Dreams

Hey birdsfly97,
Great writing, I realy enjoyed your choice of words. Continue writing !

I'm going to start by saying this is really good.
It's somewhat cute too. c:
I really don't have any critiques for you. This was a nice read.! Very detailed, I saw what I was reading. That is a talent.
Nice job, keep it up.

~Tale xx

Hello! Here to review!

Salty wet sand,
Melts between my toes,
Whilst far across the land,
My dreams and hopes impose.

Fluttering from tree to tree,
They flicker across the sky.
Sparkling in the dazzling night,
As dainty as a butterfly.

I'd like to start of by saying that this poem didn't really work it for me. Not only does the rhyme scheme seem unnecessary, it seems forced.
What I did like was this particular stanza: Daring to impress,
They fly up into the sky.
Wishing only to express,
My great desires swept aside.

I don't why, I just really liked it.
You're a good writer, you just need practice.

First and foremost, welcome to YWS! I don't think we've been formally introduced. I'm Dreamwalker but most people just call me Walker. You, of course, can call me whatever you see fit.

Nonetheless, as much as there may already be an excessive amount of reviews already here, i thought I would lay my own two cents as well.

Firstly, I have a bit of a soft spot for shorter poems, this being one of the shortest with the most minimal words per line I've had the chance to review in the past while. A poem that gets its intent across in so short of space will always have my deepest regards, so for that I give you props.

As for the content, I felt it didn't really live up to the expectation a short poem generally brings. Not, of course, saying this is bad. Poetry, in any form, is never bad. Just, there are certain things I would like to discuss when it comes to the poet's intent verses aesthetic diction.

You have a very straightforward way of sculpting imagery, especially within the constrains of form and structure. This sort of 'this is how it looks and this is what I feel and this is what happened' that would generally constitute prose, seeing as prose is all the writers intent. Everything about a short story, or a novel, or a novella, depicts what story the author wants you to understand, and the feeling the writer wants you to gain. The use of setting and plot and characterization are all tools of which the writer uses to gain the knowledge and understanding needed to get the intent across.

But poetry doesn't do that, love. Poetry is not like prose.

When we look at poetry, only a fraction of it is the intent of the poet. It's not just what the poet is trying to get across, but the aesthetics and diction and the fact that, and the end of it all, you come out feeling your own sense of what it meant. There is not explicit 'this is what it should be and this is what I want you to see' but an open-ended nature that gives you the chance to decide for yourself.

It's intent mixed with multi-facets. The aesthetics, which are due to metaphor and imagery and all those pretty poetic devices you learn about in language arts (or english, depending on if and where you are). Without poetic device, you have mere intent, and it's plain and short and, quite frankly, boring. It's like taking the main theme of a short story and summarizing it. It makes poetry look like the easiest thing to do, when in actuality, poetry is a cruel mistress.

So tell me, love. What makes this any different then simple intent?

I can give you a list, albeit a small one.

First and foremost, you used rhyme. The secret weapon of a poet is the ability of making something sound whimsical and sing-song-like, which is the usual method of ones choice of structure. The obvious 'this is a poem because prose doesn't rhyme so it has to be' sort of ideology, and, to a certain degree, I suppose it would be a correct one too. Just that, if thats the only thing you have running for you, the poem will lack and the impact it will bring will be minimal.

The next thing you gave was a small mix of imagery. The dreams slowly crawling. The hopes that flutter from tree to tree. This is, of course, is where Hannah came in and gave you such affronted advice. If you use imagery, connect it. Give us reason as to why, and you'll have a whole second facet. A necessary facet when it comes to good poetry. There was no continuity which took away from the general sense of purpose that came from that second facet, and in which case, you didn't really encumber something extremely thought provoking.

I think, a big reason for that would be due to the fact that you have such a structure.

My biggest advice, at this point, seeing as I've rambled on far longer than I probably needed to, would be to write something without structure. Then get back to me. I want to see what you're made of, and I think the structure here really weighed you down. I don't think this is the best I'm going to see from you.

Keeping writing. I'll be around if you want to discuss.
~ Walker

Hey birds
I just want to start by saying I have a particular dislike of rhyme in my own poetry. I've found that it often compromises the emotion of a piece and it's easiest to just... well, to just not do it.
That said, I don't always hate it when I'm reading it, but it must be executed well and near flawless. It should feel natural, like "Of course this poem rhymes." Your rhyming just doesn't work for me. It may just be a matter of personal preference, but ultimately I think I'm justified in my opinion, and here's why.
First of all, I felt like more important elements of poetry (such as rhythm) were compromised for the sake of the rhymes. The syllable count is uneven and it just doesn't work.
Now, I'm not saying you have to sit at your computer and count syllables. If it's too precise you'll end up sacrificing the emotion. The poem should sound nice when read aloud, though, and that's important to remember.
In stanzas two and three your rhymes are the same, bothe stanzas having lines 2 and 4 with i sounding ends.
If that makes any sense.
the punctuation after every line constricts flow as well.

