“You are manic depressive. You have bipolar disorder.”
Those words would make any heart skip a beat. Being told that you have something biochemically wrong with you, such as bipolar disorder, something that can’t be fixed, is a lot to handle. Diagnosed at 19, and forced to live with it for the rest of your life. What would you do? What could you do?
The normal route is to go on mood stabilizers, and an antidepressant unless you are already on one, like I was. And said stabilizer doesn’t, you know, stabilize for a few weeks, so you are still left feeling like shit. I’m not blaming the medication because I know it takes that long to work, but goddamn it I still feel like absolute garbage. I’m in the depressive phase right now, and I feel utterly out of control. I don’t know how to stop that other than writing.
I don’t know what I was to accomplish by writing this out, but I wanted to touch on a subject that is not talked about too often. A lot of people discuss depression and anxiety, both of which I have been suffering from for years, and that is perfectly valid. But sitting here, in my college’s library, and calming myself down from the fear of failure now that I have this permanent diagnosis… it’s a lot to handle.
I have no idea what my future holds, and I am scared. I am terrified. I can only hope that I will be able to handle it and that I will continue to try to prosper to the best of my abilities. Right now, I’m going to focus on feeling better as much as I can.
Here’s to the rest of this frickin’ life. I hope that it goes up from here.