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[pre]Why!
Is it so, that you go, leave me all alone. Blind!
It's not my fault that I'm not worth you, you make me feel so alive, but then you left me for some other guy!
And now I'm
Blided by your lies,
your life not worth you living it,
so why don't you die!!!!
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Now I feel the pulse in my vains,
the time has come once again,
as my voice collapses all the time,
I will not lose to Hypo-crime!!!
R-O-A-R!
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Oh wahahaha![/pre]
*moved* If anyone sees a topic out of place, PM a mod, or jr. mod. Once the author posts something, they can't move it, so telling them to won't do much good.
YOU
ARE
SUPPOSED
TO
PUT
THAT
IN
THE
LYRICS
SECTION
LEARN
TO
READ
WEIRDO
I like the lyrics, though.
benny wrote:[pre]Why!
Is it so, that you go, leave me all alone. Blind!
It's not my fault that I'm not worth you, you make me feel so alive, but then you left me for some other guy!
And now I'm
Blided by your lies,
your life not worth you living it,
so why don't you die!!!!
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Now I feel the pulse in my vains,
the time has come once again,
as my voice collapses all the time,
I will not lose to Hypo-crime!!!
R-O-A-R!
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Oh wahahaha![/pre]
Why! put a question mark after why =]
Is it so, that you go, leave me all alone. Blind!
It's not my fault that I'm not worth you, (that)you make me feel so alive, but then you left me for some other guy!
And now I'm
Blided by your lies,
your life not worth you living it,
so why don't you die!!!! Oh god, stop with the exclamation points. They ruin the line
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Now I feel the pulse in my vains,
the time has come once again,
as my voice collapses all the time,
I will not lose to Hypo-crime!!!
R-O-A-R!
Oh wahahaha!
you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
Oh wahahaha!
[/b]This poem would be much, much better if the times you tried to rhyme, you, uh, didn't. I like the use of repetition, really. It's a quite an alright poem. But as I said before, the exclamation points ruin everything. Try to tone them down. It ruins the, ahh.. dramatic-ness of the poem. Would I write:
A boy and a girl walk down the road
their newfound path paved with ice!! (OMG!!)
His hand gently took hers!
And their fingers became entwined!!!
Her eyes shifted to his face
which beamed as he locked eyes with her!!! (OMFG! RLY?)
He dared to inch closer
for that one special kiss!!!!
See what I mean about losing the dramatic-ness? Dramaticity? I don't know the right word, but you know what I mean. Tone down on the exclamation points.
BTW: Poems not prewritten. It was written sponteaniously (I know thats spelt wrong...)
This belongs in the lyrics section. It's not poetry right?
Anyway, I'll do my best to critique anyway...
I thought it kind of fell down in its bluntness. Of course that may have been the point, but I think you could have been a bit more witty in your accusations. I did like the tone though.
This is good! 
Nice work, there're aren't too many things to pick up on, just the odd speling or typo, but nothing too major.
*blinded*Blided by your lies
your life not worth you living it,
I'm not sure about this phrase, it doesn't seem to fit. I'm not sure if it's the right context. i could be wrong, but you don't want to confuse the listener.It's not my fault that I'm not worth you, you make me feel so alive, but then you left me for some other guy!
Is this supposed to be all one line, or broken up into seperate phrases, think about it. you know it's not fair how you treat me,
to use and the abuse,
as you put it Hump and Dump!
It's not right anymore!
this is agood chorus! the main message is clearly set out, and it ties into all the rest, so well done! Now I feel the pulse in my vains,
the time has come once again,
as my voice collapses all the time,
I will not lose to Hypo-crime!!!
This verse is really good! I like it, it has good rythm, and rhyme, but if you're going to have rhyme in one verse, then what about the others. not necessarily the chorus, but the other verses. Otherwise this one stands out like a sore thumb and doesn't fit.
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