On to the positives
I love a lot of the imagery. Salty wet sand melts between my toes... it brings to mind an image of standing barefoot on the beach. Just a delicious bit of imagery.
Stanza two made me think of stars. Falling stars and fireflies and long summer nights. Not sure it that's exactly what you intended, but I really really liked the way it brought up good memories for me.

Personally, poetry has always seemed the most difficult to write because there are so many different elements and factors to it. You have to keep in mind how it looks on the page, how it sounds, your word choice has to be specific and advanced but also has to roll off the tongue, and overall it just presents a challenge.
A good kind of challenge, though.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I think the best thing to do it to keep writing. All the time. Literally. (Okay, maybe you don't have to carry around a notebook constantly, but definitely try to write daily if you have the time.)

A lot of times poems say the same things over and over without really changing much. This is, as you can imagine, not the most exciting to read, but it's a stage everyone goes through. Again, keep writing and you'll break out of it and start to really really see your voice. (I can see it and it's just... Fantastic. I love it and I can't wait to see mroe from you.)
I wish I had better advice than to just write through everything but that's what I've always done.

Overall I like your poem aside from the end, which was really a bit of a litdown.
Hope this helps and doesn't just seem like crazy-person ramblings

Keep writing!
--Rylee

What? What? Your dreams and hopes sweep aside your great desires?

no, i'm sorry, i can't understand the logic or flow in this.

i /am/ impressed that you've managed to bring regular images in between the philosophical musings. that's a really powerful tool, and when you master it you'll be able to give us images to anchor us while we ponder the great questions you ask, but you need to clear up both aspects.

you need to improve the images by making them stronger and more unique. there is ONE plot of sand on which this person is standing; specific butterflies she's seeing. give them life in colors and scents and sounds and smells.

secondlly, clear up the flow of your questioning. what are your dreams doing? leaving you? or imposing on your rest time? being burdens as you climb up with them? i get all of these declarations at once, and although your dreams might seem like all of these at different times, you need to pick one to focus on in the space of a poem as small as this. what are your dreams doing at this one point in time, and keep them with that action.

do your best! write more! keep working.
good luck and let me know if you have any questions.

Hey there birdsfly! Here to review. :]

Well, I'm rather picky when it comes to rhyming poems. They are either done perfectly, or they are not, and the latter group makes up about 97.6% of all written rhyming poetry (granted, that statistic was made up on the spot, but no matter!). But in any case, this poem is in definite need of some tweaking.

First, it's important to remember that you do not have to end each line with some form of punctuation; actually, it can make the lines too short and jolting and uncomfortable to read. Instead, make sure that they exist only where they need to, so as not to disrupt the rhyme of the piece.

I would also make sure that your syllables aren't too off, as they are in the line "As dainty as a butterfly," among others. Again, they just throw you off from the story of the poem and make it difficult to read or recite.

This has potential, but be sure to clean it up and keep the rhythm en pointe.

And of course, welcome to YWS!

Keep writing, and best wishes! xx

Hey Birds! I'm going to give you a quick poetry review, that I hope you find helpful. This review will be stanza by stanza, then I'll briefly comment on voice, idea, and word choice. I normally do critiques based on the five conventions, but I'm going to try out a new method, so wish me luck!

Salty wet sand,
Melts between my toes,
Whilst far across the land,
My dreams and hopes impose.

This stanza is a nice setup. It's really well written, and I don't have much else I can say about it.

Fluttering from tree to tree,
They flicker across the sky.
Sparkling in the dazzling night,
As dainty as a butterfly.

I like this stanza up until the last line, it seems a bit cliched to me. While cliches can be effective, I feel like you could use a better line in it's place. Butterflies, flowers, and glass are all commonly used to describe something dainty, so if you came up with some knew or unique description, it'd really stand out.

Daring to impress,
They fly up into the sky.
Wishing only to express,
My great desires swept aside.

This stanza is very strong. The only thing I can point out is the last two lines. Are they meant to be read together? If so, I think it'd be more readable if it was phrased differently. In sentence form, this would read, 'They fly up into the sky, wishing to express my great desires swept aside.' In this case, you can see that 'swept aside' seems a little out of place.

