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142,229 Literary Works • 677,054 Reviews
Hey Birds!
I find it hard to believe this poem has gone without another review for this long! You don't see tons of historical fiction on here, and definitely that many historical fiction poems. That in itself is pretty sweet, I think.
Bare with me, my poem reviewing experience isn't the greatest, but I'm going to do my best for you.
I agree with murtuza. The rhyme scheme is a bit off, but I'm not going to focus on that.
Soldiers are hardened individuals. 'Gasping in pity' doesn't really seem to be something a soldier would do. Civilians or... a two syllable word for civilians that I can't think of right now... can easily be seen gasping in pity.
Really, that's the one nitpick I've got for you.
This really isn't the best review. Could I, perhaps, challenge you to give us more hints as to what this poem means? I'm trying to think of a battle that this poem emulates. The Battle of Britain, perhaps?
The other thing I would appreciate, and I understand this is probably a bit hard, but who is the voice here? I feel like that's very important in any literature. Is it a civilian, a soldier, a child? Knowing who the voice is changes the impact. If it's a civilian, there is a sense of injustice because they didn't sign up for death. And there's a different feeling for each kind of character. Who exactly is this I?
As it is, what wonderful imagery you have. I find it breath taking, truly, and very, very sad.
Any questions, just PM me or hit up my wall.
If you ever need another review, I have a WRFF thread.
Megsug
Hey Birds
First Impressions
This is a lovely piece you've got here. I appreciate the way you've framed each line in each stanza perfectly and appropriately in its respective rhyme scheme and stuck to it until the very end. You've provided an abundance of atmosphere and scenes that depict a war-ravaged place and the consequences of war and bloodshed. A few lines in particular are also quite epic to read.
Critique
A few uncertainties here and there hinder this poem. Firstly, syllable count. Make sure each line you write corresponds to its rhyming counterpart in the same number of syllables. That way, not only will the poem flow more easily, it'll give you that tune and rhythm that blend effortlessly well together.
Some lines seem out of place. And some seem forced. For example, the line in the first stanza - '...As blood glistens with the moon,' sounded like you needed a reason to rhyme with the first line and so you just put in 'moon' there. In doing this, you've greatly increased syllable count and have thus set the rhyming-scheme off. Be careful because when rhyme is concerned, don't take the first or second word that comes at the top of your head. Think for a while and let the line come on its own. Had you thought about that line a little more, it could have sounded more smooth and polished. Perhaps 'Blood outshines the moon' (just a suggestion).
Another thing I found was that when some lines were shorter in the stanza, the stanza felt unfinished. Take the fourth stanza for example. The first and second line could well have been one. After I read the last line of the stanza, I feel like it needs another line to complete it. Work on that area and you'll greatly improve flow.
Conclusion
It's a fine piece and one that could do with a little bit of re-visiting. I am a very big fan of rhyming poems and you've done a good job with this. Please write more and you'll be one formidable rhyme-master! Keep the ink flowing!
-Murtuza
I like it, but I find to be the rhythm yo abrupt for the language you are using. I think playing around with form, might help you express your ideas a little more clearly.
O.O This is awesome! It kind of scared me, but hey, that's horror for you! It paints a picture in your mind of the dead people and the scene, which is awesome! I don't have any flaws to put down, I didn't see any!
Awesome job!