lonely

First off, let me say I loved the message in this, but I do have a few nitpicks for you.

I am lonely#FF0000 ">,
dont feel loved#FF0000 ">.
There#FF0000 ">'s a noise around me#FF0000 ">. I'd change this to "There is noise around me."
Often a crowd#FF0000 ">,
I stand in the middle of the masses of people#FF0000 ">.
And #FF0000 ">I feel as though #FF0000 ">I am on my own#FF0000 ">.
Is there not a human being that can take this loneiness away from me?
Someone who #FF0000 ">I can reach out to, and make me feel ok?
I Am loney and #FF0000 ">no one stands in my way and it is like #FF0000 ">no one care if I just walked away#FF0000 ">.

A really good write..The emotions really came through
It's something we can all relate to at times...
like it!

I liked this poem. It evoked your thoughts clearly and effortlessly. One thing I must point out to you is this last line:

I Am loney and noone stands in my way and it is like noone care if I just walked away

For one, you spelled "lonely" incorrectly. You also spelled "no one" as "noone". But these are just some minor flaws in grammar. Also, the sentence flow of this last line was bit off to me. Maybe you should have written it as, "-..,and it is like no one would care if I just walked away." Or maybe as "I am lonely, and no one stands in my way; it is like no one would care if I walked away."

But anyway, good job overall. I really liked this a lot.

Hi there, Julie here to review! Here are my corrections:

I am lonely#FF0000 ">.
I don#FF0000 ">'t feel loved#FF0000 ">.
There#FF0000 ">'s a noise around me#FF0000 ">.

Often a crowd

I stand in the middle of the #FF0000 ">massof people
And #FF0000 ">I feel as though #FF0000 ">I am on my own#FF0000 ">.
Is there not a human being that can take this loneiness away from me?
Someone #FF0000 ">whom I can reach out to

and make me feel ok?

I #FF0000 ">am lonely and #FF0000 ">no one stands in my way and it is like #FF0000 ">no one care if I just walked away#FF0000 ">.

thanks thats great

I do understand what you are saying to the readers, and you make it very very clear, which is great. One thing I would have to agree with, is to use a Thesaurus. Also, I probably would have liked it better if it rhymed also, but, I think you did a really good job anyway, with the meaning behind it. Lots of people can relate too.

ooopsies-

"Isolated BY thier company."



Gotta do my APUSH homework now.

I like this, it does a great job of catching what you are feeling and paints a great picture with the crowd metaphor, but it does need some revision, and with a few redrafts I think this can be a truly touching poem.

I like the simplicity, because you don't need to muddy your thoughts and feelings with unnecessary wordage-but that doesn't mean you can't "diversify" your word choosing.

"Often a crowd
I stand in the middle of the masses of people
And i feel as though i am on my own"

Here's an example of what I am talking about-

There's a noise around me,
the murmer of a crowd,
I stand lost in the masses of faces,
isolated their company"

I really liked your poem. Keep at it.

thank you to all for comments i feel that this is only the start for me i am also writeing a novel . my writeing can be quite deep my poem lonely was my first deep if you kina want to call it. but i mainly write about personal times so just look out for them add me on facebook then i can get to know you intrests as writers to thanks xx

Hi Blackberry

At the moment your poem seems a lot of feeling coming out all at once, but that's what a lot of poems are so I think you should go back and work on this, to make it even better!

For Instance the structure, you can always isolate certain lines to go with the theme of the poem, 'loneliness' and you can think up some metaphors and similes to paint a picture in the readers mind of what your feeling. For instance;


"I stand in the middle of the masses of people
And i feel as though i am on my own"

You could replace this with something like...

"Alone, like a needle lost in a haystack, when will somebody find me?"
(I know that's not very good, but it's just an example)

Also you have a few punctuation mistakes and you sometimes forget to capitalise letters, which is just a sake of going through your work before you post. I look forward to reading an improved version!

Copper

I think it's good.Ok,look.The meaning's great and it happens to be the way I sometimes feel.
It's really good,but needs some fixing and final touches.
The people before already said it,but I think you should read it aloud and try to make it flow-not really sure if you get what I mean,but just do what you feel is right.
Good job

blackberry2011 wrote:I am lonely#FF0000 ">,
I dont feel loved#FF0000 ">.
Theres a noise around me#FF0000 ">,
#800080 ">often a crowd#FF0000 ">.
I stand in the middle of the masses of people#FF0000 ">,
#800080 ">and i feel as though i#00FFFF ">'m on my own#FF0000 ">.
Is there not a human being that can take this loneiness away from me#FF0000 ">;
#800080 ">someone who i can reach out to, and make me feel ok?
I Am loney#FF0000 ">, and #FF0000 ">no one stands in my way and it#00FFFF ">'s like #FF0000 ">no one #00FFFF ">would care if I just walked away#FF0000 ">.

blackberry2011 wrote:I Am loney#FF0000 ">, and #FF0000 ">no one stands in my way#FF0000 ">,
and it#00FFFF ">'s like #FF0000 ">no one #00FFFF ">would care if I just walked away#FF0000 ">.

hey thanks ermmm can u tell our mtes ect to rate and review it please thanks x

First off, this is a strong poem. It says what you the author was inteding for it to say. You know what I mean? It's very straight forward.

But one thign that threw me off, or made in unattractive was the fact that the grammar was a bit shaky. And at one part (I don't remember exactly where) but you use a word, and then you use it again in the next line. Try using a thesaurus and make it sound more interesting.

If you work on those parts, I think your poem could be very good and impacting.

Good luck!