Published April 24, 2010
“Let me tell you a story.” “Story time” said Toby, “what’s it about this time?” said Sid, “trust me its going to be fun, and real.” “What’s it going to be you learning karate, or having superpowers,” ignorantly said Sid. “Super powers!” said Toby in a cheery tone. “Actually Sid, yes”
“When I was 12 years old, the year of 2012 I woke up to find,” “wait are you telling them the superhero story” said Phil. “Well act”… “May, come down here granny’s telling the superhero story” yelled Phil on the top of his lungs. “. “I’m coming” screamed May. “What’s so great about this story” asked Sid, “be quiet” said Toby, May and Phil at the same time. “Ok, when I was 12 years old, the year of 2012, I woke up to find that I had superpowers” “superpowers?” asked Sid “yes super strength, super speed, I could shoot lasers out of my eyes, I could be invisible, I could stretch all the way to Texas, I could freeze people and objects, I could move objects with my mind, I could freeze time, I could make force fields and better yet… I could… FLY!!” “How did you find out that you had superpowers?” asked Toby
“When I woke up there was two holes in my on my wall that was about the size of my eye maybe, and my covers were completely ice, and my whole room was all out of order like someone moved it all.
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well this work leaves one a teeny bit confused here. I think for starters, this happens to be a bit incomplete here....because we've got a bit of a situation where it cuts itself off a little bit abruptly towards the end. If maybe you were attempting a bit of a cliffhanger, I don't think what you've got there at the moment really works out too well here.
Besides that, this also kind of builds onto things a little too strongly here. There's a certain exciting part to having a bit of a series of superpowers get laid out in this manner, but here you've gotten to a point where there's a few too many things being randomly spit out and it makes things a bit boring here, which isn't great, so perhaps toning that down just a smidge would help here.
Overall, this seems like it could make for a fairly interesting premise here. We've certainly got more than enough going on there to make things interesting, it just needs a second look at here to clean some of these parts up just a bit and then it'd work much better.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think you have a nice start and a good beginnig. My revisions would be these:
* Do what skutter11 taught you with grammer. it makes things alot easier to read.
* Get rid of the line “Actually Sid, yes". It truly doesn't make any sense there. ( If you want you can organize it better- it just didn't make sense there)
* Have a better ending. You should have had more of either: A) A more final end sentance or B) A suspense ending
Thanks and keep writing!:)
Hi, my name's skutter and I shall be your reviewer for the day! Grammar is in red everything else, green, ok?
.This story has some real potential, but it needs a lot of work. Also, I think that you need to try and extend it, but don't fret and keep writing!