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Alpha & Zee [Untitled] - Ch. 1

by blackcats

The story has been passed from word to mouth and so forth until it had came upon me. Yet, there the words are faulty and seem to loose it's way. There was different versions of the story, ones that made no sense or others that seem mis-heard when it came buzzing around. The story starts with a book in a cabinet in my room. It had never been opened. The key was missing and the desk looked old while the lock shined as if made today. I had learned to pick at locks, open them and sucessfully do this within minutes. This lock had not opened for me until I had asked it politely.

The story would not make sense to anyone without some background information first. The information is boring and slow at first, let me reassure you that it will get good after a short time.

It begins with a family of 5, the pair of parents and three girls. Of course, we could say the littlest girl is the main character but as the books explained, she was not. The little girl's name was Zadora with bouncy blond curls and a plumpy face with rosy cheeks. (All there appearances are very important as you continue.) Though she is not the main character, she is the most important one. Because without her, nothing would have started.

She sits on her chair, next to her older sister. Not the oldest though, she is the middle child. Now Zenith who's hair contrast little Zadora. she with her hair pure shiny black that often seems blue and her eyes matching her little sister's. Her name, which means the highest point in our celestial sky and you shall know why later, should be a reminder that who gets to the top, falls the hardest.

Now only sits Zee. She is our main character. She towers over her sisters, being the oldest. She is not pretty as the other two. Her hair is artificial brown though as natural as a new born's hair. Her hair is long and has been to the middle of her back for quite some time. It had bothered her immensly that it doesn't grow. Had she known her prophercy, she would not be sitting down as she is.

Zee is often described as lacking beauty and needing makeup to highlight her features at this point. Most of these negative views are often in her handwritting. She is not the only testimonial though. This marks one of Zee's biggest change.Washington is her biggest change. Washington, New Hampshire only a few miles off the capital of the state, her hometown where she grew up attending a private Catholic school with all her sisters. It had sparked the needed rebellious spark in her that would have prepared her for her future when she was old enough.

This story does not according to plan. We shall get to that later, all in good time. But as time was being re-written and forced to make sense, her or shall I say, all of the girls', father had been sparking the courage for a purposal to move. Being a writer, he needed his muse and his wife could never have declined to her husband. Had it not been for the fact there mother was older and more pressure sentive to certain changes.

It was Zee who had flustered her way into the worst situation for herself had blurted out 'yes' to her father to move and from there, it seemed like a daydream. They were in Manchester one day and gone the next. This is all the background story we need to continue.


(Send me a review and tell me to write more, if you liked it, ect. <3 Anything would be nice)

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Points: 690
Reviews: 1

Wed Mar 28, 2012 4:16 am
Kyprin wrote a review...

I agree with the previous commenters (reviewers?). The 'main character' business makes things sound stilted an interrupts the fourth wall. I think "subject" or some other synonym might be more appropriate here.
Also, I'm not quite certain if a review is meant to encompass edits or not, but I'd just advise that you re-read this, because there are a few instances where you're missing words and such. Or in your second paragraph, you have a misplaced modifier. You say that "it" had never been opened, but the subject of your last sentence was a book - in fact, what had never been opened was a cabinet. In your... fourth, I think, paragraph, you write '5'. While not technically incorrect, this makes your writing look juvenile. It is always better to type out numbers, and it's fairly mandatory to type out numbers under thirteen(ish). Unless, of course, you're referring to something like "Districts", where the number would be part of a proper title.
Okay, now I'm editing. I'm sorry. It's kind of ingrained. I'll try to get back to general reviewing.
While I do like the distant tone you've adopted, kind of Snicket-esque, it seems to me as though this is a prologue, and the main body of your story will be told in a more traditional third person. However, this is just my impression. It could be that you intend to keep it in first/second person the entire time. If so, though, I might suggest you not make the last sentence quite so final, so that it lends itself more to continuation.
Honestly, from this prologuey thing, I'm not entirely certain where your story's going. The premise seems interesting enough, though your focus on the girls' appearance, especially the older two, might turn some readers off - I found it distracting and unnecessary, for example; I simply don't care what Zee's opinion of herself is. You as the author like your characters already, and it is your burden to make the reader like (or dislike) your characters as much. In addition, you start with a description of the girls and then the declaration that they're moving, and this starts the story...? It doesn't flow, and it's kind of disruptive, as I don't quite know where you're going with it.

All of this makes me sound really mean, so I'm sorry. Truth be told, I think you show a lot of promise and that with a clearer idea of where you're going and what you want from this story, you could take it somewhere interesting. I advise outlining (even though I, myself, find it doesn't work) if you can make it work. Wading in with a clear direction always makes the process so much easier than diving before taking the depth.

Above all, keep writing! This is me making a happy face without descending to the level of actually including an emoticon in a review.

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Points: 806
Reviews: 4

Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:33 am
SidereaAquila wrote a review...

I am intrigued! I like the outside narrator style when it fits, and it definitely fits here. Your writing is clear and concise, but casual enough to draw the reader in. I like how you describe the characters before getting into the story--I tend to picture what I read as a live-action movie, and this makes it a lot easier.

I did notice a few awkward grammar bits, specifically this chunk: "Not the oldest though, she is the middle child. Now Zenith who's hair contrast little Zadora. she with her hair pure shiny black that often seems blue and her eyes matching her little sister's." There are a few sentence fragments in here. I might change it to something like, "She is not the oldest, though, she is the middle child. Now Zenith's hair is very contrasting to little Zadora's. Her hair is pure shiny black that often seems blue, and her eyes match her little sister's." Also, in the next paragraph, you start two consecutive sentences with "her hair." I'm being a little nit-picky here, but it was slightly awkward to read. And about the fragments--if they were supposed to be that way, don't change them. I can't tell if you meant to do that or not.

On a final note, I like the alliteration in the girls' names--it goes nicely with the general tone. Keep writing, I want to hear more! :)

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Points: 1141
Reviews: 3

Sun Mar 25, 2012 12:57 pm
RainyDay1119 wrote a review...

Okay, that was interesting. It's good that you're telling it the 'story telling' way.

But to give you some comments, it kind of breaks the flow because of the mentioning of 'the background' and the 'main character', etc. I don't think it's necessary for you to tell these things. People would eventually find out while reading. Especially, the background information thing kind of seems awkward.

"Though she is not the main character, she is the most important one. Because without her, nothing would have started."
I think this sentence would be better if it was changed to something like "You could either think that she had brought fortune, or misfortune," or something else.

And you should also delete the sentence about how appearances are important and stuff.

This is sort of the introduction, right? I mean, it's fine if this isn't the actual piece of writing, it's just a simple intro, but it might be annoying to some people when these things are included. I suggest that you write the story without a prologue thing. But then again, it's your choice, isn't it?

Anyway, I like your atmosphere. Without a lot of explanations, I kind of can picture how it's like in your book. You do a great job on the sentences, I have to say. It keeps the piece intruiging.
Continue, please! Really, you have talent on the atmosphere!

When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind