Published January 19, 2009
We had been laying on my bed in silence for 10 or 15 minutes. I could feel the mattress moving slightly with his breaths. I watched his chest rise and fall as he stared up at the ceiling. Thousands of butterflies rushed through me. There was no denying it; I was completely in love with my best friend Christopher, and I had been for a while. I often wondered if he felt the same way as me, if he laid in bed every night thinking about my smile the way I did for him.
I had so many reasons to love him. He knew everything about me, good and bad, but he never judged me. He actually understood. He was always there for me, always a shoulder to cry on. I felt safe and loved with him. He was so cute too, with his moppish blonde hair, blue eyes, warm smile, and a tall, muscular body.
I rolled onto my side to face him. He was so beautiful it made me want to cry. I took a deep breath. "Christopher?" He turned to face me.
"Yeah?"
"I've been wanting to tell you that I ..." It was harder than I thought it would be. I took one more deep breath. "I love you". I had done it. I felt so vulnerable, like all I could do was wait for his response that would either make or break me. An eternity passed.
"I love you too, Emmie" he said in his charismatic voice. A few seconds went by before he added on "and I mean that".
((This is something I would like to continue as a novel. ))
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,341 Reviews
Hello! Hopefully I am of some help to you today =]
Red are the words you need to add or words that I corrected
Bold are my comments and concerns.
[s]strikethrough[/s] is what it is.
[b]Bold and Italics are my examples of things
~ ~ ~ ~
We had been laying on my bed in silence for [s]10[/s] ten or [s]15[/s] fifteen minutes. I could feel the mattress moving slightly with his breaths. I watched his chest rise and fall as he stared up at the ceiling. Thousands of butterflies rushed through me. There was no denying it; I was completely in love with my best friend comma Christopher, and I had been for a while. I often wondered if he felt the same way as me, if he laid in bed every night thinking about my smile the way I did for him.
All right, this is a good start but I feel like you are just going through the motions of a typical love story. Really break free of that overly used mold and make this your own masterpiece
I had so many reasons to love him. He knew everything about me, good and bad, but he never judged me. He actually understood. [s]He was always there for me[/s] This last part isn't needed because the reader can tell as much from this next part., always a shoulder to cry on. I felt safe and loved with him. He was so cute too, with his moppish blonde hair, blue eyes, warm smile, and a tall, muscular body.
Again, you are falling into this mold. Don't make it so Chris is perfect. Doesn't he have flaws?
I rolled onto my side to face him. He was so beautiful it made me want to cry. I took a deep breath. "Christopher?" He turned to face me.
"Yeah?"
"I've been wanting to tell you that I ..." It was harder than I thought it would be. I took one more deep breath. "I love you". I had done it. I felt so vulnerable, like all I could do was wait for his response that would either make or break me. I would start a new paragraph here An eternity passed.
"I love you too, Emmie" he said in his charismatic voice. A few seconds went by before he added on "and I mean that".
Okay, yes, this is a perfect ending, but again, don't make is so cliche.
~ ~ ~ ~
OVERVIEW:
This was good, but very very cliche, as I mentioned above. I want more drama, more uniqueness in this. I want to see you as a writer shine through this, you know? Make it your own!
Other than that, you need more description. Like, what are their facial expressions, what does the room look like, is it dark or light outside? Stuff like that really helps readers to create a mental image.
I think you have potential. Just tweak this a bit to make it your own and you'll do fine =]
If you have any further quesions, let me know.
Where is the conflict?? It's pretty obvious from the begining nothing is wrong, everything will be just fine and dandy...and it is. I don't see how this is an introduction to a story. We learn little about the characters, setting or plot. Quite frankly, I really hate to use this word, but it's cliched. With an accent on the e! It just seems lifeless and like we've heard it all before. More description, more ugliness, more reality and more surprises are needed.
Well, I'd say you could definitely make this a longer story. At this point, the section you have now could either be the beginning or ending of a story. If it was the ending, it might be a little more obvious. If it were the beginning, you have to introduce conflict. It could be that she's bursting with happiness, until he suddenly follows it up with "yeah, you're just like a sister to me." But I'm sure you can come up with something!
Good luck!
^_^ Can I help too~
Did she think about his smile FOR him? I mean, the way you've put it it seems like that's what you're saying, that her thinking about HIS smile was an act done for him instead of her own volition. Maybe rework like this?;
I often wondered if he felt the as [b]I[b] {the same way as I /did/, so use I}, if he lay in bed every night thinking about my smile the way I thought about his.
This might just be me, but this seems like a horribly cliched line. /What/ did he understand? Should answer that question as well, if you keep the sentence. ^_^
I thought the use of this short sentence was absolutely flawless. Of course she'd be breathlessly waiting for what he'd respond, and when you're breathless, long-winded sentences aren't exactly an option. ^_^ Good job.
I agree with the dispute about using the word 'charismatic' and also you should take out 'on' and put in a comma instead, then move the period to inside the quotation marks.
All in all, this is a lovely piece, and a surprising response that makes me wonder what came before and what will come after. Keep at it! ^_^
Hey, Bianca Fanatic (sorry, I have the need to grammatically correct everyone's user names.)
I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^
Always spell out numbers when writing.
Must everyone in a romance look perfect? Make him look average. Mention his flaws. If she is truly in love with him, she will love him for his imperfections.
Charismatically is like how a politician would talk. This is an intimate moment. Wouldn't he whisper sensuously or something like that?
Also, add a comma after "on"
This was good. Very good. The one thing I thought was weird was:
-They are sleeping in the same bed. Seems pretty romantic/already together to me.
Hope this helped,
Sakura