Darcy was wandering around in the hallways of her school, - pretending to be searching for her English teacher- trying to prevent spending her free lecture, getting bored, in the library. She roamed around aimlessly, twirling a strand of her hair from her high ponytail and the other hand fidgeting with the end of the sleeves of her jacket, worn over her dress. She wasn’t nervous about getting caught by any teacher because she had a good excuse for it, she was more than nervous for if she bumps into a ‘certain him’. As she roamed around in the hallways, peeping into classes and making the students laugh, she was silently observing her surroundings, trying to avoid bumping into him because the chances for it to happen were very high as she could only be so sure of him having a free lecture at the moment too and come on, jocks don’t sit around in the library and do nothing. Slowly and steadily, she zoned out, still walking but not paying attention to the chattering around her, he had captured her mind. His eyes reminded her of the oceans, so blue that you could say he had the water captured behind them. His straight, brown, spiked up hair, looked so smooth to her that she couldn’t resist the urge to run her fingers through them. His body, so well-built that it took her breath away, slightly, every time she saw him play soccer. His lips, so pink and plump that she could kiss them all day long. His nose, long and thin, crinkled every time he threw his head back while laughing and those prominent dimples couldn’t have gone unnoticed by Darcy’s eyes. His walk was so mesmerizing, every stride had proud and self-esteem, and confidence. Last but not the least, the very thing that Darcy was crazy about was his British accent. Yes, all the guys had the same accent but there was something different about when he called her name.
As
she reached the ninth floor, or the seniors’ floor, her breath
picked up and her heart was racing faster than ever. She saw him
standing a bit farther away, in front of her. His hand on his hips,
while the other in his hair, he turned around before Darcy had the
chance to take off and took long strides towards her. Except the both
of them, the whole school knew about the mutual feelings they had for
one another. He took in her appearance, a white sundress paired with
a short black leather jacket and black, flat, ankle length boots and
her hair braided sideways. This wasn’t a very new sight, Darcy
was known as the fashion queen in the school. Her outfit generally
described her, sweet and shy. He nodded at her and greeted her,
’Darcy’ he said while nodding. She gave him the same
greeting, trying to hide her emotions, ‘Cody’ she said,
while nodding too. They both stood there awkwardly, saying nothing,
just looking at each other. His hands stuffed deep into his pockets
while her hands were wrapped around her torso. ‘Want to get
away?’ he asked, surprising himself and Darcy. ‘Why would
I want to go anywhere with you?’ she asked taken aback by her
boldness while he looked impressed, she knew there was something
about him that bought out her hidden self. ‘Maybe because you
and I could get caught and sent into detention?’ he replied
curtly, ‘If I don’t want to get caught, I’ll just
go and sit in the library, wouldn’t I now?’ she replied
smartly but he was smarter than her. He said ‘if you wanted to,
you would’ve been sitting there’ and smirked and she knew
she had lost the argument. Darcy Imogen Danker had lost an argument
to Cody Williams. ‘Where is your car?’ she asked and
followed him out.
‘I knew I shouldn’t have agreed
to your stupid idea.’ Hollered Darcy to Cody. ‘What?
You’re saying as if this is my fault. How is the storm my
fault?’ defended Cody. ‘Fine’ huffed Darcy and sat
back in her seat. ‘If we want to get through this storm, stuck
in this car with each other, then we might as well try to get along’
said Cody, no matter how inviting that sounded to Darcy, she knew she
couldn’t, or well more like she shouldn’t. She had the
capabilities to destroy him and others. She was like this Grenade,
when she bursts, she will destroy everyone and everything around her.
Even though she knew she couldn’t, she also knew that she had
no other option. They started playing 20 questions and got to know a
lot about each other. From their favorite color to favorite clothing
brands to just everything. Cody asked Darcy ‘have you ever had
a boyfriend before?’ And she visibly tensed up, tears brimmed
her eyes as she thought about Mark, the only guy she had ever dated.
The only guy that could make her feel wanted, pretty and beautiful
and just everything. Cody could see her eyes filling up with tears
and he, suddenly, was feeling guilty. ‘Hey, what’s wrong?
Did I ask something that I wasn’t supposed to?’ he asked,
concern dripping from his voice and care shining bright in his eyes.
