grimoire book of the lesser key chp 1 the truth continue

blackhike wrote:Grimoire book of the lesser key
this was alot harder to write than my first submission, feel free to tear apart

I sat up, images of what I just witnessed still danced around freshly in my mind; my body was dressed in sweat, and my throat stung. (#40BF00 ">I dont really get the dressed part... though I'm probably just stupid, but dressed in sweat comes off as a bit excessive, but then again so would drenched or in a veil of or so on and so on, so forget I put anything) I must have actually screamed while I was asleep. I turned on my multicoloured lamp. My rooms pale blue walls were flooded with light, the darkness crept away into the corners of my room; I looked over into the corner of my room. (#40BF00 ">That last set of sentences were too... jumpy, almost like your giving us stage directions and a storyboard more than an actual sequence of events, theres no finesse to it, its all too deliberate) There stands a large wooden desk, and on it lies a small TV and a memoir from my father. A tall brown hand carved clock that he’d built for me as child. He died when I was only 3. I only have one memory of him left. (#80BF00 ">Here your short, jerky style does come off as effective, because it can be seen more as a quick thought, a kind of aside and consideration for everything in sight, the quick memories brought about by it all)

My brother Allen, my mom, and my dad were together at a park that lies across the street of our small little house. It’s my favourite memory. Me my brother played around on a parks slides, and swings. My parents sat on a blanket laughing, and joking with each other. My father’s muscular sleek body cradled my mom’s small slender figure in his arms, they affectionate like that. (#40BF00 ">Put 'were' if past tense, the way its put there isnt clear or correct) I remember riding on his shoulders and ruffling my hands through his short messy black hair. The only time me family ever felt complete was when he was there, but one night he got he didn’t come home. (You leave out words that would connect the thoughts and complete the statments, "but one night he got he diddnt" What?)

That night we got a phone call from the police, they said he’d been stabbed on his way home. While passing through an alley a mugger came up behind him, and took his life for a couple of bucks and a credit card. I didn’t understand at first why my mom was crying, I kept telling her he’ll come home soon. (#40BF00 ">He'll doesnt feel right, in placement or usage, especially in this situation, where this is a memory, a recollection, he'll would be more fit for a current statment.) She tried to explain it to me, but it never sunk in. Until one night my brother got fed up, out of spite he looked into my eyes and said “He’s never coming back, you won’t hear his voice or see him ever again”! Then tears quickly followed, that’s when I knew things would never be the same again.

I look away from the clock; its happy moments only bring sadness in the end. I stretch my body and check down the hallway. My mom’s door is still shut; she probably went to cafe early for her morning shift (or she was drunk). So I tiptoe across the carpet so not to wake my brother into the bathroom. Below the light switch hangs these three creepy clown masks, they still freaked me out whenever I saw them. I turned to examine myself in the mirror; my plain white t-shirt shirt now clung to my overly large build. My usually long curly brown hair now sat flat in a sweaty mess, and my eye blue eyes still sting from the sudden the jerk awake. I toss the shirt into my hamper exposing my stomach and there for lack if abs. I was fat in elementary, only now did I start working out. I tear my gaze away from my body, vanity used to be my greatest sense of insecurity. I used to hate my body with a passion, and this brought on a constant sense of loathing to others. I’m not fat anymore, but the feeling still tend to linger, so I choose to never look into mirrors unless I have to, it’s easier that way.

I pull myself away from all these negative thoughts, tomorrows Monday I might as while enjoy today as much as I can. I walk back into my room and toss on a pair of jeans, with black t-shirt to match. Then I tossed over it my favourite dark blue hoodie with black tribal stripes running through it.

