Titanomachy-introduction

“Captain , why are we here ?,I mean , why of all places have you dragged me to this hell hole space station out on the outer rim , for a meeting that you think will be taking place, between two near mythical people” As usual,Dra-kell was a font of encouragement , his insectoid race were known for being eternals pessimists, but Dra-kell was the pinnacle of this. The empty fly like eyes exuded displeasure, at least so it seemed to Locke.

“Because my source has never let me down before and we need this , that bounty on our heads is going nowhere , the clergyman is a harsh bastard with his allies , so how he would deal with me doesn’t bear thinking about” Locke steadied himself on the mezzanine overlooking the plaza where the meeting should be taking place, the cloying smell of diesel and the dim orange lighting made him sickly at the best of times and the anticipation of events to come made the situation no better.

“so who exactly are relieving of their data today then?” The Ento shifted uneasily, the cold blue of his chitinous exoskeleton moved like a stream under the harsh lights of the station. He checked the plasma revolvers in the holsters at his sides, gently spinning the chamber.

“One is an Ento a lieutenant in a relatively minor merc consortium and a human , I’m not sure of his involvement but he’s a danger none the less”

“The Ento is mine, you know the deal” when Locke and Dra-kell had first met , the terms of him accompanying him were clear, all Ento were his and his alone to kill , which Locke later found out was a religious tenant that Dra-kell followed.

“Thanks man, give me the difficult one

The Ento shrugged .The hollow clang of boots on metal indicated there targets were approaching.

“get down, we need to wait for the right moment” Locke clung to the barrier, hoping to remain out of sight , he readied his nanite cannon and silently planned for the all eventualities.

“who’s the third man? “ Dra-kell was peaking through a gap in the panels ,hand at his pistol.

Locke peeked over the barrier ,there was indeed a third figure ,a man ,face buried within a cloak , following the nameless human.

“Shit,he never mentioned someone else” ,Locke’s exasperated whispers did little to quell Dra-kell’s displeasure at being forced into yet another gunfight.

“oh well ,we’re in too deep to turn back now , so we might as well carry on as planned”

“if you say so , but my objection to this should be noted” Dra-kell’s translator mask gave his complaints a European twang ,although this was preferable to the rasping’s of the his unmasked speech.

“Very well, on my signal , we attack , 3,2,1”They leapt clear of the balcony and landed roughly next to the trio of figures. Guns were rapidly pointed by both groups, Locke sighed , the element of surprise had never been his strong point.

“Gentlemen, give me the data and no one has to die! “Locke screamed, hoping to intimidate the three figures currently pointing all manner of firearms at him and his companion.

“No” The derision was evident even within the harsh rasp sounds of the human’s speech

“Why would we do something as stupid as that “The Ento intervened with a monotone drawl.

“Because like I said ,I have no reservations about killing the three of you where you stand , although that is messy and a hell of a lot of noise so just hand of the data and you will …

A blinding light stopped Locke from delivering the rest of his ultimatum, he reeled, he was on the floor, a sharp pain exuded from him nose, and he could taste the iron tang of blood in his mouth. He tried to speak but he was stopped by a swift blow to the side of the head. His vision slowly cleared and he saw that a Station security officer was stood over him gun trained between Locke’s eyes.

“What’s going on “Locke murmured through bloodied lips.

“You are under arrest for the crimes of cyber theft, Piracy, Body murder, Possession of a nanotech weapon, and treason against the pan-European fleet . You hereby forfeit all rights and ownerships of vessels, weapons and data’s .You have the right to a trial following a full mind search”

The harsh voice came from the Security officer above him, the Tox mask covered his face leaving only glowing slits for eyes on an otherwise featureless visage. The symbol of the Pan-European fleet’s customs and piracy bureau was emblazoned on the helmet on his head.

OH, you guys though Locke this not being his first run-in with the CPB,I must have been set up, no one knew that this was happening, when he made it back to his ship he was going to find out what was happening.

The hustle of numerous CPB agents around him was broken only by the laughing of the three he had been sent to rob, clearly they had been fully aware of the impending arrival of the CPB agents.

Locke’s mind wandered trying to weigh up his options and trying to work out how he managed to fall into such a simple trap, his considerations were interrupted by a  sting followed by a cold numbness spreading across his body , a CPB medic was squatting next to him administering a muscle relaxant so Locke couldn’t struggle , not that the gun trained on him wasn’t deterrent enough already.

