crouching in the corner of a room
blazing unblinking eyes
thinking lotta how to be known
and start throwing the ball
here's the outcome
my sober laugh
they never realize for who am i
they never realize for wat i try
they never realize why i cry
they never care even when i die
they nver care even where would i ly
learn to walked pathway
hope the spotlight back for me
with smile drawn on my face
let they come see me
but here i am
the old clown of all man
wat do u think bout this?i need critics
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
That line doesn't make any sense at all to me. I had to read the poem a few times to really even understand what was going on. Grammar needs a little bit of work. The stanzas don't really tie together, it feels like a bunch of different ideas all crammed into one piece. The title also confused me. I do like your repetition in the 3rd stanza, though.
This was really... well... I don't know what it was, but whatever it is there's a lot of it.
Point-by-point time!
- Take it out of either the bold or the italics. It makes it too hard to read; too in-your-face. (And not in a good way.)
- Capitalize your "I"s. It's sloppy and juvenile to have everything in lowercase.
- Reread and see if you can find the spelling errors. (Hint: "Ly" is not a word. Neither is "nver".)
- "thinking lotta how to be known" makes no sense whatsoever. What are you trying to say?
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
There are alot of things happen-ing in the first stanza, but I can't see where it's going. The repetition in the third stanza annoyed me after a few lines because it's all common rhymes that don't demonstrate an attempt to think outside the box [side note: unless you're trying to make a point, proper spelling is helpful in not putting people off to your poem]. The fourth stanza confuses me; I'm not sure what's happening. Interesting concept, but the execution could use some spiffing up.
PM me if you have any questions,
-Amelia
This has the makings of a great poem, and the concept is interesting. It's just the grammer and punctuation which lets it down, so I would work on that.
Good job though.