‘Nothing. Nothing at all’ said Darcy chuckling, ‘what
do you fear?’ asked Cody, ‘not being perfect’ she
said and continued ‘not being the ideal person they want me to
be. The fear of not being pretty or beautiful like those perfect
girls out there. It fears me that I cannot achieve perfection.’
He stared at her in shock, he never thought of her suffering through
something so irrational. ‘Perfection is an illusion, you know?
Everybody wants it, when in reality there is no such thing as
perfection. There’s so much more in a person than being
perfect. Like when I see you, I don’t look at you to see if
you’re pretty or beautiful or hot. I look at you to see if
you’re funny and intelligent and smart, or have a great
personality in all, or not. No matter how much you chase perfection,
you can’t achieve it because there’s no such thing as
being perfect’ and that was all it took for Darcy to hug him
tightly. Nobody had ever said that to her but Cody, here, did. ‘Mark
was his name’ said Darcy looking at a confused Cody, ‘my
ex-boyfriend? Mark’ she filled him in and he asked her ‘Mark
Watson?’ she hummed in agreement and Cody looked at her in
shock ‘why would you go out with a douchebag like him?’
he asked and Darcy said ‘he made me feel. He reminded me of my
beauty and that I’m worth it. He held me so close, no one had
ever done that’ and with that she looked away, ashamed of her
confession. Cody let out a sigh and held her chin, turning her head,
gently, to face him and he said ‘you don’t need him to
remind him of your beauty. Everyone around you can see how beautiful
you are. It isn’t something that you need to be reminded of,
it’s something that you should know. Something that you feel as
soon as you wake up in the morning. Darcy, to yourself, you’re
just a piece of art but to me, and so many others, you’re a
masterpiece’, she didn’t know what to do, she was
hysterically crying at this point and so Cody held her, he held her
close to him, so close that nobody, not even Mark had, she felt safe
there, right there in Cody Williams’ arms. She felt oddly at
home and safe. That was the moment she knew that she was undeniably
in love with Cody Williams.
Much
to her dismay, she wiggled out of his muscular arms and asked him
‘what is it that you fear?’, he was hesitant but gave in,
‘I hate oblivion and being judged’ he said, then closed
his eyes, took a deep breath and started, ‘it isn’t one
of those once upon a time kind of stories, it isn’t like your
normal stories, it’s something that has being going on since I
was born and even after knowing how to stop it, I couldn’t and
still can’t. Maybe it’s that I am weak but the only thing
I know is I could never fight it. As all of us know, I am the son of
the well-known business man, Henry Williams. My father owns a lot of
companies and is sickeningly rich. So naturally, when I was born,
people started deciding my future. Some said that I’ll run the
family business where some said I’ll become an obnoxious brat
and use my father’s money to ‘fulfill my requirements and
pleasures’. As I grew up, I had people behind my back,
continuously pestering me on how to talk, walk, eat, speak, and
behave, and what not. It was suffocating. My dad had my entire life
planned out, he was so sure that I will take over the family business
and run the companies that he never saw my passion and interest in
soccer. As time passed, I learnt it the hard way that I have to stand
up for myself or they’ll crush me. Every single Christmas I was
alone with some servants at home while my parents were at some
meeting. That’s why I fear oblivion. Being left alone for most
of my childhood isn’t a great thing to look back at, and well
everybody hates being judged’, while saying all of this, he
looked outside his window, not even once did he turn his gaze to look
at Darcy. Here, Darcy was sitting shocked and touched by his story.
She expected him to have the perfect life but turns out the figures
were wrong, very wrong. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know’
was all she could muster up the courage to speak, ‘it’s
fine. Nobody does’ he said with a smile, she knew was a put
up.
It had been hours since they were stuck in Parker’s
car, it was getting darker and darker as each minute passed and made
an hour pass. Darcy was observing how the raindrops, falling on the
window, were racing their way down the window, while Cody was busy,
drowning in his own thought process. Darcy jumped from her seat into
Cody’s arms as soon as she heard a lightning strike and she
heard him chuckle, soon his chuckle was turned into a full blown
laughter and Darcy was hiding her embarrassed face, burying herself
in his chest. ‘Aw is ickle Darcy scared of the thunder?’
he said while laughing which resulted in him earning a smack from
Darcy, followed by her muttering ‘don’t make fun of me.’