Somewhere Locke heard Dra-kell being manhandled towards the hanger followed by the rhythmic hydraulic hiss-click of a combat droid’s spider like movement.  Doubtless onto an waiting transit ship ,the Ento having clearly lost his translator mask as the rasps and clicks he produced were going unheeded by oblivious CPB agents.

A flurry of slurred protest fell from Locke’s numb mouth as he was lifted via service droid and carried off in the same direction ,He saw the waiting transporter and was swiftly dropped into the hold .He was at this moment briefly thankful for the muscle relaxant as . His head lolled around ,he saw Dra-kell looking down on him ,clipping his translator back into place Locke knew what was coming. And sure enough he was right

“well done, well fucking done you stupid pink bastard, every time I listen to you I end up in jail, or some captain’s brig , or dumped on some backwater death world ,I don’t know why I bother, all’s you do is make a hash of anything, how did you ever become a pirate in the first place, no one could possibly be as inept as you and earn the title of pirate” The aliens protest was delivered bereft

any audible emotion but Locke could see his skin had changed from its usual soft blue to a dark , glossy black.

“I …was..set up “ The muscle relaxant was wearing off at this point and Locke hauled himself onto the bench opposite Dra-kell.

“The same as always then? Where was the first set up, titan, or was it Zulus prime?”

“This was a different , I used a new info-monger , he set us up and I will have my vengeance,  trust me.” Locke shifted uneasily , finally feeling the pain from the drop onto the Transports floor.

“Of course, but for now , just relax Locke, there’s no way we’re going to make it out of this thing before it stops, we’re being shipped off station, probably back to the Pan-Euro fleet they can mind search us “

“great, looks like I’m going home then, once we dock ,plan from their and try to get some sleep or something .”

“I’ll try” Dra-kell sat in the centre of the cell, his mantis like head glistening under the minimal light of the ships artificial light the cell.He folded his legs into a lotus and entered a deep torpor ,his chitin turning a muted crimson.

 Locke lay back and tried to rest , it would be a few days before they reached the fleet ,and trying to escape would be useless as on one side they had space and on the other , the sealed CPB ship ,Locke considered the options deciding he would rather try his luck in space.He fell asleep not long after ,the pleasant background thrum of the fission engines guiding him into heavy slumber.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:20 pm

Hey! I figured I'd back track here, to hopefully help you with editing and encourage you to post your next part. c:

What's surprising is you start with something I think is so out of character for you:

,I mean , why of all places have you dragged me to this hell hole space station out on the outer rim , for a meeting that you think will be taking place, between two near mythical people


An obvious info-dump! Nooo~ You, who so subtly slips in all this information about political tension and current events, start with a person explaining something to a person who already knows the same thing!? You can do better! I can almost hear it coming more simply, like, while they're waiting, in a moment of bored silence, he goes, "Why are we here again?" but that longer explanation doesn't sit right with me.

Oh gosh, this feels so different from the other portion I reviewed. It's messier in that it has words missing, too, that makes many sentences hard to understand. It doesn't feel as tight as the other chapter, not as driven as the other chapter, and so far I don't enjoy it as much except for this, which reminds me of how you usually are:

Body murder,


That very much hints at a distinction, like there's body murder, and then there's mind murder, which is AWESOME~

All in all, this introduction is not as engaging as your second portion. I have no reason to want to follow these guys. I think it has to do with the fact that they never proved themselves to me, so all I know of them is failure. Why do I want to read about failures? And I have no other motivation to want to follow them. It's not good for an introduction. If we knew about these characters' glowing pasts or had a specific idea of their goals for the future, we could more readily identify and get interested.

With your other chapter, we knew what everyone wanted. Some people wanted the AI to work. Other people wanted the station to be safe. The AI wanted something we don't EXACTLY know, but we are willing to follow his actions to find out because of the nature of his escape: complicity and sudden betrayal.

You should definitely reconsider opening with this.

PM me with any questions!

Good luck and keep writing!

User avatar
Omni
Review
Omni wrote a review · Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:43 am

Here to review!

My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing your work. I will be putting your story in quotes and my notes will be in red. Here we go!


