Him <3

This is a great piece. However, there are a couple mishaps. For one, your sentences are too long and should be cut up. Secondly, the beginning is nice, but it seems like it could have a little more before the narrator wakes up. Add how deeply the character wishes she could be with him, exactly what she feels in that moment besides "wanting it to last forever." Just some thoughts. This is awesome, just btw. Completely relatable to many teenage girls.

This is a lovely piece of writing it is good. It is relatable.

It reminds my of teenage love

Hey Bells!

Here to review you.

Alright, so let me start by saying that you really got me interested in the beginning. I have read various romantic stories but none of them ever started like this, so it was something to look forward to. Your descriptions were good, if not really unique. As the two reviewers before me have already told you, there were some grammar mistakes but nothing you can't fix.

The story was going good until she woke up. Then it turned into the same old teenage drama. Her crying over her looks and all. I really believe that such stories are cliched and after reading so many like these I no longer feel anything when I read something like them. I might be coming of as rude but this is what I feel, so I'm sorry.

And I didn't understand the last part of who says 'Hey sweetie...'. Maybe you could elaborate more on that so the readers won't be left confused. Anyways, I like the end of 'Boys'. I really found it amusing.

This wasn't exactly a story but more of a memoir, I'd say? That being said when you write a memoir everybody's got an individual style so writing in a simple way is cool, like you did.

I'm not sure if this helps, but drop me a PM if you want anything to be clarified.

~Mia

Hey i'm here to review
I saw a couple mistake:

"Hey sweetie, why don't you come over her a minute?"
I corrected the H.

I also think it would be easier if you broke it up. For an example:

He pulled me in a i closed my eyes. I breathed in his scent, letting it calm me. I looked up at his handsome face. He had a square jaw, and fine cheekbones. His dark brown eyes shone with mischief. He smirked and brushed a strand of hair from my face. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him enclose me in his body. I wanted to become one with him. I liked the way my body fit in with his, liked the rhythm of our heart beat when they collided into one harmony. I wanted this to last forever...
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
My eyes swung open. I flopped over and slameed down on the hello kitty alarm clock I'd had since i was seven. It immediately stopped beeping. I rolled back and screamed int the pillow.
"Why had it had to be just a dream.!?"
I sad up and took a deep breath, it was monday. Of course i got up and went through my usual routin. To begin, i look at myself in the mirror and fuss over how drastically scary i looked with my hair stuck out like Frankenstein's and pillow marks on my face, take a three hundred hour shower, do my hair, apply face moisturizer, brush my teeth, get dressed, go eat breakfast and wish i'd waited until after i'd eaten to brush my teeth so everything didn't have that disgusting taste it always gets after you use mint tooth paste, and then brush my teeth again. Fuss over my reflection, grab my lunch my mother made me and rush out the door since i spent to mush time dilly-dallying or so my father says i do. I don't think it's a waste of time though, but what does he know? I hurry out to the bust just as the big yellow clunker pulled up.

I got on and instantly was paraded with, " Hey sweetie, why don't you come over here a minute?" and " Hia Charlotte, how you been?" Boys.

There where quite a few mistakes like you had a really long sentence and you had to many elipses or those 3 period things and you had a period after the last one of these"

Your welcome

Hey! Pix here! I really like this peice. I see a couple grammar mistakes-

"Hey sweetie, why don't you come over here a minute?"

^^I corrected that, the H was suppost to be captialized.

And in "Hia, Charlotte. How you been?" There shouldn't have been a period at the end. I also think it would be easier if you broke it up. Like,

" He pulled me in and I closed my eyes. I breathed in his scent, letting it calm me. I looked up at his handsome face. He had a square jaw, and fine cheekbones. His dark brown eyes shone with mischief. He smirked and brushed a strand of hair from my face. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him enclose me in his body. I wanted to become one with him. I liked the way my body fit in with his. I liked the rhythm of our heart beats when they collided into one harmony. I wanted this to last forever...
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

My eyes swung open. I flopped over and slammed down on the hello kitty alarm clock I'd had since I was seven. It stopped beeping immediately. I rolled back over and screamed into the pillow.

"Why had it had to have been a dream!?" I sat up and took a deep breath. It was Monday. Of course... I got up and went through my usual routine. To begin, look at myself in the mirror and fuss over how drastically scary I looked with my hair stuck out like Frankenstein's and pillow marks on my face, take a three hundred hour shower, do my hair, apply face moisturizer, brush my teeth, get dressed, go eat breakfast and wish I'd waited until after I'd eaten to brush my teeth so everything didn't have that disgusting taste it always get's after you use mint tooth paste, and then go brush my teeth again, fuss over my reflection, grab my lunch my mother made me, then go rush out to the bus because I spent too much time dilly-dallying... or so my father says I do.

I don't think it's a waste of time though, but what does he know... I hurried out to the bus stop just as the big yellow clunker pulled up. I got on and instantly was paraded with, "hey sweetie, why don't you come over here a minute?" and "Hia Charlotte. How you been?". Boys..."

Like that. Just to make it easier to read. Other then that, It's great. Keep it up.

~Katie.