You sit in your bedroom. Your parents were out on datenight, the first one in years.
You were watching an eerie movie called Carrie. It was based of a book that you liked much better than the actual movie. Written by Stephen King, of course. Almost everything horror was written by him. You frown at the screen, the movie had started to get odd and upsetting. You pause the movie and open your laptop. You check all the sites you usually checked, and frown. Bored. Usually you and your father would watch stupid reruns for reality TVs.
While playing a stupid online game, something caught your attention at the window. You pause the game, to not lose your progres, and check out the window. You see a short, pudgy man sitting in your tree. He was dressed as if he was going to a very important event. He had a rose in his right chest pocket. He wore a monacle over his amber eyes and his dark hair was slicked back, and it looked greasy shining off the light of your overhead light in your room. He was smiling and reading a copy of the Bible. He looked up, his blank gauzy eyes staring straight at you. You start to frwak out and you instantly shut the curtains. You assure yourself that you were just seeing things. You gain the courage to lift the curtains back up. You slowly grab the curtain tightly, like it`ll save your life somehow, and pulled it up. The short man was no longer there. You sigh in releif. You begin laughing at yourself. You thought it was funny.
As you laugh to yourself, absently staring outside, you get a warm feeling on your back. It felt almost like a hand, grazing over your back, tracing your spinal cord. Reflex kicks in and you spin around to see something that looked like a bad drawing of the pudgy religious man. His eyes were hollow sockets, dark fluid leaking out of them,. He didn;t have a nose. His mouth was gaping, showing a dark empty slot, where teeth shouldve been. His suit, well you didn`t quite catch what his suit looked like. You tried backing up, but just rammed into the window ciel. You let out a shrill scream, and he laughs. The laugh sounds like shattering glass. He places his smooth hand onto your throat. You feel the life being sucked out of you. As a last glimmer of hope that your not going to die sparks, you see as the man is draining you, his features changed. His hair changed to your color, his eyes the same. Just before you take your final breath, he stands over you. You stand over you. He is an exact replica of you. He`s changed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya bird, here to review your piece!
I think the style you've written in does a great job is drawing the reader in and making them want to read on and on, which is great. The general idea was interesting to read, when I think of doppelganger's, I can't help but think of 'how I met your mother', the tv show. But this seems far more fantastical than that.
My suggestions would be, I think the use of short sentences did move the piece along quickly, but I'm not sure if that's always what you want. Maybe break that up with some longer sentences, it would just change the pace a bit more and make it more interesting to read. So I'm not saying make ALL the sentences longer, but just pick and choose a few sentences to merge together, just for some variation.
Another thing is, I'd like some more descriptions and imagery. Especially of this religious man? He seems to be a key thing which you could really describe more. From physical appearance to stance, I think there needs to be more because, even though this is a short story, it falls a bit flat without descriptions.
Overall, I thought this was really interesting to read! I really enjoyed your style of writing. To improve I say just some more descriptions, and vary your sentence lengths a bit. I hope this review helped, as always feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hey!! Silver here to review your piece today!!
I'll start off by saying that I found this very interesting! You totally held my attention the entire way through and kept me on the edge of my seat.
There are some nit picks though:
First of all the main problem with this piece is that you keep switching between present and past tense. Fro example:
while playing is in present tense while caught is in past tense. This really disrupts the flow of your story and is really distracting while reading. I think that for a story as fast paced as yours sticking to present tense would work much better. For example:
It just flows a lot better. Though I know how hard it is to keep track of tenses, sometimes it just gets confusing. However I should point out that the problem runs throughout the text and not just in the example I showed.
Here I think the sentences could have been merged together, two short sentences in a row can disrupt flow as well. EG:
Lastly I felt that with your last few lines:
I feel here that the order could be changed to make it slightly more climatic. EG:
Do you see what I mean? "He's changed" isn't what's going to leave the audience hanging, rather the fact the it's now you standing over yourself.
Apart from that I really liked this story. It was very creepy and mysterious and I very much enjoyed reading it.
Silverlock
omg Thank you! Thanks for you points, and I'll take note.
No worries!