"Captain , why are we here ?,#FF0000 ">???I mean , why of all places have you dragged me to this hell hole space station out on the outer rim ,#FF0000 "> no need for a comma here for a meeting that you think will be taking place, between two near mythical people"

Great dialouge here, you really show that the person who was talking did not like what they were doing.

He checked the plasma revolvers in the holsters at his sides, gently spinning the chamber.

"One is an Ento#FF0000 ">, a lieutenant in a relatively minor merc consortium and a human ,#FF0000 ">period should be here I'm not sure of his involvement but he's a danger#FF0000 ">, none the less"

"The Ento is mine, you know the deal" when Locke and Dra-kell had first met , the terms of him accompanying him were clear, all Ento were his and his alone to kill , which Locke later found out was a religious tenant that Dra-kell followed.

"Thanks man, give me the difficult one#FF0000 ">.


The Ento shrugged .The hollow clang of boots on metal indicated there targets were approaching.

"#FF0000 ">capitalizeget down, we need to wait for the right moment" Locke clung to the barrier, hoping to remain out of sight , he readied his nanite cannon and silently planned for the all eventualities.


So is Dra-kell is an Ento? That part confused me. Other than that, I like how you gave a little backstory that didn't interrupt the story too much.


Locke peeked over the barrier ,there was indeed a third figure ,a man ,face buried within a cloak , following the nameless human.

"Shit,he never mentioned someone else",#FF0000 ">it should be ,"Locke's exasperated whispers did little to quell Dra-kell's displeasure at being forced into yet another gunfight.



"#FF0000 ">capitalizeoh well ,we're in too deep to turn back now , so we might as well carry on as planned#FF0000 ">."





This could be a great place to add a break or even end the chapter, because it is a great cliffhanger. And I like the way that Dra-kell is still angry with Locke. A bit of humor in a serious situation.


"No." The derision was evident even within the harsh rasp sounds of the human's speech#FF0000 ">.


Great imagery there.

The aliens protest was delivered bereft#FF0000 ">.


This kind of ended abruptly. I hope you post the rest of this if there is more, if there isn't, then write more! You have officially enthralled me with this story!

There wasn't a lot of insight with the chars, but you did it in a way that was good without any help. That indicates a great writer. You just need a bit of help with the grammar. If you want, I will be happy to oblige. Just PM if you want help with that!


This is a great story, but all of the spelling and grammatical errors make it hard to read, even for the best of people.

I have put down some of the errors I saw, but it is nowhere near how many there are in there.

Overall this story is good, but you need to proofread it and edit it.

I hoped this helped you,

Omniyus

Hey blackclaw! Welcome to YWS, I hope you are enjoying your time here so far ^_^

The first thing that came to mind while I was reading the first paragraph was, "Hm, I don't think this was proofread." I'll show you what I mean:

“Captain , why are we here ?,I mean , why of all places have you dragged me to this hell hole space station out on the outer rim , for a meeting that you think will be taking place, between two near mythical people” As usual,Dra-kell was a font of encouragement , his insectoid race were known for being eternals pessimists, but Dra-kell was the pinnacle of this.

The first line of a story should be able to capture your readers, and that can be quite hard to do if that line has several punctuation errors.

I'd like to think your spacebar was just sticking, but even so, you should still take care to proofread and make corrections.

I like how you add description to Dra-kell; you tell us how he's part of an insectoid race and is a bit of a pessimist. This is all good. However, there are other lines like "Dra-kell was font of encouragement" that I do not understand.

Also, you have a tendency to write run-on sentences:

Locke steadied himself on the mezzanine overlooking the plaza where the meeting should be taking place, the cloying smell of diesel and the dim orange lighting made him sickly at the best of times and the anticipation of events to come made the situation no better.

To me, this is the size a paragraph should be, not a sentence. Experiment with all the different ways you can rephrase this, such as:

Locke steadied himself on the mezzanine overlooking the plaza. Below him, the meeting had already begun, the cloying smell of diesel and the dim orange lighting making him nauseous. (just a small suggestion)

Also, take care in capitalizing the first word of each sentence. I see more mistakes in the dialogue sentences than the others.

I think overall you do a great job adding description, but you overlook the more simple aspects of adding correct punctuation and capitalization. If you were to brush up on these skills, I think you would be able to create an amazing story!

Keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions with this review.

Have an awesome day!



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