It was dark outside as it was inside his heart.His hopes to get her become invisible in that darkness.He cried that whole night when he came out of the world of imagination to reality.He loved her since his schooldays.There was not a single day in which he did not think of her but the fortune was not in boy's favour as that girl love someone else.She ignored that boy for the person whom she loved.Her ignorance was poking his heart.His mind were suggesting him to let her go but his heart were unwilling to accept it. There was not a single flame of light in that wild darkness for that boy.The only thing that left with him was his dream of being with her,memory of her cute smile and her care for him
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This story was extremely moving. Not only do I feel the feelings of this depressed boy, but I could also imagine the pain and sorrow he must have struggled with. This was a very inspiring piece, I might gather some idea fro this piece in my future writing and create a original. I adored the emotion you put in it, and the taste of reality was what made it work from he beginning. Please continue writing his short story, I enjoyed it.
Though the general idea’s nice and I liked how you portrayed his feelings, I was still not satisfied as your reader. First of all, this is too short to be considered as a short story. In order to improve, you can set the scene (e.g. in a bedroom, in a park etc.), add more details (e.g. tell us about his surroundings and how it has an impact on him), bring in some flash backs, and basically *show* us the relationship they shared and how it changed.
Secondly, in order to make your story stand out from the others on this site, you need to work on it more. You need to use metaphors and other literary devices to engage us into it. There’s little character development. We know nothing about him, his appearance, or even his name! This means that it’s difficult for us to picture him and his life in our minds.
Overall, good effort! Your story just needs a bit more attention.
Well done, and keep writing!
So first off this is not really a story its more of a collection of thoughts, it changes from present, to that day, to the schools days. It is also very very vague with little plot and no character development. We have all heard this story before, what we need from you is to put your twist on this story otherwise its not worth reading something we have heard again again. What makes people want to read love stories is the fact that they take place amidst different circumstance, settings and times. In this case you haven't given us an idea of where or when these two people are. My best advice for you would be to develop a real story, give your characters traits, make them into people. The base of it can still be this idea but give this skeleton skin, and organs, and all the things that make a story a story. I believe that you have something you want to say about longing after someone who doesn't see you the same way so say it give it a place and people that are involved and a plot. Make this a story that says something new. I will be looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
--Hanna