~ vanity here with a review!
I enjoyed the short, endearing piece - although the poem could use with a little more rhythm to it, since its natural flow and design is a little scattered. For improvement, try working on the tempo of your poetry (taking syllables into consideration). In addition, it seemed the majority of your composition was quite literal; I think employing more metaphors and incorporating subtext would help elevate your poetry writing.
You were loved so much,
Such a beautiful soul,
^ while these lines are fine, I would say it'd be more concise to mesh them together and rework into something like:
"A much-loved soul of endless beauty."
There was also a portion that felt like the narrator's voice became detached from the scene to directly address us, referring to a general external audience about a message that can otherwise be conveyed whilst retaining a consistent perspective rather than switching to a more omniscient story-telling voice independent from the current situation of the grieving individual. The lines I am referring to are:
.But if there’s one thing I want them to understand,
Then it’s this,
Value everything that’s around you,
Never take what the closest speak for truth,
You never know what they could be battling inside,
Lastly, the ending segment seems a bit unrefined in terms of transitioning. It goes from one idea/point without blending the next too well. I would suggest an edit like:
"Like a force felt from afar,
Love is an undying star
For me to peer at in the sky
And fare you well with a goodbye."
^ by all means, you can alter that section with the re-written version above, word-for-word even, if you want! but if you want to keep it or change it while taking some ideas I've put up, it's up to you.
I think overall, consistency and tempo pacing are key elements of revision.
But it was an enjoyable (and reflective) read nonetheless!
~ I hope this review helped someway!
Points: 137
Reviews: 7
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