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141,932 Literary Works • 676,096 Reviews
Heyo belv, Wisteria here for a review! It's great to see that you are playing with lines and spacing a bit more now, there is a lot more variance in the poem and the rhythm now feels less flat. Yet I'm wondering about the way you've formatted the poem.
, the imagery whilst sounding nice doesn't amount to much in my mind. It's vague and blurry, the notion of a birdseed heart. And I quite like the rest of the first stanza save for the flowers, it jumped out of nowhere and felt a bit forced in and I'm wondering what you're trying to express through the flowers.Why the spacing and arrangement of lines. I can understand why you might have done it. For aesthetics perhaps, or to add feeling to the poem yet I think here it's more distracting than effective. Now, even I'm not great at white-spacing my poetry and most of the time I do it off feel. But I know that Siken does it extremely well so take a look at his poetry if you like. Otherwise, you might also want to ask Lumi and Kayla on this they have more experience and knowledge on this topic than I do.
I loved the first line, it's a strong start but then it sort of fell away at the second line. Especially
There is the element of loss, this has the tone of a post breakup poem. Nostalgia, the bittersweet taste of a once happy past that is well expressed in the last two lines of the first stanza. And now, that brings me to the second stanza. It feels disconnected because you have too many pieces of imagery all at once. And I say this, knowing that I have the same problem. But because you're fitting in so many pieces of potential symbols and meanings, from knowing how to kindle a relationship, the actual relationship, and reflecting on the relationship. It's a menagerie of meaning that due to its number actually detracts it from a singular point.
So here's what I suggest, I think it'd be better if you picked one aspect of the relationship arc. Beginner, middle, after and center it around that. Or if you're talking about transitioning between two different stages, try and base it around that too. Because at the moment, as great as your language and foundation is I think the poem lacks focus. As a result, it sort of turns into a lukewarm collection of snippets of emotions and memories when it could be made stronger.
I hope you've found this review helpful, and as always take it with a grain of salt. This is only one person's opinion, if you've got any questions please let me know.
-Wis
Hey Wis, thank you for the insightful review! I do love Siken, and I'll take you up on that advice and check out their writing. Whitespacing and imagery are definitely some of the parts that really stand out to me as iffy, too, and I understand what you mean about having too many pieces of imagery. A lot of them are significant in the background of the poem itself, but seeing as the meaning didn't come out for you, I can see why it feels lukewarm and fragmented. Your review is very helpful, thank you! You've given me a few ideas about how I can revise this, and my writing in general; I'm excited to try.
Hi belvedere Rodger here for a quick review.
First of all l want to congratulate you for choosing to write.
I have just outline a few nitpicks l want to talk about:
1.Stanza style
It is a bit confusing, l was was struggling to understand where it begins and end really. I would suggest that maybe you stick to a basic format, l know a lot of writers want their work to stand out but most of it only brings confusion causing the audience not to really get the meaning the poem wants to convey.
2. Rthyem ( the most important element of poetry)
Think about the last conversation you had with your friends. You expressed your thoughts with speech that probably came to mind as you said the words. Will you remember those words in a year or ten years? Will those words profoundly influence your thoughts and emotions? Normal speech isn't meant to do all those things, but poetry can because it's an art form in which each word is weighed and chosen for maximum effect. So try to implement that next time.
I think you know what you wanted to say in this particular poem, its just how to express it, you know. To make it appealing to your writers out there
Besides that well done and remember to keep on writing.
Hey Rodger, thanks for taking the time to review my piece! To be fair, the stanza format is a stylistic choice, and the ambiguity is intentional -- however, I can definitely see why it might be confusing, so thanks for the heads up. It's geared towards the feel and flow of the poem for me, but I realise it's still very flawed, so I'll take another look. Regarding rhythm, I do take care with my words and I edit them a lot, but maybe what you mean is taking a syntactical structure that's more literary and less conversational -- in which case that's also a deliberate choice on my part. I have been experimenting with other styles of poetry, though, so you make a fair point; perhaps what we're looking for in this particular piece is just different, but your input is very valid and appreciated. I'll definitely consider the suggestions you raised here, thank you again!