The sky caught fire as the sun sank into the trees.
That’s all there ever is around here, trees. They are all so tall and quiet, Kirthin thought. From the giant oak to the majestic yew... They are so reassuring...
As he thought about this the sun dipped lower, dyeing the wispy and wooly clouds a brilliant shade of magenta. Soon the moon would rule the sky with her star sisters and another long day would come to an end. Kirthin sighed and lay back on the soft grass.
He was to start training tomorrow. Every male in Mahamiko went through the combat training at the age of seventeen, for the Mahamikans believed that is when a boy became a man, and a man has to know how to defend himself and his loved ones. But Kirthin wasn’t going through the ordinary training. Kirthin was no ordinary boy.
At birth, Kirthin was found with a Sigil. This is the mark that any being with magic in their veins running up their arm. It showed others that he was magi. Every magi’s Sigil is different. Kirthin’s is a long, snakelike dragon, with the head, open mouthed in an enormous roar, spread across his palm and the body twisting magnificently around his arm and ending in a long spiked tail at his shoulder. The whole image was rough looking and jagged, and resembled a huge scar, or and intricate tattoo.
The sun was gone now. The moon began to peek out from the crowns of the trees, and the first few stars twinkled like diamonds on the gray canvas of dusk. It was time to go. Kirthin needed to get a good night’s sleep before the big day tomorrow.
As if I’ll get any sleep tonight, thought Kirthin. I’m too excited.
He was a tad bit worried, as well, as anyone is when they get excited about something. He worried that he hadn’t spent enough time reading over the scrolls of magic from the village library. He worried that he might never get the hang of magic. He also worried about his teacher. It was the talk of the village, that, apparently Tenkit, the headmaster of the school of magi in Mahamiko, had seen great potential in Kirthin, and was taking him under his wing as his personal student.
He walked back to the village as he worried about these things. He was about to enter is home when a friendly voice broke him from his worries.
“Kirthin! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I have great news!”
It was Searle, Kirthin’s closest friend ever since they both were very small. Kirthin smiled at Searle’s enthusiasm despite himself.
“Evening stranger! Have we met?” Kirthin said, bowing comically.
“Don’t try my patience boy! I have something extremely important I have to tell you!” Searle said in mock imitation of Tenkit’s strict attitude.
“I insist, good sir, I don’t think I know you. Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?” Kirthin enjoyed tormenting Searle. He could see Searle’s anxiety in his pale blue eyes. This was pure torture to him.
“Kirthin! Seriously, now! Stop joking around!” But Kirthin wasn’t done yet.
“No tea, then? Well, it's quite late, I think I’ll hit the hay, if you know what I mean...” Kirthin pretended to turn away into his house.
“Argh!!” Searle launched himself at Kirthin and put him in a headlock. Searle was always stronger than Kirthin was. He knew Kirthin hated his long, raven black hair rumpled and proceeded to do so.
“Ok, ok! Stop! I give in! My memory has suddenly returned to me!” Kirthin pleaded. Searle released him.
“Alright, here’s what I need to tell you: I’ve just been accepted into the Academy!” Searle said excitedly, waiting impatiently for Kirthin’s response. The Academy were like the “special forces” of Mahamiko. They were the elite, the top quality soldiers. They called themselves the Red Dawn.
“Great, Searle! That’s amazing!” the two friends embraced for a moment. Kirthin realized something that made his heart sink. “But, you do realize what this means, right?”
“Yes. I... understand, that... we may not see each other again, after tomorrow,” Searle said slowly. They stood for what seemed a long time, a sad, silent conversation going on between their eyes. They embraced for the last time in a long while, said their farewells, and went their separate ways. It was like losing a brother to Kirthin, but it was better this than hear his friend had been slain in battle.
Farewell, Searle, my brother. Even if I never see you again, you will be remembered.
But now, we must both look to the horizon. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Hope you like it! Chapter II: New Horizons coming soon!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, I have a question. Did you purposely name the "Special Forces" after the popular USA Propaganda film Red Dawn? I also feel that, like in the real military system, you should have him be accepted into a normal army unit before he goes into the Elite. it just feels sorta jumpy. Other than that... Like the fellows above me the conversation was very smooth and realistic. I loved it, will be watching.
