they come out to play at night.
the yellow-eyed Monsters,
they hide in my closet
as my mind drifts to a plastic world where
the deaf hear
the blind see
the mute speak.
the red-eyed Monsters,
they crawl under my bed
as I dream a field of paper flowers.
blossoms pale and crisp
white petals curling
grass drenched in perfume.
the Monsters inside my head,
their claws tear
their fangs gnaw
they lick their lips and smile.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like your ideas, but I don't think this poem allows them to come to fruition. It's rather confusing when you speak about the deaf hearing, the blind seeing, etc., because I feel like this poem was about how something effected you and not others. I could be wrong, but hey?
Hiya Blackbird12! I quite like this ...
I have to admit, the line breaks bother me. Perhaps you could combine the first line with the next three. I love the description of a world as "plastic"; this lets me know right away that this will be some sort of a wild fantasy poem. However, everyone hopes for a world where the disabled can do the things they can't. Frankly, the second stanza itself is pretty cliche. I say, keep the concept, toss the words. That's what poetry is all about, right? It's the concepts.
Ooh, I like this! It sort of reminds me of the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." I can invison that field perfectly! However, I don't see the point of the last line here: "glass drenched in perfume." How does this have anything to do with "blossoms pale and crisp/white petals curling"?
I love how the Monsters go from hiding in your closet to crawling under your bed to being inside your head. I love the poem overall. It just seems so scary yet silly, sort of like Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are. I hope you wanted the poem to seem sort of silly, because that's the path the descriptions of your thoughts and dreams took me on. Good luck!
I found this poem interesting, but I think that it needs some work.
It seems to just wander aimlessly. Maybe try and regiment it a little more. The randomness of it kinda threw me off. I mean, I'm not opposed to free verse, but I don't think it works in this case.
I did however, like the story it presented.
Overall, I think that it is a good effort, and with a little tweaking, this could be one heck of a poem.
I won't repeat what Skins said about the capitalization of the lines, but just be aware of that.
Cheers,
Pros
Hyeaa
I'm here to review as requested. I'll start of with any nit-picks, grammatical errors or any spelling corrections that I have for you.
Overall
This was pretty good. It wasn't the best poem I've ever read, but it certainly wasn't the worst either. My favourite thing about this is probably the idea of the poem as a whole. What I like is the fact that the overall theme of this isn't about something annoyingly cliché, like love. Love poems really do get on my nerves sometimes.
My main critique would be the fact that I think you need to be a bit more creative with this. You've got a nice start, I just think that you could expand what you already have and make it more interesting and creative. I'm not saying that this is not interesting or creative at all, I just think that it could be more interesting and creative. I've used the words interesting and creative loads...
Like usual when reviewing poems... I don't have anything else to say about this. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers say/have said and edit this up a bit. I can tell that this poem definitely does have potential, you just need to bring it out!
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Hey blackbird,
To stop myself sounding like a broken record I'm going to mostly refer to my critique of your other poem, "Mannequin" and ask you to read my advice there, because it also applies to this effort.
Things like the "deaf hear" and the "blind speak" are at least legitimate attempts to subvert something, and that's encouraging. However, lingering there as lines on their own, they're weak and unsupported by your other stanzas. Don't be afraid to make yours lines longer, and more advanced.
I've seen poems about Monsters before and it's all a bit similar, red eyes, fangs, they're out at night (why aren't they out at day? I see plenty of monsters in the day, in my head, and outside), and it's just too familiar for me to gain anything from this.
Good luck in future revisions and new poems,
Cheers,
Jack.