621, China
The gnawing in his stomach reminded him he had to find food. He was starving, like many others in China. The boy had to find food, if he slowed they would catch him.
Why had he killed that monk? Well, he knew why, the monk had food. But, he didn't even get the food for which he was chased.
“Stupid Huang, stupid, stupid,” he muttered as he veered off the trail towards a house.
There was no one in the area as far as he could tell, But still, how could he possibly kick in the door without making any noise? Finally, there was a gap large enough for him. There, in the corner he saw them, those precious small white grains--rice, the most important food in China. Not much but enough to keep him going. He continued down the trail, but this time about a hundred feet off to the side, there were lots of people to report him on the trail.
China has very cold winters, and this was not exception. It was also starting to get dark. There was a town ahead and he needed shelter. Once he got there he walked through the town until he got to a house, it wasn't large or small. He knocked on the door. No answer. The door was unlocked so he entered. There were some special robes in the corner, not built for warmth, but they’ll do. He was sitting on the ground in his special robe when he heard footsteps, and he ran behind a crate.
As the footsteps got closer he heard a voice “You left the door open, show yourself”. Huang came out from cover and saw the man unarmed. He wore orange robes, much like the ones he was wearing and was bald. They talked for about ten minutes. The man was a monk, someone that devotes their life to studying Buddhism, and meant him no harm, he said that he wanted take him to a monastery and teach him the ways of a buddhist, for it would make him a better man.
Huang disclosed the information about the previous monk. So it was decided, he was headed to a buddhist monastery to “start a new life”. The monastery was a temple Once Huang arrived at the temple one of the monks greeted him. The monk said that they prayed three times a day, meditated and they wanted to shave his head, because being bald was a symbol of being a monk.
About three days later a man came to town describing how one of the monasteries leading monks had been killed, they said that the attacker looked alot like Huang. The monks immediately kicked Huang out.
Five years later Huang came back to the monastery and they accepted him for he had reached nirvana, or “enlightenment”.
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140,637 Literary Works • 673,574 Reviews
-"As the footsteps got closer he heard a voice “You left the door open, show yourself”." I suggest using something along the lines of 'As the footsteps got closer, he heard a voice: "You left the door open. Show yourself."' . Also, the period remains inside the quotation marks, just so you know.
-"he said that he wanted take him to a monastery and teach him the ways of a buddhist," Capitalize the Buddhist.
-"The monastery was a temple Once Huang arrived at the temple one of the monks greeted him." I don't think you have to explain what a monastery is, unless it was specified in your English assignment. If it was specified in your Engish assignment, other than the blocky exposition, you might want to put a period between 'temple' and 'once'.
-"Five years later Huang came back to the monastery and they accepted him for he had reached nirvana, or “enlightenment”." That was incredibly sudden. Detrimentally sudden, in fact. Let's go to the review.
To the Actual Review:
This was written very well in the beginning, but for some reason it decided to rush through it's well-conceived plotline to go to a conclusion that could make for a good story but never really showed itself. I liked the way that you ended it saying that the thie found nirvana, but here's the question: how did he find nirvana? You can't just tell us how he found nirvana, you have to show us how he did it, let the reader in on every painful moment that led him into enlightenment. Let's take the story of Siddharta Gautama--certainly not the best story out there, but it tells us how he got to nirvana, which is by meeting suffering and pain by the first time he leaves the palace walls. You could use that to the advantage of this work, as well. Maybe Huang is left out in the cold and continues to find food through less than moral ways, but finds that his life has become empty, so he does everything in his power to earn back the respect from the monastery.
This has a lot of potential and could be used to very touching extents, but for now it remains somewhat flat, but still a good idea overall. Consider showing us the conflict that leads to the ending, it'll probably get a nice reaction from the reader overall.
Signing out,
--EM.
Watchdog1324 here for the review!
First off, welcome to YWS! Glad you came, and hope you'll stay
Second, your spelling is almost flawless; only one spelling mistake.
As for your writing, it's not bad, but somewhat confusing to follow.
There's a lot of places where you have very choppy sentences that disrupt your overall flow.
Huang seems to be a person of great inner tumult, which explains why he killed the monk for food, and tried to break into the house to stay warm.
It's very confusing where, at the end, he has somehow achieved nirvana in five short years. This (I feel) should definitely be elaborated on = tell us about the five years and what adventures he went on that resulted in him achieving enlightenment.
Overall this is a very interesting, engaging work and I'm glad you took the time to share it!
Keep up the good work