Deifyance
Hi, blackpencil, I'll be your reviewer for today. Be warned that I get very nitpicky with my reviews; I'm not being harsh, just trying to help you produce the best writing you can.
This is a nice bit of figurative language; it's short and simple and says a lot in a few words (very important skill for a writer to have), while being evocative.
It might be just me (and my heavy dislike for high fantasy conventions), but I feel these inner thoughts are a bit...wooden. Would anyone actually think like this? Try thinking of your characters as real people, because it helps when it comes to dialogue and internal monologues. Just phrase your characters' thoughts as a real person would talk.
The "as he thought about this" part feels awkward.
I get easily confused about the whole "lay/laid/lain" thing, so I can't say if "lay" is the correct verb in this situation; all the same, I think you'd do well with a stronger verb like "sprawled" or whatnot.
You changed tenses here. Also, beware--this paragraph reads like an infodump. Instead of using an authorial intrusion to lecture us about Mahamiko society, try incorporating this information into the narrative proper. It'll feel less intrusive and, as an added bonus, won't stop the story completely while you explain about the society's culture. It is difficult, especially when writing fantasy, to incorporate such information naturally into the flow of the narrative; I have trouble with doing so myself.
Again, this is a tense change and infodump. In this scene, you could have Kirthin glance down at the Sigil on his arm and examine it (like you did in the later paragraph), and add as kind of an offhand mention what the Sigil is. Also, you really don't need the "Every magi's Sigil is different" part; if he meets more magicians later in the story, you can just describe their different Sigils and the readers can draw the conclusion that they're all different for themselves.
Watch out for tense changes. That first "is" ought to be a "was".
This is much better; these thoughts flow more naturally, like something a real person would think.
You seem to like using tense changes when it comes to explaining things, but if the rest of the story is in past tense the explanations should also be in past tense. Also, instead of just saying "he was worried", why not describe Kirthin being worried? Is he fidgeting? Are their butterflies in his stomach? Does he feel sick? Light-headed? I don't know about you but when I get worried, I usually react physically as well.
This part is quite nice; the repetition helps underscore the extent of Kirthin's worries, and feels very natural. I'd feel the same way before a test (I should know...I just got done with the SAT 2), ticking off individual things I feel nervous about.
"is" should be "his"; also, I think you ought to describe the walk to the village and how the village looks. As it is now, the shift in location feels sudden and breezed-over.
Ha ha, I like the way Kirthin and Searle interact; it feels very real for a couple of teenage boys, and helps display each of their personalities (and even Tenkit's, to a degree). I was chuckling aloud at some points, which is great. You're doing a great job writing your characters, and a great job endearing your reader to them.
Wait, whose long raven hair? Kirthin's or Searle's? I feel you should describe Searle and Kirthin some, because I really don't know how they look. Try inserting a little description of Kirthin early in the story.
"Ok" should be written as "okay". I'm not too fond of the "My memory has suddenly returned to me" bit; it feels a tad pretentious (especially for something a kid in a headlock would say). Maybe, "I remember now", or something like that?
"All right" is two words. I like that you know how to use colons though, in part because it took me until this year before I finally learned how to use the damn buggers. >_>
An excess of adverbs here! I know, I suffer from adverb abuse, too...but they're a lazy writer's shortcut. Instead of saying that Searle said it "excitedly" and that he's waiting "impatiently", show his excitement--is he talking fast, grinning hugely? And impatiently--is he bouncing on the balls of his feet and fidgeting in anticipation of Kirthin's response?
"Were like" feels far too casual; it's something you'd say in conversation but not in prose. This sentence would work better as simply "were" without the "like".
Also, I feel maybe you should have Kirthin respond shortly after Searle speaks--like gasping in surprise or something. And then have that segue into the explanation of what the Academy is (...no jokes about bands, please...). That'd drive home how lucky Searle is to be accepted, or whatnot.
These two sentences could be merged into one to flow better. "They were the elite, the top quality soldiers, who called themselves the 'Red Dawn'", or something along those lines.
