**AN: This is just an excerpt of a novel I had in my head, and I wanted to see if anyone liked it.**
“Hey baby, lookin’ fine today!”
I turn around and see a guy leaning against the door of a car.
I walk faster but he calls to me, “Where are you going?”
I look over my shoulder again, flip him off, and keep walking. I know he’s walking behind me, that creep. Quick footsteps suddenly become thuds and he grabs my arm.
“What do you want? Let go of me!” I scream.
A few people turn their heads but keep walking.
“Just come with me, I won’t hurt you.” His voice is smooth, like how one would think a serial killer’s is.
“Help! Please someone help me!” I continue shouting and trying to pull away from him. I whirl around to look at him and he grabs my wrist. The first thing I can think of is to kick. I swing my foot and it connects with his shin. Serves him right.
He grimaces in pain, but his grip on my wrist tightens. Someone taps my shoulder and I jump. I turn my head and I see Bash.
“Hey sis, need any help?” He smirks at me.
“Thanks bro, but I think I can handle myself.” I turn back around. The guy flashes his off white teeth at me and starts pulling me to the car.
“You know what; I really think you should leave my sister alone.” Bash grabs my elbow and glares at him. The man looks a little surprised, but it’s not until Bash shoves him off, does he let go of me. I turn towards Bash and he pulls me down the street.
“You’re welcome.” He looks at me and lets go of my arm.
“Thanks.” I mutter, staring at the sidewalk.
“You know, sister, I’m having a party tonight and since I saved your life, you could thank me by coming.” He smirks.
“I’ll think about it.” I snap, “I’m not some girl who is mesmerized by you and will do everything you say, you know.”
He looks surprised, “I know.. I was honestly wondering if you would come.” He glances at a car, which I recognize to be his. “Do you need a ride home?”
“Um, sure.” I look up to see him staring at me.
The ride to my house was silent. No talking, no music, nothing except for an occasional direction on my part.
When we pull in front of my house I get out of the car. “Bash? Thank you. And I’ll try to make it tonight.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hm...I think it needs expanding.
You didn't show us what the guy looked like, and, more importantly, what he was doing and how he...moved. You didn't give enough atmosphere with the guy, and not enough lead-up to Bash, so when Bash shows up, we feel less excited that he's HERE and he's SAVING your protagonist.
by the way, are they actually siblings? I'm guessing you aren't, because you were VERY eager to put him in, and your protagonist immediately said that she 'wasn't' charmed(mesmerized, etc) by him...which is a clear indicator she totally is and she'll totally get together with him. I bet they're childhood friends. ARE THEY? it's just a guess.
Hm, he isn't very likable. Bash. what with the smirking and the way he seems to be mocking her even when he isn't. Maybe that's super hot though, I wouldn't know. Maybe underneath all that grit, he's got a heart of GOLD. But you have to give some reasons why your protagonist likes him. some reason. Please.
That's it for me! sorry if you thought I was rude and/or condescending. I can be like that sometimes and I don't mean to be. Kind of like Bash.
~Satira
Thank you! It was just an idea I had the other night and I wrote it down. I'm definitely planning on expanding on it and adding more. Thanks! ~Red
Not bad, but it honestly doesn't have anything special that would make the reader even remotely interested in reading any further to be honest with you. From what you wrote here, I would say that this idea has potential of expanding into something spectacular because you can pull this in so many directions in terms of genre and overall plot. Still, I think you have a good foundation to start off of and that with the right twist, this could end up being a remarkable story. Keep it up. -Icewinifredd
Thank you for your review! I am planning on adding more, I just wanted to see if it was a good start. Once again, thanks! ~Red
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help.