z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Big dreams, bigger heart.

by bernardo23


“BLUE 80, BLUE 80, HUT!!!”

As a freshman surrounded by a team consisting of mostly of seniors and juniors with the physical complexion of professional NFL players it wasn’t easy to make a contribution to the team, or so I thought. I may not have had the strength nor speed that these enormous running backs, linebackers, nor receivers had. But I did have a bigger heart than all of them, after being tackled by the sweaty, muscular 200 pound linebackers I refused to stay down. There were only a couple of other freshman’s who showed up to practice, all of them called me bezerk for running the ball when those giant linebackers were awaiting me to demolish me on the field. I had the heart of a lion, I fought till I fell. I recall this specific play in which I played as running back and my task was to run through a small, tight creek and run as if my feet were on fire. As simple as it may sounds, this play had not yet been perfected, even by the first string running backs. I was on, weighing in at 125 pounds, standing at 5’5, with the appearance of one of those poor men stranded at sea after 30 days, but with the face of a soldier ready to go to war. The benching freshman, well the very few that even attended practice stood there frozen as if they had just seen a ghost. As I held the ball in my hands, I felt the tension within me, simply awaiting the quarterbacks signal to run the play. Then in a snap I was on the run, I saw the small creek and with the explosion of adrenaline I had I bolted through it. It was an open field, I made it through what I considered the war zone, and made it to the end zone. I stayed mostly on offense, I decided to try some reciever plays. To my surprise my size was of benefit to me since I was easily able to slip away from cornerbacks and linebackers, I had what many on the team called “hands”. I loved hearing the air swoosh as I ran, I fell in love with the feeling of the ball in my hands while in mid-air. The defensive coach decided me to run plays as cornerback, which as I predicted I wasn’t very skilled at due to my size, I was able to catch up with all the receivers in fact although they were able to execute passes, they weren’t able to fulfill them. Which is something the defensive coach noticed, he placed me as a safety. Due to my impressive speed, running after my teammates and tackling them wasn’t a problem, due to my size I developed a technique to bring down these charging bulls. By this time only I and another freshman stayed on the team, we stood strong through it all. It was game day the upcoming day, we received our jersey which were to be worn the next day at school and at the field. There I stood, standing proud, wearing my jersey as if it were an olympic medal in the gleaming lights that illuminated the field. I was on, running a play, although my run was put to an end I had accumulated a 64 yard rush. The game ended at 29-13, with us winning. Although I didn’t score any touchdowns, I left the field with 92 rushing yards, 56 passing yards, 8 tackles and 1 interception. I will never forget the summer of 2012 in which I realized that no matter how small you are, you’ll always be of great contributions to everything you set your mind to.


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5 Reviews


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Tue Sep 15, 2015 1:00 am
areproc wrote a review...



This is a really good short story. You had really good imagery and made me feel like I was really there watching you at this football practice. You have good writing techniques, but I did find just a few mistakes that you can fix if you want to;

So I found a typo in the beginning of the writing. You had said "consisting of mostly of seniors" and I would just say to take the second of out after mostly.

Also I would consider changing some words around in the line "awaiting me to demolish me on the field" to just have it make a little more sense.

Try putting a semicolon after lion in the sentence "I had the heart of a lion, I fought till I fell."

You should take the s off of sounds.

All in all, this is crazy good. I love the way you describe everything, and you made it very clear how you felt. Keep on writing and doing good work. ;)




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:56 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



wearing my jersey as if it were an Olympic medal in the gleaming lights that illuminated the field.


This is a great line. I like the simile of the jersey worn as proudly as if it were an Olympic medal, and you add some nice imagery by mentioning the “gleaming lights.”

I wanted to get that out of the way first. I think it’s just as important to know what you’re doing well as it is to know what can use improvement. Plus, I think the fact that you did such a great job with that line shows that you can improve in the areas I’m about to suggest. Okay, ready? Here we go.