I'm just not feeling fond of this sentence; it feels rather sudden. It'd probably be better if you segued from the previous scene (of them embracing) into this sentence...like have Kirthin stricken by a realization and then taking a step backwards, his heart sinking. Or something along those lines.
I agree with the previous reviewer in that this feels too sudden; try expanding their farewell into several paragraphs, and go more in-depth in Kirthin's emotions. As a bonus, you'll get to develop the characters more, too.
Aww, you were doing so well with the character interactions, too...but these lines return to the over-the-top level of Kirthin's first thoughts. I think my preference for subtlety is speaking here, but it'd probably be better to leave the scene off in a less dramatic way, and leave these thoughts out altogether. Like, just end it with Kirthin and Searle watching the stars together or something, enjoying the last night they can spend together as friends. Or something.
Well...that was really nitpicky. Don't get upset; I really did enjoy this story. I liked how you didn't dump elaborate, over-wrought description upon us like so many high fantasy authors do, and your character interactions are just stellar. I could picture every bit of Kirthin and Searle's conversation, and it felt exactly like something real kids would do. Without having to explicitly say how deep their friendship runs, you've shown us. In a lot of stories, even published ones, the characters' interactions feel fake and stilted, but yours felt true, earnest, and realistic. Good job. The magic system with the Sigils and such seems to be quite cool, too; I'm interested to see where you'll be going with it.
I think I've already gone over the things that need to be fixed--the info-dumping, the tense changing, the at times over-wrought internal monologues. Other than that, there's quite a bit of potential in this story.
PM me if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.
Hi!
I thought this was a good beginning with some very beautiful descriptions and a nice introduction of the characters 
I'm a bit picky but ignore me if you like 
You don't need the full stop or the comma here I don't think
Just a suggestion but I think this sentence might run smoother without 'the' before 'combat training'.
This is quite a long sentence, maybe it would be better to break it up? You could make it into two sentences at either of the commas, if changing the first comma then taking away 'for' or if changing the second maybe beginning the sentence as something like 'They thought it important that a man knew how to...'
I think you need 'has' after 'veins' and I'm not sure but should 'was magi' be 'was a magi'?
I'm not that keen on 'rough looking', it doesn't really tell me how the actual image appears. Maybe if you related it more to what you are describing? So maybe you could say something about the sharpness of it's outline or the deepness of the colour to show it as jagged and rough. I think 'and intricate' should be 'an intricate' as well here
I'm not sure about this as I wouldn't say everyone gets worried when they are excited. Maybe instead you could say something about how everyone would be worried when they are expecting something big the next day?
I think 'is home' was meant to be 'his home'.
sorry being very picky here but 'its' should have an apostrophe so 'it's'
I like how you show him launching himself but 'put' seems like quit a weak description of the action he is doing, maybe something that better shows the headlock or how it is performed like 'and wrapped his arm about his neck in a tight headlock' or 'and gripped him in a headlock' would work well.
I think 'was' should be 'were' as you use 'were' when talking about the Academy later on.
I'm not that keen on repeating 'realize', maybe the second one could be something like 'know'.
Overall: Like I said, I thought this was a good beginning. You really manage to show beautifully the sky and surrounding forest and you manage to slip bits of information about the story in without overloading the reader, great work!
Although you do set the scene quite well, I think if you wanted you could appeal more to all of the senses instead of just sight- so you could comment on the temperature and the wind and the sounds and smells surrounding him. I think the first part of Kirthin's thoughts are nicely paced and I loved how he teased his friend and the interaction between the two of them. I did think though that once Searle has told Kirthin how he has been accepted into the Academy, it becomes a little rushed. This might be the right time to describe the surroundings a bit more and comment on how Kirthin feels- maybe he has a knot in his stomach or something like that to describe his emotion? You skim over how they say their farewells as well whereas I think it might be more effective to actually have them saying goodbye to each other- this is an opportunity to paint a really sad moment and as you have already demonstrated a good style of writing before hand I think you would be able to pull this off well here
Quite a few of my comments were on little spelling mistakes that just come from typing quickly, I'd maybe make sure to scan back through your work a couple of times before posting to correct them
I think you have a great start here and I hope you continue! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!