z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Flower Queen

by birdie1908xo


Run through the fields,

Pass your hands through the daisies,

Feel the freedom that nature brings,

Those thoughts, it’s better not to face them,

You were loved so much,

Such a beautiful soul,

Who didn’t deserve any of this,

No matter how you felt inside,

Your were always there for me,

Now you’re gone, I hope you can be free,

Of the thoughts in your mind that consumed you so painfully,

It’s frightful what the mind can do to us all,

It can push us away or further towards our fall,

The only thing you should fear it fear itself,

Confide in your darkness,

And let people understand so they can help,

I’m sorry for ending us so abruptly,

But I hope that you can see how much you meant to me,

That last moment we spoke,

Is a memory that makes my heart choke,

A love so pure and innocent,

Ended on a simple misjudgement,

I know that you wanted to do the best for me,

So here I stand,

Speaking out to your family,

I hope that you can be free from it all above,

Spread your wings out and fly with the white doves,

Maybe they never knew you in the same way that I did,

But if there’s one thing I want them to understand,

Then it’s this,

Value everything that’s around you,

Never take what the closest speak for truth,

You never know what they could be battling inside,

To be beside you might be the only thing that can help them to smile,

Love is a force from afar,

A feeling that could never cease,

Even if you you lay above me on a star,

So I take this moment to say goodbye, 


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User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 137
Reviews: 7

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Wed Jul 14, 2021 12:12 pm
sakeofvanity05 wrote a review...



~ vanity here with a review!

I enjoyed the short, endearing piece - although the poem could use with a little more rhythm to it, since its natural flow and design is a little scattered. For improvement, try working on the tempo of your poetry (taking syllables into consideration). In addition, it seemed the majority of your composition was quite literal; I think employing more metaphors and incorporating subtext would help elevate your poetry writing.

You were loved so much,

Such a beautiful soul,


^ while these lines are fine, I would say it'd be more concise to mesh them together and rework into something like:
"A much-loved soul of endless beauty."

There was also a portion that felt like the narrator's voice became detached from the scene to directly address us, referring to a general external audience about a message that can otherwise be conveyed whilst retaining a consistent perspective rather than switching to a more omniscient story-telling voice independent from the current situation of the grieving individual. The lines I am referring to are:

But if there’s one thing I want them to understand,

Then it’s this,

Value everything that’s around you,

Never take what the closest speak for truth,

You never know what they could be battling inside,
.

Lastly, the ending segment seems a bit unrefined in terms of transitioning. It goes from one idea/point without blending the next too well. I would suggest an edit like:

"Like a force felt from afar,

Love is an undying star

For me to peer at in the sky

And fare you well with a goodbye."

^ by all means, you can alter that section with the re-written version above, word-for-word even, if you want! but if you want to keep it or change it while taking some ideas I've put up, it's up to you.

I think overall, consistency and tempo pacing are key elements of revision.
But it was an enjoyable (and reflective) read nonetheless!

~ I hope this review helped someway!




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36 Reviews


Points: 171
Reviews: 36

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Sun Jul 11, 2021 9:49 pm
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JohnKlue wrote a review...



A beautiful Goodbye.

I can hear this being recited at a funeral, But this is not coming from the Priest or the family or the Partner of the deceased. This seems to radiate Platonic love.
The flowers on a grave are something usually unnoticed, People just see death mourning they do not see the love that is left with them.
"Run through the fields,
Pass your hands through the daisies,
Feel the freedom that nature brings" this part really took me back to when I was really young and it made me look at that memory in a different way. Perhaps that was your goal all along.
This poem seems to have a lot of references to depression or rather knowing someone who is depressed.
This poem is basically saying "You did not always feel loved but you were loved"
This poem also said "The only thing you should fear IT fear itself" This is probably a typo and you can easily edit it.

Honestly this poem made me feel something I have not felt in a long time,
It made me feel like i was outside(Desert Climate) I was outside in springtime and I am young.

You did great keep up the inspiring work.




birdie1908xo says...


Thank you for your review! :)



JohnKlue says...


Thank you for your work.




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