Kiss my bee-stung lips,
Drive the splinters into my skin,
Thrust until I can’t breathe.
Lift your neck upward - higher, higher,
Until the sun melts the blue plastic of the sky
And the air scalds our fingers.
Take hold of this coil within me,
Don’t ever let it go,
Even if the fear shatters my eyes.
Inhale the incandescence, feel its sweet burn
Until it bursts your lungs and you fall,
And this coil springs back into me, resilient and alone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey blackbird!
Because I'm a day late to review this, Jack has swooped in and really taken the words right out of my mouth. I don't have much else to add. Overall, you have some very nice images, with some pretty phrases and interesting descriptions, but they seldom connect back to an overall theme. The only thing really holding the imagery here together is the presence of two characters-- a "you" and an "I". I suggest you strengthen the "you" character a bit, because right now your narrator is really just bossing them around a lot (Do this, do that, etc) and we don't get much of a feel for the emotions at all. And then find a way to make your images consistent-- find a common theme, an overarching metaphor that they all connect back to. You have the leaves and the petals of the poem; now you just need the stem.
Best of luck, good job, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hey blackbird,
As requested!
I certainly think this is an improvement on the other two. If only because it forced me to think, which is what a poem should do.
My main difficult with it, however, is the metaporical "coil". I couldn't quite work out what it was supposed to represent with any certainty. I have some ideas, of course, but not with any confidence. I think it is because your language, while evocative, is a bit muddled. We have bee stings and splinters, but then suddenly we have the sky and the sun. We then have shattering and bursting and springing (good verbs, though!). So I think what my advice is here is to tighten your metaphors, make them link in a better overall theme, because it's a bit all over the place at the moment and it's nebulous.
Let me know what you reckon.
Hi there, Blackbird! ^__^
This was a very nice opening stanza. Well done.
I would have said "upward - higher, higher," instead of "upward, higher, higher," but that is just a nitpick and is not necessary, though I do believe it would look and read better that way.
I feel like your rhythm was thrown off in this stanza. It's just not as high-quality of the other stanzas in your poem, as I see it.
This was the perfect ending. It couldn't have been better.
Overall:
You have a beautiful poem here, blackbird. It is full of creativity and depth, and lacks the cliche words so many other poems are burned with. This poem left me thinking. Nice job.
-Mizz-
Hello there blackbird12
To be honest, I found this a bit confusing at first. But you know what, this is a great poem. I liked the depth and how you used your words.
For some strange reason, this made me smile. Good work on these lines, great imagery too.
Definitely a thought provoking poem, I like poems that leave me thinking.
Good job, no bad comments on this one from me