Young Writers Society

For the prologue, I would just completely get rid of that if I were you. You tend to be info-dumping the entire time (which means that you tell the reader all of the info and not show them)

Then, for Chapter One:

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad [s]and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad,[/s] because I didn't see what I had to fight for.

My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they are only just now coming after me? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. [s]The reason for this was that[/s] I was a vampire, [s]that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.[/s]

I like this prologue, it reminds me of a prologue in a book right before they cut to the epic battle or whats happening modern day, kinda like what you did. And if my post is hard to understand I apologize for I am very tired. I think you need to develop your plot, and characters a little bit more but this is a very good start to a promising story, so keep at it.!

I was a Draknian, a warrior of the dark, and skilled at fighting in the darkness of the desert. My name was Zeek Adams and I drew my sword from its sheath, awaiting the approach of the Anikardians, the warriors of the light. My maroon eyes shone in the grim light.

I dressed from head to toe in my etitilag armor. It was close fit to my body and shining in the mages light. In the dim light you could see how my chest plate and shield had silver melted into complex patterns. My helm was made of the same metals as my suit and shield, etitilag and silver. My sword, I thought, was the most interesting part of my entire look. This sword was two feet long and lethal my hands. It was hand-crafted over 100 years ago and there wasn't another one of its kind. The blade was black and, just like my armor, it had been reinforced with silver mixed in with the etitilag. The handle was crafted of silver with a ruby planted right before the blade started.

Not your average vampire, now am I? Walking out of my tent and to the front of the ranks, I stood in front of the rest of the Draknian Army next to the Draknian Leader. His head was held high and he was ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us, this land and our freedom.

I just stood there, in the darkness outside of my home. My tongue slid across my teeth, feeling the sharp points that I had never grown used to, even if they had been there for quite some time. My maroon eyes observed the horizon, thinking about what the Draknian leader had told me earlier that day. If I was called upon to fight in his army, I must go and fight with him. I didn't have anything to fight for, really. No family, hardly ant friends that I think didn't even care about me. All I had was a house, and that was pitiful.

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad, because I didn't see what I had to fight for. My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they are only just now coming after me? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. The reason for this was that I was a vampire, that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.

Turning on my heel, I stalked into my pitiful house that was placed in the middle of no where. I continued to stalk all the way to the back of my bedroom and threw a ton of stuff to the side as I dug under a pile of junk looking for something. I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just didn't know where it was. It thought I had seen it here a while ago. I stood up suddenly, finally finding what I had been looking for.

My sword.

Now, if I still had the talent to handle this blade, I didn't know. I walked back out of my house, to the 'backyard' where I was practice my fighting skills on a hay dummy. Slowly, I drew the sword out of its sheath and looked at the blade gleaming in the firelight coming from my fire pit on my 'porch.'

Approaching the dummy I held the sword high and careful. In a defensive position I swung out to hit the leg of the target. The blade soared through the air in front of me and hit the stand the dummy was on, slicing clear through the leg of it. I nodded and smiled grimly. "Perfect, I still got my skill." I said lightly, and thinking of what was to come.

Hey Blackmist! Welcome to YWS! Just to remind you the YWS rules are that you must give two reviews or critiques before you post any of your own work. critiques to your own written work should be kept 2:1. However, I will review this but please do at least two reviews! Thanks!

Review Key:
Red = Comments
Bold= Words/punctuation I've inserted that I think works better with your piece.
Let's do this thing!

blackmist_riverfrost wrote:I need a name for this because I was just writing for fun one day in class and came out with this:

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Prologue:[/u]

I was a Draknian, a warrior of the dark, and skilled at fighting in the [s]darkness of the [/s]desert. Try to avoid repeating words like dark and darkness My name was Zeek Adams and I drew my sword from its sheath, awaiting the approach of the Anikardians, the warriors of the light. My maroon eyes shone in the grim light.


I dressed from head to toe in my etitilag armor. It was closely fit to my body and shone [s]shining[/s] in the mages' light. In the dim light you could see how my chest plate and shield had silver melted into complex patterns. My helmet was made of the same metals as my suit and shield, etitilag and silver. My sword, I thought, was the most interesting part of my entire [s]look[/s] outfit. This sword was two feet long and lethal in? my hands. It was hand-crafted over 100 years ago and there wasn't another one of its kind. The blade was black and, just like my armor, it had been reinforced with silver mixed in with the etitilag. The handle was crafted of silver with a ruby planted right before the blade started. {color=red] As much as I like description, the intricate details of his outfit were a bit boring. I would take out a few of it. Definitley keep some of them, but don't overload your readers. I would much rather see what your MC physically looks like than what he wears [/color]

Not your average vampire, now am I? Walking out of my tent and to the front of the ranks, I stood [s]in front of the rest of the Draknian Army [/s]next to the Draknian Leader. He held his head high, ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us: this land and our freedom [s]His head was held high and he was ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us, this land and our freedom.[/s] Your wording was a bit awkward, so I reworded the last sentence
Beginning of chapter one:

I [s]just[/s] stood there, in the darkness outside of my home. My tongue slid across my teeth, feeling their sharp points [s]that I had never grown used to, even if they had been there for quite some time[/s]. My maroon eyes observed the horizon, thinking about what the Draknian leader had told me earlier that day. If I was called upon to fight in his army, I was obligated to go and defend [s]must go and fight with [/s]him. I didn't have anything to fight for, really. No family, hardly any friends [s]that I think didn't even care about me[/s]. All I had was a house, and even that was pitiful.

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad What was making him mad? I'm confused. I thought you said he didn't care before because he had no family and no friends. and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad, because I didn't see what I had to fight for. My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they [s]are[/s] wer only [s]just now [/s]coming after me now? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. [s]The reason for this was that I was a vampire, that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.[/s] You already mentioned that he was a vampire. Instead say, Vampires were only one of a few creatures who aged slowly or something like that
Turning on my heel, I stalked into my [s]pitiful [/s]house [s]that was placed in the middle of no where[/s]. I continued to [s]stalk [/s] march Try avoid repeating words all the way to the back of my bedroom and threw a ton of stuff to the side as I dug under a pile of junk looking for something. I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just didn't know where it was. [s]It thought I had seen it here a while ago.[/s] I stood up suddenly, finally finding what I had been looking for.

My sword.

Now, if I still had the talent to handle this blade, I would be unbeatable in battle The I didn't know part didn't really fit in with the wording of this sentence [s]didn't know[/s]. I walked back out of my house, to the 'backyard' where I [s]was practice [/s] used to practice my fighting skills on a hay dummy. Slowly, I drew the sword out of its sheath and looked at the blade gleaming in the firelight coming from my fire pit on my 'porch.'

Approaching the dummy I held the sword high and careful. In a defensive position I swung out to hit the leg of the target. The blade soared through the air in front of me and hit the stand the dummy was on, slicing clear through the leg of it. I nodded and smiled grimly. "Perfect, I still got my skill." I said lightly, and thinking of what was to come.

I find the creativity of the plot very interesting. I wish to see more because I love it. Also, for a first story, I thought it was rather enticing and I love it. Please continue it as I would like to see where this is heading.