I have one mechanical issue I want to mention first, as problems with grammar and spelling can make reading so difficult that people might not even understand the story well enough to leave you a helpful review! You have a huge problem with run-on sentences; that is, sentences that ought to be broken up with periods or semi-colons but instead ramble on without anything but a comma to break them up. Here’s an example:

The defensive coach decided me to run plays as cornerback, which as I predicted I wasn’t very skilled at due to my size, I was able to catch up with all the receivers in fact although they were able to execute passes, they weren’t able to fulfill them.


Whew! When I read this sentence, even in my head, it makes me feel out of breath. That’s because a) it’s very long and b) it contains several smaller sentences within it. Here’s one possible way to break up this sentence so you don’t leave readers confused and panting for breath:

The defensive coach decided to have me run plays as a cornerback. I predicted I wouldn’t be a skilled cornerback due to my size, but I was able to catch up with all the receivers. Although they were able to execute passes, they weren’t able to fulfill them.


See what I mean? This is now much easier to read and understand. Of course, this isn’t the only possible way to break up the sentence. You could put the periods in different places to end up with slightly different sentences, or you could combine a couple of the sentences using a semi-colon rather than a period. But that’s something I wanted to draw your attention to right away, as it was almost the first thing I noticed while reading this story.

Now on to other things. Another major problem is that you do a lot of “telling” rather than “showing.” For example, you come right out and say, “I did have a bigger heart than all of them.” Which is fine and dandy, but when you’re writing you want to write scenes that illustrate your “heart of a lion” rather than just telling us you have one. That way, we can form our own opinion, we’ll see how true it is, and we’ll become more emotionally invested in the story. Plus, consider this: Two people tell you they have big hearts. One of them proves it by saving a puppy from a burning building, while the other says he would have saved the puppy, only he didn’t want to get his new shirt singed. So even though they both told you they had big hearts, one of them actually showed it while we’re still waiting on proof from the other. It’s similar in writing: You can tell us all you want that a character has a big heart or is kind or what have you, but it’s much more believable and powerful to show it. And I know you can do this. Why?

Because of that line I liked! You gave us an image of the lights gleaming on the field and used a simile to describe how you wore your jersey, rather than simply telling us you were proud to wear it.

So my suggestion for you is to work on this so that you show us a) how much heart you have, as a freshman amongst these towering juniors and seniors and b) this specific team, school, and football field. What I mean by that is, right now this story could take place at any high school, on any football team. What you need to do is show us this team. How does it differ from other football teams? Introduce us to some of your teammates. Is there one who jokes around a lot? One who takes football very seriously and refuses to joke around? Maybe there’s one who’s only on the team because his dad makes him play, but really he wants to be a painter.

(I don’t know; it’s your football team.)

Draw this out by writing scenes in the locker room, on the field, just before the big game. What moments stand out as important? Use dialogue to show us how football players interact with each other, their coach, and the other team. Remember that sentence you used right at the beginning of the story? “BLUE 80, BLUE 80, HUT!” That was a good line that draws the reader into the kickoff of a specific football game, but afterward the story reads more like a summary of events than an actual story. Use sensory details to paint pictures of this team, school, and game for the readers.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

BlueAfrica




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:00 pm
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Heya, bernardo! This review will be the first I've done in a while so it may be rough, but I hope it'll help you all the same. All right then, let's start~

This piece honestly seems more like a scene to me rather than an actual short story. I don't really see much development (it was more of telling of events for me) here and neither do I see a clear beginning, middle, and end; instead, it feels... in the moment, like it's supposed to be a part of a longer narrative. You might want to check that out later.

I'm not sure if you intended this, but this had a stream-of-consciousness vibe. Everything's going on in his head -- everything's unfolding and there's this overwhelming emotion deep inside him, hence why everything's crammed together. It may have been a stylistic choice of having no paragraphs, but like Stegosaurus before me said, it's way easier to read if it's broken up.

Overall, while I do understand what you're trying to get across, I suggest that you provide more of the story. As it is right now, none of the characters really grabbed my attention, which isn't a good sign, but that's all right! We're all here to help each other, right? Good luck!