Picture-perfect dreams,
Waving down to laugh at me.
Oh, how sad it seems,
My faith floats out to sea.

This stanza is killer! I love the last line, it was VERY effective. The alliteration with faith and floats, and the metaphor go great together. I love how the perfection of the dreams seems so pessimistic to the narrator! They seem like an unreachable goal to him. Great job!

Far back down in time,
Dreams slow to a crawl.
For, the higher and higher I climb,
The farther and farther I will fall.

You have a strong voice, but avoid using cliches. The only one I caught was the one about butterflies. While it is powerful symbolism, since butterflies represent psyche, using the butterfly to describe something as 'dainty' is a little overdone.

Your word choice is also great. I can't really extrapolate there.

Your idea is amazing! This poem is unique in that it is about dreams, but it is pessimistic. You did a great job making the poem read like a dream. I especially loved the line, 'My faith floats out to sea.' That was freaking awesome!

You're a talented poet, I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work!

You did really good with this, and the theme was pretty consistent with the beach. Maybe its just me, but I didn't see as much of a connection to dreaming as there could have been. For some strange reason this reminded me of one of Edgar Allan Poe's poems that I think is called Annabel Lee. I don't know why. But anyways, the ending was a little confusing out first, but again it is really good. ~:P

Hi

First of all, I've never reviewed a poem before, so I hope this turns up good :3

I really loved it. The way you use words, it makes me feel like I was there, it makes me feel like we're sharing the same dream.. And yet it's not a dream at all, but a thought of the world and life. I don't know if it is in your eyes, but in mine it seems so This poem of yours makes me think.. I must say I'm not quite sure yet what it is that I feel the need to think of.. But I have this feeling of something happening, me being a part of it and having to appreciate my own ideas and dreams and do the right thing.

Perhaps I should stop now, as I'm not quite sure what am I actually writing anymore, hah. All in all, I think you did a very good job here. I don't know much about poetry, as I was never able to write it, but I do know about dreams and desires and all that you mention - and I know that the feeling it gives me is a welcomed one (or a few)

Kind regards,
Aria

Hi, birdsfly97! I'm Euph, and I'm here to welcome you aboard to the Young Writers Society family, as well as review this enchanting poem of yours!
Let me start off by saying that the imagery was clear set, and the vivid words that you chose to describe this poem set nice pictures in the reader's mind, and allowed their attention to be fully indebted to you. Nicely done, darling!
I have no complaints, what so ever! The flow to this poem is truly grand! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

Hey there...
Wowwwww!!! It's lovely!! Very captivating and catchy... Realism was dripping and drenched the reader... Brilliant poem!!
Harshita

I might say I've never seen such soulful poem, you are literally making dreams into a form. Making them a part of you and you are portraying it here. I love everything about this poem, the way you make the setting, it makes me feel like I'm actually living every second of every sentence I read. All I can say is keep writing

I love it, the salty wet sand? beautiful. other things I loved about it

1. the last paragraph, the further i will fall? awesome I love your words.

2. my faith floats out to sea, is gorguoes
3. it was poetic and beautiful I loved it.

4.it made me feel like I was there.

5. It felt real, it was a great description, and it was awesome.

Great job, i'll give it a .....................................................................10/10 best reveiw I EVER WROTE

Hello!

This was quite lovely, actually - it had some simple images but they were very effective. I've for the last two lines in mind here. I think they work very well.

As nitpicks go, do be careful with your rhyme scheme (stanza two doesn't fall into the nice little ABAB flow you've got going on).

Now that I mention it, though, I have to ask whether this rigid structure is working. Perhaps if you write about dreams in another poem it might be more exciting to have a free verse poem, to explore your emotions in a freer context - your 4-line ABAB form is nice, but it feels as though it's building up to something, and then just sort of falters away into a nice anti-climax.

I'm not sure on this, but I definitely feel as though this is too mellow and calm for a dream, especially when one of your pivotal metaphors, in the last verse, is about the ups and downs in dreams. Can that idea find its way into some dramatic language, or emphatic symbols or something?

But do keep on! Some cheerful images here, and they shouldn't be abandoned. Just some thoughts.

Best of luck,
-Mark

Hi! birdsfly97..

Welcome to YWS..

The flow of your piece is continuous and the topic is nice. Describing how high our dreams or desires are. That they are so rare and we value it so much. But when you are lacking of faith in achieving it, it seems like fading. However, if it is for the good of everyone continue to make the dream real..

Keep going..
Have faith..

ll
U