They sat there, embracing each other’s company for a long
period of time, as they stared at each other, without noticing, they
were inching further, towards one another, he looked at her lips and
into her eyes as if asking for her permission and she slightly
nodded, when their lips made contact, it was like a scene taken out
from a Hollywood movie, there were firecrackers bursting around and
Darcy’s mind swirling with happiness. They broke off,
breathlessly, and looked at each other with this silly grin on their
faces. ‘I might have been waiting for years now to do this,
Darce’ said Cody, ‘well then I am so sure that our
feeling are mutual right now, Mr. jock’ and that was all it
took for Cody to kiss Darcy again. It’s like they could never
get enough of each other, no matter how hard they tried. When they,
finally, pulled away, they realized that the rain had stopped and
that they could go back home. Before starting the car, Cody turned
over to Darcy and said ‘Darcy, I have been waiting since the
freshman year to talk to you, when I saw you, I was just so intrigued
by your persona and now when, after four years, I had the chance to
talk to you and kiss you, I don’t think that I’ll be able
to live without you. It’s early for us to marry, so, Darcy
Imogen Danker, will you do the honors of being my girlfriend?’,
Darcy was stunned by this, her voice was stuck at the back of her
throat, so she just nodded her head vigorously and threw her hands
around his neck and kissed him with all she had in herself.
He
drove off from the unknown street towards Darcy’s house. His,
one hand was on the steering wheel while other was tangled with
Darcy’s hand and was placed on her thigh. They were singing off
key to all the songs that came up on the radio. This was all they had
ever asked for and more. Soon enough the car was parked in front of
Darcy’s house and she proceeded to get down but Parker caught
her arm and turned her around, and kissed her passionately. She got
down and walked towards her house, before she could enter the front
door, she turned around and said ‘I’m glad I came along,
Mr. Boyfriend’, and nothing could wipe off the silly in love
grin from either of their faces.
THE
END.
-B.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello, Flite here for a review/comment. I'm actually here just to remind you of some basic formatting that could possibly help you gain potential readers. And grammatical accuracy. It's late, and I'm typing on a tablet so excuse any spelling mistakes I make.
First off, please consider the use of paragraphs. Having massive chunks of text is a massive put-off for most people. So, please consider dividing that into shorter and more comprehensive sections. I've actually skimmed/read this story and there are a lot of places where a break would have been possible.
Secondly, every time a new character speaks. They require a new paragraph, this isn't a stylish choice but a mandatory rule. Take for example, you have Mary and John.
Mary: What a fine day!
John: Indeed!
So every time, Mary or John says something new. A new paragraph is created, however if the characters are talking about more than one thing but is still the same character. No break is needed. Those are the two main points I want to address, the formatting of this deterred from actually analyzing this in great depth. Shall you ever consider re-drafting it, and wish for me to read it. Just give me a ping.
Have a good day!
-Flite
Yes, I have noticed that in my writings, but I lag a bit in the dialogue paragraph things and am working on it so yeah..
But ThankYou
Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
I am a romance novel freak so this is totally my type of genre.Let's get to the review itself.
First if all you should have rated this correctly,which you didn't. Here is a guideline for rating on YWS
Also you need to divide the paragraph into smaller section, because your story right now seems visually unappetizing if you know what I mean.
I noticed this huge inconsistency in your writing with the verb tenses.You kept on switching from past to present.You have to fix that and either decide past or present for you whole writing.
I really liked the moral and the reply from Cody to Darcy in this statement:
This is a minor nitpick but I wanted to point this out:
He is alone talking to Darcy in the car,why does he say as all of us know?I think all is directed to a bigger audience.I think that instead he should just say "As you know".That would make it more correct in my eyes.
I found this one sentence way too long:
This looks like one sentence but it could be a whole paragraph.I showed you there how to fix it.Your last sentence was interesting. I think I liked it!I hope that this helps and I encourage you to keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
ThankYou for pointing out my mistakes and helping me become a better writer
Hey there !
I literally found myself drawn into the story here. Its like what you enjoy to happen in life but never does. I loved the way that you put detail into the structure of the story and gave us readers kind of a backing story to the characters . I haven't found any grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes , you remembered to paragraph. (Correct me if im wrong).
Hope you enjoyed the feedback
Hoping to see more of your work
-Angel^--^
I really appreciate your review and honestly, it made me feel a 100 times more confident about my work.
ThankYou So Much
Stay Blessed
-B.