P.S: To add to Steggy's links, here's a thread you might want to check out. It's from the forums!




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:54 pm
BethsLlama wrote a review...



It needs more structure so that you can expand on your topic more fluidly. Paragraphs help the audience read the writing more conveniently. It'll also help with getting all of what you had wanted to say in your work. A good way of developing your story is ask questions to yourself about the story. For example, questions that came to my mind were who is the narrator? What is the narrator's relationship with his coach? With his teammates? What do his coach and teammates have to say about the narrator? How important is football to him? Asking your own questions and answering them will help to develop your story and see how much further you can take it. This will take off a lot of stress while writing.
Structuring paragraphs is not to be underestimated. You need to make them more convenient for the reader. This is very important. A good way for writing for your audience is you need ask yourself a couple of big questions while writing, and they are who are you writing for? ... and who is your audience? If you desire to entertain, you are writing to entertain. If it is to propose a valid argument, you write to open a mind and to introduce your audience to a new perspective that is well supported. If you want to write about a factual discovery, then you write to inform. Don't hesitate to overlap them! These questions give you purpose.
Having purpose will help with getting the theme across, because the more you structure around your theme and ask yourself these questions the more your characters, and story will be able to share the theme more clearly and effectively.
Keep writing! You have a good voice.




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Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:52 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

This is a lovely piece you have here and I am glad you shared it on here on YWS! However, I feel, that- like your last piece- should be broken into paragraphs so it doesn't seem to chunky to read for the reader and easy to see the mistakes (corrections) in this work. So if you fix that, it will make more people read it!

The beginning of short story, novel, whatever you are writing, should grab the reader in (a hook) and your beginning seems to fall short of that. For one, it doesn't seem to have that 'I want to read more' factor that grips the reader to stay glued to their computer. Secondly, it seems like it is missing some key parts, for example:

As a freshman surrounded by a team consisting of mostly of seniors and juniors with the physical complexion of professional NFL players it wasn’t easy to make a contribution to the team, or so I thought.


This paragraph can be broken up with commas and periods. In the beginning, I would suggest a comma after freshman since it is breaking the beginning from the rest of the sentence and it seems easier to read that way. Then add one after players since that is one thought or comparison.
Also I suggest removing the 'So I thought'; it does seem to foreshadow what might happen later, but it seems unneeded in this term of sentence.

I may not have had the strength nor speed that these enormous running backs, linebackers, nor receivers had. But I did have a bigger heart than all of them, after being tackled by the sweaty, muscular 200 pound linebackers I refused to stay down.


This next sentence seems to need the most help- and that is good! Helps the author with whatever looks like needs to fix; that is why we review. Anyway... the first thing I would suggest is to re-read over the sentence since I can see some things that look like they are misused or grammarly incorrect.
For one, 'nor' doesn't seem correct in the way. I don't know how to explain it but this site could be able to help you: When To Use Nor.
You wrote 'nor' twice in the same sentence so limit it down to one; easier to read. I also feel like But I did have a bigger heart than all of them, after being tackled by the sweaty, muscular 200 pound linebackers I refused to stay down. may be re-written as I did, however, have the biggest heart out of them- even though I was tackled by sweaty, muscular 200 pound linebacker .

There were only a couple of other freshman’s who showed up to practice, all of them called me bezerk for running the ball when those giant linebackers were awaiting me to demolish me on the field.


It is nice to know that some other freshman showed up but I don't think it moved the plot along for this short story. ...called me bezerk for running the ball when those giant linebackers were awaiting me to demolish me on the field; this little sentence needs some major commas (I see that most of your sentences/paragraphs..this site could help you with that! Using The Comma)

I recall this specific play in which I played as running back and my task was to run through a small, tight creek and run as if my feet were on fire.


Should be removed (doesn't move the plot along; added info; etc).

I would suggest reading over this piece and break most of these sentences in paragraphs since I am having trouble of reading where a sentence starts and end. Overall, this was a great short story! I liked it.

If you have any questions or want me to explain something more throughly, let me know!

Steggy





We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy