a sunburnt sea so startlingly white, fashioned from old
fishing hooks and timbered hide, to hoard a
harpstring of memory. it comes in fragments.
I remember places by people, a name by a hand, and
the brine of scuttling waves following lines in the sand
this summer. where you stand alone
at the stern, pensive, grey and washed-out and paperthin
like a worn photograph—one in which I never see your face.
the shape of your voice: blue and overgrown with space,
a distant mountainside of daisies and half-blown wishes
illuminated by twilight. I met the sea, its shy embrace
and rasping voice, rough as foam breaking over rocks. it knocks
breaths together in a pickle jar, but
yellow is not there. she went home early, citing a
sick heart. the white sea, grey hands and blue slopes,
they unravel the summer and the sky comes apart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey belvedere, Wisteria here for a review! So first of all, welcome to YWS! It's good to have you on board and I hope you enjoy your stay here. I'm going to start off with a general overall feel for the poem before moving onto smaller nitpacks.
The use of imagery is wonderful in this poem. It's poignant and strong, they're crisp and apt adjectives you've used when describing the sea and the waves. I can feel the summer wind, the sun glistening off the sea and how those scents then in turn evoke memories of the past.
is a personal favourite here. And what I like about it is that, your voice remains steady and strong for the rest of the poem. This gentle, lyrical mood tainted with the sepia of the past that's been invoked through you imagery and language is I think one of the strongest points of this poem. The only place where I find a bit jarring, is the last stanza. Not because of the language, but because of the sudden transition from reminiscing about the sea to 'yellow'? But who is yellow, is yellow a girl? Is Yellow the lover of our narrator? Who is she, and why is she in this poem when she hasn't been foreshadowed or introduced in the first half of the poem?
I can feel the sentiment of loss and regret in those lines, yet because of that break in narrative the poem stands a bit lopsided and not nearly as cohesive as before. I think maybe introducing or clarifying who Yellow is, might make the poem flow better.
Next, I want to talk about line lengths. I think this poem can benefit from a variance in line lengths, especially because so much of poetry is also dependent on prosody. The way readers read a poem, where the breath stops and rises is also a significant part of the poetic experience. A poem where all the lines are the same, can create a rather monotonous and flat tone.
I've noticed that you have a tendency to group simple sentences together in a line. Like the first three lines are comprised of, three simple sentences excluding 'to hoard a harpstring of memory'. The effect of that turns your poem into a kind of narrative, something you might find in a novel as opposed to poetry because it lacks the rise and fall of breath. You can read more about meter, rhythm and pacing in this article.
Overall, I think this was a lovely read. Experiment with the lines a bit and see what you come up with! If you have any questions regarding this review, please feel free to comment or ask me!
-Wis
Thank you, Wisteria. I'm really grateful to you for pointing that out -- I've been bothered by the ending for a while. It feels like too fast of a skid, like everything beforehand maintains that lyrical mood you speak of but once it reaches yellow, everything tumbles down like rocks on a slope. In terms of clarifying the role of yellow, I appreciate your suggestion; the ambiguity was intended, but that happened partly also because I wasn't sure how else to introduce her without drawing away from the other colours. If you think it'd help the flow, I'll give it a try! I've always been interested in poetic form, so I might do some experimenting with the line lengths like you've suggested. On one hand this piece adopts a more laidback style because of the content, but it does seem lacklustre, now that you mention it. Thanks again!
I forgot to mention the alliteration of the "s"in [sunburnt, sea, so startling].
Thanks for sharing this poem about a place and a person who is very special to the speaker. The poem involves a series of images interwoven with declarations about a special someone. It hints at meanings that are left for the reader to decipher. I admire the ability o create such poetry and enjoy the challenge that such poetry poses. So I found the style itself to be intriguing. Liked the inner rhymes of face, space, embrace, rocks, knocks, hand, sand, etc.
Favorite phrase
Suggestion
The stanza breaks come at points which disrupt the flow of the read.
alone---at
embrace--and
but---yellow
Are not good places to separate the composition in that way.
Thanks for sharing and looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you found the style interesting, though if possible, would you be able to tell me how you thought the rhyme added to or detracted from the piece? I don't usually try it, but if there's nothing much to say, then that's fine! Regarding the stanza breaks, the disruptions are in part intentional; I wanted to mimic the way a photograph's perpendicular edges confine a moment to the solid, but retain the flow of the whole. However, if it's too distracting, I appreciate you telling me and I'll consider changing it up :^)
The internal rhyme further separates the composition from ordinary prose and adds a certain melodic touch that would otherwise be missing. Other factors contribute to the flow such as alliteration. We have the "s" sound in the series of words such as in "summer" "sky" "sand" "stand" "stern" and the "P" sound in "People" and "places" Then there is the "h"alliteration of [Hide, hoard, harp-string].It all works to create a pleasant reading experience. As poets we tend to do this on a subconscious level as we are composing and only later realize that we have done it. Marvelous how the brain works!
Marvelous indeed, I didn't notice that happening; I'm glad that it has been accomplished instinctively, but since you've drawn my attention to it, I'll keep an eye out in the future!
I found three more! Notice the "f"alliteration:
fashioned from old
fishing