As I ran my hand through the sleeve, my phone went off. So I scooped it up and answered “hello”. (#40BF00 ">Work a bit on where your sentences end and speech begins, you kind of cut it off up there, the two could have been one complete action.) A deep mellow voice replied “Hey, it’s Andrew” (best friend). (#40BF00 ">The statements in captions detract from the overall feel, try to keep from it, as a reader I already inferred that it was a friend either way, also, nice with the Asian thing, thats the name we have for a friend here too) “Sup, Asian”, I joked. “Do you want to come to mall with me and Dominic we’re planning on buying a book and renting a movie”? He asked. “Yah sounds good I’ll tell you about this messed up dream I just had“ I replied happily. It be good to get out, I defiantly needed it right now.”Alright I’ll see yah later” I finished. “good, see yah there",he chirped happily

Your story overall was vert intimate, something most people dont really like re-creating or sharing, so I congratulate you on that, the only complaints I have against it are your phrasing and style. Everything is too sudden, too abrupt. I mean I'm sure thats what you were going for, but really it all come off as rushed, even the more lengthy stretches were a bit jumbled, actions and dialogue that just kinda fell together.

A few missing words here and lack of spacing there, also your personal moments were very...disjointed, it broke the flow of when individual thoughts and the world crossed.

I'm interested in your concepts and I'd like to see more, let me know when you make some more.

Hi there! I'm Irish and I am here to review your lovely story today!

So I think I shall get the worst part done first:

#FF0000 ">WARNING NITPICKS ABOUT TO FOLLOW THIS BRIGHTLY COLORED WARNING!

Spelling and grammar:

I sat up, images of what I just witnessed still danced around freshly in my mind; my body was dressed in sweat, and my throat stung.

Now I'm not totally great at grammatical errors, but this seems like a run-on sentence to me. I'd change the semi-colon to a period. And make it: I sat up, images of what I just witnessed still danced freshly in my mind. My body...etc And I think you mean "drenched" instead of dressed? Or no?

My rooms pale blue walls were flooded with light, the darkness crept away into the corners of my room; I looked over into the corner of my room.

That sounds a little repetitive to me maybe take out some of the rooms?

A tall, brown, hand carved clock that he’d built for me as child. He died when I was only 3. I only have one memory of him left.

Add a comma between a tall and brown.

Me my brother played around on a parks slides, and swings.

Do you mean "Me and my brother"?

, they affectionate like that.

Did you mean "they were affectionate like that"? Or something along those lines?

The only time me family ever felt complete was when he was there, but one night he got he didn’t come home.

I think you mean "my" and I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say there. Did you mean to just say "one night he didn't come home"?

and my eye blue eyes still sting from the sudden the jerk awake

That sounds a little odd to me, maybe needs a re-phrase?

I toss the shirt into my hamper exposing my stomach and there for lack if abs.

I believe you mean *therefore and of*?

tomorrows Monday I might as while enjoy today as much as I can.

tomorrow's?

As I ran my hand through the sleeve, my phone went off. So I scooped it up and answered “hello”. A deep mellow voice replied “Hey, it’s Andrew” (best friend). “Sup, Asian”, I joked. “Do you want to come to mall with me and Dominic we’re planning on buying a book and renting a movie”? He asked. “Yah sounds good I’ll tell you about this messed up dream I just had“I replied happily. It be good to get out, I defiantly needed it right now.”Alright I’ll see yah later” I finished. “good, see yah there",he chirped happily

Couple things about this, first capitalize when he says "hello", and whenever a new character speaks it starts a new paragraph like this:

As I ran my hand through the sleeve, my phone went off. So I scooped it up and answered “hello”.

A deep mellow voice replied “Hey, it’s Andrew” (best friend).

“Sup, Asian”, I joked.

Something like that, and don't worry about it. I had that problem too

Also capitalize the "h" in "hello. And I'd fix the spacing and capitalization of other things in that paragraph Another thing is when you say "Yah" in two different places I'm not sure if I'm correct or not but I think it should be "Yeah" and then just regular "you" (like I said I'm not too good with grammatical stuff) and you have a couple run-on sentences in there that are really easy to fix! As are the other errors

#FF0000 ">WARNING NIT PICKS ARE DONE! IT IS SAFE TO LOOK!

Other things I noticed:

I didn't really notice anything else, other than when you said "(best friend)" for Andrew. You don't have to put them in parentheses, in fact it looks better if you say something like "my best friend Andrew said..." at least I think it does.

And thats all I really saw! But for the story itself I liked it! The title is very eye catching and the story itself has a certain feeling behind it, I can't really place my finger on it right now but its a good feeling so your good!

Keep up the good work! And feel free to PM me with any questions! I'm happy to help!

-Irish