Poison Lines

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
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I like the unique and still kind of simple-looking tittle of this work. Unfortunately I can not really turn this review into soemthing very big and helpful because other reviewers had already pointed the things I see out and the work is short, but I still want to tell you that you had done a very good job as this is your very first work released in this site.
I did not expect to find some a rhyme in this work even if , unfortunately, it is not really working on every single line. I think you need to double check or think of a way to rhyme it all. Of course, if you want you to rhyme it. This is still your own choice as a writer.
It is really confusing because you do not use nothing else than 'they' and 'their' to show us more about the narrators or whatever we are talking about. So maybe I could say more about the topic of the poem if it was more certain and clear for me. Maybe it is too short to be more clear? Who knows. Maybe you should replace one or two 'their' with something similar to it.

While everyone drowns them with their sorrows they bitterly brew woes thrice as hollow.

With hearts of the blackest tar their tears fall as acid rain

Hey!

The poem is really good. Poetry can be two things, fun or meaningful. You really hit meaningful on the head! I reallly like the name of the poem and how it refers to the poem and the context of the poem at the same time. I also like some lines , like

One may be shocked by their gruesome fate, although the truth has slipped right through the gate.

This line especially shows the nature of the poem, how it reveals something darker and more complicated than we all see.

One point I have is these lines:

While everyone drowns them with their sorrows they bitterly brew woes thrice as hollow.
Bottled up and pickled as only the vilest emotions are, they spread misery and hate.

All I can say is "who?". You have them, their, they, they, and I know you are talking about two different groups of people, but I can`t tell who is who. It`s a bit confusing, and lessens the effect the poem has on the reader.

Next is the line:

Locked is the door to the land unseen

I feel as if this line is separate from the rest of the poem. I can understand a plotline from the rest of the poem, with the people trapped somewhere where there is no help in sight and no fate but doom. But then, why is the door there locked? can nobody get there?

Other than that, I really loved it. You`re a great writer and I hope you keep writing!

~Lucy

The poem is actually nice I basically like the concept and the idea into the poem. It has that cool factor, when I read the poem. It would be nice if you break it down because that it would better and very poetry form. Though I consider this a poem but it's like it was written in paragraph. There are poems that are written in paragraph form actually. And there are poems that are look like a story. Maybe you can try that out If you are interested. And I think that would be your forte soon.

I can't anything bad about the poem, but may I suggest

Locked is the door to the land unseen
Soon to be lit with a fire quite mean.

One may be shocked by their gruesome fate
Though the truth has slipped right through the gate.

While everyone drowns them with their sorrows
Bitterly brew woes thrice as hollow.

Bottled up and pickled
As only the vilest emotions are
Spread misery and hate.

With hearts of the blackest tar
Tears fall as acid rain

And their shrill voices
Cause even the old man
In the moon to cover his ears and weep.





I deleted something in the poem. Just to cut some unnecessary words The number of stanzas doesn't matter as long the flow is there and right. Because I love the flow in this poem. I'm following the traditional way of writing a poetry if you notice why the first letter of the first word in each line are capitalized.

Hope you can write more of your poems soon I'm looking forward to it

Wow, that was...WOW. This was very good, and very well written! I did see that you were intending to rhyme, but I didn't see a rhyme on every single one. I don't know if you intended to rhyme, but it was very good anyway!

Also, on the 5th line, after "fall as acid rain" there is no period. So, probably just a typo, so if you want to edit that and fix it, that would be cool!

This poem was very well written, and I really enjoyed it! It showed the mood very well, which was very sad and lonely. It was terrifying to. Good job and keep writing!!