We wake early. The trees seem broken in the slant of coming light. They bend their arms like men in prayer, and we lie underneath, held in their roots.
In this garden, overgrown cathedral of the earth, my body is in his own hands. He opens me, peeling away the skin, muscle, bone—unbound until I am all that ever was in the beginning, this dark red clay beneath, where we once lay unformed. Bending in unborn pose, learning to pray as we first heard his name, murmured in the tilling of this ground from which we were borne—
Into me he descends with hands folded.
Entering as if through the sanctum of a rose—silken doors of petals opened at his presence, thick partitions where he kneels before this womb, trembling, yearning for that commotion of silk and flesh, the single moment of consummation—
Taken into his hands, the petals unclasped and what remains within revealed, a bride peeled of her veil—
The vows burgeon from my lips. Let this blood loosen from my veins, let it be sown through the garden. Let my scent live on in the fragrance of flowers. One day they would erupt into bloom and bear my name, for him.
I would let myself break open for him. Lead me, let me follow the beckoning of the earth, into which I would be cast once more. Let me be consumed. I would pray to be built in his hands again, to be hewn from his bone. From this loam I was once uprooted, the tangled undergrowth of bodies torn through, and still I would come for him, I would resurface—
As the sun is unearthed from the red mud of dawn.
I wasn't going to comment on this, because I loved it, but then I saw the other comments and I kind of disagreed with them, so I figured I would comment on it and express my own opinion.
I really liked this, and I really loved the connection with the sacraments. The language used was very... reminiscent of an actual sacrament, because it is an opening up of love, essentially, and I really like that you pushed the limits to the point you did. Because, it shows the vulnerability of love that makes people vulnerable, really. This mostly seemed to be about the sacrament of marriage, of course, because of the explicitness involved, but you could argue with it that this could mean a number of different things. And I like that a lot.
Also, the roses... yeah. Our Lady of Roses is the Virgin, so it kind of reminds me of that too. Don't ask, lol. I think it's cool.
Anyway! I really like this. And I like the sexual explicitness of it. It kind of reminds me of Donne, in a way. It's awesome.
I'm assuming this is a prose poem, yes? It's--I haven't seen something like this before. Could be a good thing. Could be I'm not as worldly as I try to be. Could be a bad thing.
I almost didn't finish reading it, because it made me uncomfortable. Art, always making people all emotional. I wasn't sure what i was exactly reading, but it made my skin crawl a little and make me want to be like, "Nope, not gonna happen." But then I realized I needed to finish it.
Now? Still not quite sure what happened. It seemed spiritual and sensual and somehow about the Earth. It was confusing, but in a sort of love/hate sort of way. It was an oddity, but it made me feel something.
Um, my suggestions would be to clarify. Tell us what you mean, unless you want discomfort and awkwardness to stem from this poem. You involved a lot of description, but little character. I had no idea who these people were. I just saw a lot of flashes of dirt and hands (and sex). It made me feel like a dirty, dirty person. But I'll be honest, I suppose.
So, yes. Maybe also look into how people normally format prose poems? Or tell us what you were going for--format-wise and content-wise? Maybe then I'd be a bit less confused, feel a little less dense.
Keep writing. Also, your brain seems like an interesting place to be.
-Cas
So, I've been trying to write a review here for the past few days, and I'm still somewhat stuck.
I'm torn with your format, partly because I feel like you're using commas to force me to read as if there's a line break and it isn't working - I'm not sure if that was your actual intent, but it's coming across that way to me as I'm reading. For example, you have "The bend their arms like men in prayer, and we lie underneath, held in their roots." and all those commas feel unnatural to me as I'm reading. If it was in verse (rather than prose-poetry), I'd suggest getting rid of those entirely, and instead doing something like:
They bend their arms like men in prayer
and we lie underneath,
held in their roots.
So uh, long story short, stylistically I don't like that first comma there.
In general, I'm not really liking the asides/dependent clauses everywhere. It's just too wordy, even for what I think you're trying to accomplish stylistically.
Now, I can't for the life of me figure this bit out - who's POV is this in, exactly? What are you trying to say? "Sacraments" to me suggests biblical. Then, I get this image of surrender that makes me want to claw my eyes out: it's not a surrender or equality, but this surrender that is defined in terms of the male and only the male (assuming a male/female duality here) - as if existence hinges upon him. Now, this can work poetically, but you don't have the set up for it. It's reading too much like pretty language to mask something being said about gender roles, to me.
Basically? I think this is simply too much effort and fluff, and not enough meat.
When I opened this document, the first thing that popped into my mind was that your structure did not necessary constitute basic poetry structure, which is probably why this is not getting the attention it deserves. I think you played it out well in the fact that this really shouldn't be listed under short stories for the thick imagery, but it's still a rather experimental style. The kind that could still, as beautifully as it sounds, be listed under prose.
But I'm not exactly a stickler for structure, and critiquing you on that would be a waste of time. You're not a hapless youngin'. You know what you're doing, so let's not beat around the bush.
The imagery in this piece was stunning. A really strong semblance of using the most primitive imagery (earth) to explain some of the most primitive emotions and actions. I had a feeling this was about consummation and the sacrament of marriage, which could explain why you chose to use such clean, tender imagery, like unfurling petals and the blooms that will one day bear your name. It's very sweet, in that sense, but still primitive in the emotions depicted.
Mind you, the imagery in itself has been played before in many different ways. In fact, I'm pretty sure the term often used is 'deflowering' so to see you write a piece like this solely based on something surrounding that ideology is interesting but a bit expected.
And beautiful diction is fantastic, but you overplayed this in many sections, as if you knew exactly what you were going to do, and then doubled it over just to show that you're a fantastic writer. Another intimidation factor, really, which could lead this poem/short story to not get as many reviews or likes as it deserves. And sometimes the best lines and pieces are the most simplistic in nature. Subtlety does not necessary constitute large, complicated sentence structures.
This does deserve quite a bit more attention than it's received up until this point. A great showing of what you're capable of doing as well as the the way in which you can bend and swirl your words and images in tight knots around each other. Poetry should be like braiding; taking each string of reason and imagery and metaphor then twirling them together in this perfect twine and balance. Not many people have the capability of twining something all the way through like you did. But you did, and it was gorgeous.
A bit pretentious in diction style and the images you chose were a little on the stale side. But otherwise, an extremely strong and sound piece.
~Walker