Published April 7, 2010
Underneath my pretty face,
lives a monster,
Underneath my fake smile,
lives a liar,
Underneath those pretty nails,
are claws begging to rip through,
You say you know me,
But do you?
Do you really know this creature?
That should be hidden forever from humanity,
Because that's really me.
So one day maybe I'll take off my mask and stop smiling.
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141,421 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey there! I'll review you
So... First off, I have to say that I really liked what you've done here because I can relate, and that's what you want your reader to do. So PROPS to that.
Criticism:
Commas are put in unnecessary places. I'll show you them below. All you really need to do is take them out, unless something else needs to be provided.
Next thing! There were a couple of lines that I LOVED and others that were just a little... under average. It was mainly just the flow, the way I read things jacked it up. So here:
That's pretty much it! I hope I helped to make your piece just a tad better, and I'd like a PM when you edit it so I can see how AMAZING it is!
Love,
Fixed
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
I think this is a powerful piece and I love your contrasting images. I especially love;
"Underneath those pretty nails,
are claws begging to rip through."
The last line works very well.
I'd just make some little changes to the punctuation. I'd put a full-stop instead of a comma after "through", and take away the question mark after "creature" and put it after "humanity" instead.
Hope this helps.
Jas