I have seen so many,
Painted so much,
My masterpieces are thrown away,
And shunned and mourned by society,
I am used to do the dirty work,
Allowed not to feel anything,
But no matter what, I am happy,
Making masterpiece's is my lifes dream,
But the only paint I have to use is red,
So I shall paint the world red,
I shall give people the joy of being my subject,
And regardless of their feelings I paint them red,
Just like I have to continuously do so, no matter how I feel,
I see my subject, and I imagine what they'd look like when I'm done,
To feel their flesh and skin as I paint them a beautiful red,
Because no matter what I am but a blade, doing my masters will.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Very well written!
Some thing I feel like you could have worked on. You put commas on every line except the end- making it a very long sentence. I feel like this was somewhat distracting, but that's just me. Also, I feel like "paint them red" was somewhat overused, getting to a place where the phrase felt old.
Do keep writing, I love this piece!
Very well written!
Some thing I feel like you could have worked on. You put commas on every line except the end- making it a very long sentence. I feel like this was somewhat distracting, but that's just me. Also, I feel like "paint them red" was somewhat overused, getting to a place where the phrase felt old.
Do keep writing, I love this piece!
Really liked this!
It was super dark and disturbing which I totally love XD
I had a feeling that the red paint was blood but still, the ending was very shocking.
Part of me thinks that maybe this would be better if it was written from the killer's POV rather than the blades? Simply because the way it is written is as if from a serial killer who see's his kills as forms of art. I've been watching a drama where the serial killer arranges his victims into poses and takes pictures of them. The wording of this poem seems to fit his way of thinking.
Anyway, just a thought
It's a great piece. Well done!
Ohhhhh, this poem took a deep and dark twist at the end - I love that!
Firstly, you need to re-evaluate your choice of grammar in this piece. Although you have poetic freedom when writing, I feel like punctuation can either make or break a poem. In this case, I was so distracted by your lack of full stops to fully enjoy this piece.
I won't make any specific suggestions as I will allow you to feel the stops that come naturally to you.
I would suggest tweaking this lines: "I am used to do the dirty work, / Allowed not to feel anything". Here is my suggestion: "I am used to do the dirty work, / not allowed to feel anything." I just think it makes a little more sense to the reader, and doesn't disrupt your flow at all!
"But no matter what, I am happy"... In my opinion, this is just a weak line. I would re-write it or discard it.
"But the only paint I have to use is red, / So I shall paint the world red" ... Too repetitive ending two lines in a row with the word red.
"Just like I have to continuously do so, no matter how I feel"... Does not make sense. Please proofread.
In addition, watch your use of commas in this piece. Sometimes, you miss out on using them, making it hard for the poem to flow naturally.
With some improvements, I think this could be a really great piece! Awesome concept