Published June 15, 2010
come.
close your eyes and take my hand.
our feet whisper through dampened grass,
i promise i’ll keep you near,
because i’d never want to lose you.
our steps match perfectly.
fill your eyes with open sky.
i’ve looked at these stars a million times,
but never with you.
these same lights that might have flickered into darkness
years and years ago.
we make wishes,
knowing that if we stare long enough
we’ll feel that imagined inky pull.
i’ll take you to the places that mean the most to me,
places where i don’t have to touch you to know that you’re there.
can you feel it, too?
i ask a lot of questions,
but i never get tired of hearing your answers.
sometimes the words don’t matter as much as the spaces left in between.
we’ll fill in the blanks with the dissonance of our laughter,
the sound of our rising souls.
you’re the meaning behind the words
of all my favorite songs.
and as the stars blink into nothing,
i think to myself:
we will last.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Thanks for your review.
What parts of it seem cliche to you, nayex?
my favorite of the entire poem.
Most of it sounded a bit cliche though, but you have potential!
Young love is pretty damn close. It's about a former best friend, but, yeah, it's almost exactly the same emotionas young love. The kind of naive snapshot quality, you know?
Thanks for you comments
I absolutely love the first part of this poem, it really sets up the mood and imagery quite nicely. The reader can easily get swept up in many feel-good emotions and memories. From what I gander, this is about 'young love,' but that's just me. Especially with the ending line. I think of late night get-aways with that special someone, clandestine meetings and all that wonderfulness.
Thanks
I actually wanted to keep it all lowercase because it conveys the feeling of youth.
And I'll read it over and take a look at those lines and see if I can find some other way to work them that makes them shorter but keeps the overall feeling intact.
Thanks again.
Hi, I really liked this. The imagery was good; and it's one of those poems that make me happy from reading it.
Like this one.The only thing that needs to be fixed about it is that you need to capitalize the "I"s and the letters at the beginning of sentences. Also, some lines could be shorter, to be the same length as the rest of it.
And these two.
And those.