as a jerk or a hater; but I'm not going to sugarcoat a piece's flaws either and settle for one sentence of "omfg best storee evarrr rite moar omgf!!!111eleventyone". I'm here to help you improve your writing and become the best writer you can be. ^^ With that being said...let's go into how to do that.

First of all, I'd like to make it clear that my own personal dislike for high fantasy probably permeated this review to too large an extent. I apologize for that. The fact that I actually was interested enough to read the entire chapter says a lot, though. I'm intrigued. I actually do want to read more. I want to know how Therein will react to discovering he's been decieved. I want to know if there will be any repercussions/retribution from the other Yaroks. And I'm a sucker for mercenaries, so the idea of "Blackwalkers" fascinates me. I'd like to meet more "Blackwalkers" besides Therein.

And I do like how the story subverts the typical "brute race" conventions of fantasy. My spidey senses are telling me that there will be an alliance between humans and Yaroks in the future. I have a weakness for fantasy stories about reconciliation between different races, so it'll be interesting if this story carries such a scenario out.

There are quite a few weaknesses in this piece that hinder it from being a truly compelling read, however. Let's take them in order: Perspective, telling instead of showing, prose issues.

After reading through this piece, I've decided that the second person perspective doesn't work. You seem to have realized the same thing near the end, since you switched 100 percent to Therein's perspective without anymore "You"s. As it is, the "you" becomes intrusive at times (there are points where it feels like you are trying much too hard to make us remember there is a "you" watching the scene), and distances us from Therein, who I believe is the story's protagonist. I wasn't as compelled as I could have been during the action scenes because I couldn't get Therein's thoughts and feelings on what was happening, except near the end. He seems the sort to delight in battle but still has a sense of honor, which could be conveyed much more effectively if you let the reader get into his head during the fight scenes instead of forcing us to watching along with this disembodied "you". I do like the little hints of personality "you" displayed, such as their apparent arrogance. It's gotten me to thinking that "you" is Therein's employer.

The addition of "you" hurts more than helps the story, though. Switch it to a more standard third person limited perspective.

Now, telling instead of showing. You do that a lot in this story and it's further distancing us from it. I don't want to be told that the dying Yaroks scream in pain, I want to hear the bone-rattling sounds of their dying roars. I don't want to be told that Therein is a good warrior, I want to be shown him effortlessly dispatching his opponents (but please no sound waves...that's just so horribly video-gamey). I don't want to be told that Therein is angry about being deceived. I want him to snarl, clench his fist, think about teaching his employer a lesson or two. By going more in-depth into descriptions, you'll find that you may also create a stronger link between Therein and the reader. Use the words he'd use to describe things. Does he think of the Yaroks as mangy beasts, inferior to humans? Does he delight in the cold glinting of sunlight on snow? Those sort of things. They will humanize him as a character and make it easier for readers to sympathize with them. And you'll still be showing everything instead of telling.

There were times when your prose veered into purple territory, and other times when it got disarmingly modern. Such a clash suggests you haven't really found a comfortable style for writing the story in. I'd say the story works best with a formal fantasy tone (putting aside my personal distaste for said tone...), but not one that gets over-the-top. Unfortunately, since I'm not that well read in fantasy, I can't pull any examples off the top of my head. Excise all "keeping his cools" and "Herculeans", though, along with "imbued by the gods of light themselves".

And keep an eye on the tenses! I like the present tense, though; it's different and gives us a stronger sense of the immediacy of the situation.

You've got an intriguing idea here; it just needs a good deal of polishing. I am looking forward to more, though. ^^

PM if you have any questions (and I do mean PM), and have a good time rewriting.