boy friend girl friend

boy friend girl friend it's all the same
no matter what they can back you feel lame
they mack you fill full with their pull
but don't forget they can make you feel like a fool
even yet make you feel like dog stool
so what ever you don't be pulled in like a fool

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Writersdomain
Review

As xanthan stated, your rhymes are forced and it doesn't work.
Your 3rd line was out of rhyme scheme and you tried to make up for it by rhyming the last three lines, two of which were the same word.

no matter what they can back you feel lame


This line didn't make much sense. It might be a typo, but 'can you back'?

they mack you fill full with their pull
but don't forget they can make you feel like a fool
even yet make you feel like dog stool
so what ever you don't be pulled in like a fool


First line thoroughly confused me. Don't sacrifice the clarity of your phrases for rhyme! 'a dog stool'? This was really forced... but it kind of reminded me of 'dog drool' :D . ANYWAYS, here you used 'fool' twice... and the repetition didn't do much except rhyme.

This poem was very confusing so work on clear phrasing and not forcing the rhyme. Practice with some free verse to work on phrasing and then maybe try rhyming.

User avatar
xanthan gum
Comment

don't force rhymes, increase your vocabulary and read some poetry. it's more about rhythm and meaning than anything else. so don't force something that won't come.

User avatar
Torpid
Comment

u need to revise this dude, i thought it was kinda funny though. Cool.



To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13