I'm trying to delete this. Does anyone know how If possible.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! (I just joined too.. LOL.)
I can't really say I like the idea of the story.. because I'm not sure what that idea is. Dragon Hunters? So they're going to hunt dragons? You give no evidence of that at all. You need to put work into this. Right now, it's clear you didn't even bother to proof-read it or at least use spell-check!
"Where am i?"
Every time you right the word, "I", you never capitalize it. That is a key grammar error. You should have learned the importance of that in second grade.
"*looking curiously for somewhere to hide*"
"*grumbling under her breath as a hand is caught around her*"
??? Is this supposed to be a script? A role play? I don't think so. Write out their actions as if they're really part of the story.
Punctuation! My friend, punctuation.
If you don't put a question mark at the end, how will we know what the author means? You can't express emotion with out exclamation marks.
"Run Cindy get out of here"
Personally, there should be an exclamation mark there. Andrew is expressing a high level of emotion. He's telling Cindy to leave him even if it causes him his own life. That's not something people take lightly. What's worst? You didn't USE any punctuation let alone the correct form.
"Crap, they're back I hear them."
I'm sorry but "crap" is a childish word when it comes to literature.
You don't give anything special about Andrew nor Cindy, other then their names. Is Cindy a blond or brunette? Simple sentences like, "Cindy ran forth with giant leaps, her tinted red hair blowing furiously behind her." would explain those key elements. Is Andrew blond or brunette? Are his eyes cloudy like a snow filled sky or bright blue like a crisp morning sky?
What's the setting? The mountains and a desert? Those two don't match up. Deserts are barren, dry, and hot places. While, mountains are snow-tipped and jagged.
Why were they kidnapped? It's possible Andrew wouldn't remember, but he still might. "All he remembered was hushed voices telling him and Cindy they were theirs now."
You should go back and re-edit this, add more description and make sure to check and double-check your spelling and grammar.
This story lacks structure.
Here is a helpful way to organize your story. Once you have more experience, you can experiment with it.
So, whenever you start writing, this is what you want to set up.
1. Setting: Where is the story taking place? Where is the character? What is in the room?
2. Characters: Who is in the room? Who is the narrator? How are they feeling/doing?
3. Action: What is going on? Who is doing what?
Here's a quick example on how this would look.
"Among the piles of paper in his room was Griffinkeeper. He typed slowly, deliberately, as he reviewed the story."
Notice that I incorporated certain elements together? At the beginning of the sentence, I introduced the setting, but at the end of the sentence I introduced a character in the room. By doing this, I draw the readers attention away from the scenery (which is relatively unimportant) to the character (who is much more interesting.)
As a result, I didn't have to invest as much time into the scenery, leaving me more time to focus on the character. In general, you only want to use complete sentences to describe important things, otherwise your sentences should simply move your reader along to the next important thing.
Go ahead and try writing it again.
Hey. Welcome to YWS.
Your story would be better if you fleshed it out some more. Add some descriptions, some dialogue. If you're still working on it, wait until you have the whole piece before posting it. Otherwise, we can't get much of an impression with such a short story. Now, onto the critique.
Try to use correct grammar and punctuation. "theres" should be "there's," as it is short for their is. Your beginning is kind of abrupt. You could a lot to this story by adding some description - the sound of footsteps, perhaps.
I'm not sure what you actually mean by this sentence. Try to be clear in your writing, so others can understand it. If it's well punctuated and makes sense, then other members will be more likely to critique it.
These are all questions, but you haven't used proper punctuation. You do this several more times throughout the piece. Also, this last is a run-on sentence. You could fix it by changing it to: "What happened to them? I don't hear them anymore."
Your spelling is a bit lacking. Remember to check your work before you post it. We aren't here to write your work for you. The site is to help young writers grow. However, that doesn't excuse anyone from making their writing the best it can be.
Remember to begin a new paragraph every time a new character begins speaking. Otherwise, it will confuse your reader. As it is, I have no idea what is going on. Also, the descriptions aren't in depth enough to satisfy your readers.
There are a lot of grammatical problems in here, but I won't go through all of them with you. Once you fix them up, a number of your problems can be fixed by elaborating on what you have. It's the beginning, so I won't ask for fully fleshed out characters, but as it progresses, you need to reveal more depth to them.
PM me if you have any questions about my critique. I'd be happy to help you some more with this. Once you start adding depth to it and lengthen it, the story could become a lot better.
-Mat
... Seriously?
Well, er, welcome to YWS.
I think you need some help with this. I just wrote an article that might be of some help - for beginning writers - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=39765
Check out the other articles there as well. I'm sure they'll be of great help.
First of all, capitalise 'I' - Secondly, where are you? I don't know, because there's no description whatsoever, no setting and so far as I can tell, no character, only random thoughts. What kind of place is this? Again, I'm as in the dark as you. I don't know what it looks like, what it smells like or who it is that isn't seeing or smelling anything.
Thirdly, 'Wait, there are voices.'
What in the name of Michael Jackson does Grundy mean and how is it a sound? Do you mean grungy?
Wait, could this really have happened? -- And no, it couldn't have. You've put zero thought into this and zero effort.
Was I really kidnapped? What happened to them? I don't hear them anymore. Maybe they're gone.
Just a bunch of random, disconnected thoughts; with no description, there is no picture. We can literally see nothing.
This isn't MSN. Actions aren't defined by astrix's. That should be, 'I looked curiously for somewhere to hide' - without the astrix of course and what's more, it shouldn't be in a curious fashion. It should 'in desperation.'
Wait, Andrew, where is he?
**
Okay, that's enough. You have no description, no setting, no atmosphere, no grammar, little spelling, random disconnected thoughts, characters who come from nowhere and are apparently invisible, or might as well as be as far as the reader is concerned.
You need to look over this.
You need to, more importantly, read the writing tutorial I linked at the beginning of this post.
Stories can't work without description. It would even be better if you just tried to TELL us everything (and believe you me, that's saying something) because at least then we would know what was happening, how many people it was happening to, what they were feeling, what they looked like, etc.
As it is, you don't tell, or even show. I'm insulted that you put so little thought and effort into this. Maybe you didn't have much time on the computer? First off, you should always use Microsoft Word. Secondly, if that's unavailable, then use YWS's own spell-check program. If you didn't have much time and had to rush, that's fine, just don't post it straight away. There's no rush. Do it in bits and pieces - at least that way you'll have put time and effort into it.
It's good that you've decided to express yourself creatively, but you need to learn how to do so. Its okay that you're just beginning. We were all at that stage once. Time to take notice of structure though and if I were you, I would go through every article on this site and get as much help as possible.
Cheers
Welcome to YWS! Alright Blackman, here we go.
First off, seperating the dialogue would help. Having all the different people talking in the same paragraph is confusing. Everytime you start with a new person speaking, you need to start another paragraph. It clears it up better.
Also, I know you are new to the site so you might not know how to do italics. Putting the MC's thoughts in italics would help clean it all up.
You can tell you typed this really fast. Grammar and spelling mistakes all over the place. Going back over this, editing will help.
The idea though, I like. I can't wait to see what you do with this!
PM me if you have any questions.