...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey blackbird, sorry for taking so long to get here.
the "is" sticks out awkwardly, as you've skipped it in all the others. Just removing that word would make the line smoother. As bubblewrapped pointed out, the word 'tendons' also doesn't fit: first, the sound of the word is just--flat, for lack of a better word, after the shorter, more rounded syllables of "finely webbed", and second I associate tendons more with movement, while roots, which are nutrition, seem to me more like veins or capillaries. (also, I believe "reach the roots" should be "reach for the roots"?)First: I really like this poem, with your parallelling of the progression/decay of the flowers and the passing of time for the woman, and the emphasis you've put on bodies/organs imagery: it's very organic, even as it ages and dies.
The main issue I see in this poem is the flow. You'll have it going okay for a bit, and then suddenly halt in some points. It's not exactly abrupt, but it just looks/sounds off. For example, at
"The" here can be excised": it's unnecessary, and the phrase flows smoother without it, and I think it also broadens the image: not just a specific, definite death, but the very idea of it.
The last stanza is great, nothing to poke at.
A last comment: the on-off punctuation through the whole poem bothers me a bit. You use commas in some spots, but neglect to put them in other places that could use them just as much (eg "plunging into earth / the rim of her straw hat" or "the withering comes quicker / she lingers"). It creates a forced streamlined flow, which would be good save that we eventually stumble on one of those punctuation marks that you do use, and then are left wondering why they weren't there earlier. It doesn't kill the poem, which is why I'm not going too RAWR over it, but you might want to consider looking at it.
Oh, lovely. I love the way you've layered the meaning of the deadheads and connected it with the gardener's own aging process. Gorgeous. I had a problem with "tendons" in the first stanza -- I feel like it breaks up the flow you've established and makes me step back from the poem somewhat. I get the image you're going for, though; perhaps you could change it to something like nerves, nerve systems, etc.? And I'm going back and forth over the ending. It is somewhat ho-hum, but the quietness is in keeping with the rest of the poem. Perhaps toy with it a bit, see if you hit on anything that works better. Overall a beautiful piece. Kudos
I really like this poem, but the ending kind of annoyed me. There is no bang. Nothing that made me really think. This poem seemed kind of bland actually. I know that there is the deeper meaning. But, I think you should edit or create another stanza for the ending. I want something I can look at, wonder about, something that makes different opinions come int my brain.
Sorry, but I had to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences. It just doesn't look right if you have all punctuation except capital letters.
Hope I helped,
A. S.
#4000BF ">I like everything in blue.
#FF0000 ">I would change 'in' to 'into'
'deadheads' was a word that was just awkward for me.
I would switch final and daring around so it read like 'daring final bud' instead.
The last line didn't intrigue me
As usual, I'm about to give you the most useless review ever. I hope you don't mind too much.
So- beautiful descriptions once again. I love the simplicity of the imagery, that's pulled off with an almost delicacy. Very well done. Great phrasing and language- it's what really separates your style from others. Excellent piece altogether.
-Coral-