What do you think I want people to be harsh if they have to. And ___(n) means I need a name for that Person/thing.
PROLOGUE
In a powerful land, three different groups lived in peace. There were the humans on earth known as Earth. The Evil power of fire Witches of Hell known as Fire. And the powerful, delightful group who all rested their lives on a hero of their’s Princess Terrwyn known as Light and Dark. Princess Terrwyn was the only person who has the powers of all three groups.
About 15 thousand years ago the three groups broke apart. The humans felt different being powerless and stayed on Earth. The witches felt they need more of the power and deserved to be the leaders of all three groups. So they started a war however; lost. They were shunned and was sent to another planet, but jumping to different planets, stars and galaxies to find and take over the two other groups.
Princess Terrwyn meaning “Brave Fair one” lived a complicated life. She could be born in any group and not knowing what to do until she earned her powers, she has a guardian. A boy named Toast who has the power of Light and was cursed. When the groups broke up, he lived for generations, being a guardian. However; not knowing which group Princess Terrwyn will reborn in. The council of the Light cursed Toast to never grow any older until the Princesses’ duties were done.
More than 14 thousand years later, riding his 17 hand, black Shier horse ___(n), which wasn’t just a Shier. It could transform into a Dark dragon. ___(n) was born never to die. From nose to tail as a dragon she was 32 feet. She was purple, with black wings and white claws. Toast had been 17 for the past 14,867 years. He’s exhausted for looking planet to planet, star to star, galaxy to galaxy for Princess Terrwyn. Out of nowhere a gun shoots off and bounces off his unbreakable shield. He makes ___(n) dash and Toast takes out his sword. Suddenly. Out of nowhere he was shot off ___(n). The bullet went right through his temple. His head glows, the bullet disappears and the hole in his head and the blood vanishes. He comes back to life and sees someone in White ride off with ___(n). Toast tries to run as fast as he can trying to catch up, however; they were too quick.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well this is interesting. It seems our prologue is sort of a dive right into the midst of a history lesson of sorts for the backstory of this world here. That's certainly an interesting choice and since we do get a mild sort of fairytale vibe from proceedings I think it does do a good job in terms of getting our attention there and then keeping it fairly well at least. The sorts of groups you mention seem to be somewhat unique enough and the way that quite casually we have all sorts of planets and things being tossed about suggests this is very large world too, so all in all this is a good start.
OKay that transition there towards the end from recounting a sort of tale long past sort of vibe towards action that's happening in real time is a bit shaky there nor does it really work with the vibe this piece tries to establish at the start so you might want to look into that a little bit. The extra expansions we get in terms of the characters and the world are quite interesting though. I think you're doing quite a good job in terms of creating those to be very interesting. So just a look at a couple of things is all we need to make this a better prologue here but as it stands its still doing its job pretty well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
LOL hmmmm this is extremely confuseing
. And why do i get the vauge sense of deja-vu? 
This oddly feels like zelda! hmmmmm i wonder why?? naughty naughty!*wags finger*
It look like you have a good start.
Some of it was hard to read because of all the run-on sentences. You should try to add some punctuation. Another thing I noticed was that a lot of the time you used sentence fragments:He makes ___(n) dash and Toast takes out his sword. Suddenly. Out of nowhere he was shot off ___(n). Where does suddenly belong?
You should try to keep from switching tenses because it sort of reduces your writing's overall quality.
This sentence confuses me. You should say that she would not know, because the way it's written makes it confusing.
I think you need to make a name for the horse. Also, I'm not a horse person, so 17 hands tall Shier means absolutely nothing to me. You might want to try describing it more.
Definitely you should try explaining the scene more than just saying, Then he got shot (example). It makes thes scene much more interesting and makes it sound less like a history textbook.
Good start!
If you are referring to the real breed, it's Shire. I'll go through much more indepth later.
very creative A LOT of potential . With work it'll be something great
Well, I would crit, but it seems that everyone has critted this piece of yours. o.O
That's okay. I did crit your second piece, just letting you know. 
*Seraph*
not bad for a prologue. You should search Google for forien names and thier meanings. Here's an exsample- HAimon= bloody (Greek)
Grif has some excellent points, most of which I agree with. Since two people have already given you a sentence by sentence crit, I'm gonna go a little bit broader.
First piece of advice: Slow down. you just packed all that information into three or four paragraphs! You could have easily taken it and lengthened it out to several pages with all the stuff that you packed in there.
I get the idea that you were feeling rushed, that you wanted to get all this out in the open so that you could begin your story so you wrote it out as fast as you could. Even if that isn't what you did, it's the idea that reader gets. You said this was intended to be a novel. Novels are long. Take your time, you have plenty of space.
Secondly, I'd suggest that you put the action sequence at the beginning and use it to explain everything that comes before it. Seeing a guy get shot off a horse and then miraculously get back up would definitely cartch my attention. Use it to your advantage. From there, you can kinda sink into his thoughts and have him explain his mission and that will give us a lot of the info that we need, WITHOUT info-dumping on us.
But you do have a good beginning for the story. I like how it's a fantasy novel, but you're including other planets.
Happy editing!
Welcome to YWS!
This is weird sentence structure. It is kind of phrased like the common listing sentence. This is what a listing sentence looks like:
"I need paper, pencils, and lots of tylenol."
Since you used this format, your sentence should look something like this:
"There were Humans, Witches, and Light and Dark."
Notice how there was a lot of information omitted? If we tried to stick it all in there, the sentence would be so overloaded it would literally weight your reader down.
So I recommend a different structure. We're going to keep the first sentence and second sentence. The third sentence (about the witches) is going to be changed. We should have no reservations about this, because it doesn't make sense as it stands.
"There was also the Witches of Hell, known as fire." This is more like what the sentence should look like, though I strongly suggest you change the name of the Witches from "Fire" to something more fitting a group of evil witches.
Since we changed the third sentence, we must also change the fourth. Instead of starting with "And" we will use the common opening "Then there was..." As a general rule, you should never start a sentence with the word "And."
1. You haven't clearly defined the powers of each group, so the sentence is meaningless.
2. This is a sign of an over-powered character and about a half dozen other character cliches.
3. Even if all the above is true, why should we care? I mean, at this point it is just interesting trivia.
Is it because they felt powerless or that they were powerless that prevented them from leaving?
If you write in past tense, keep it there. Need is very present tense. The rest of it was just clutter.
Read this aloud. Does this sound right? It sounds like you are trying to communicate way too much.
So here is the basics to communicating.
Each paragraph should describe a new idea. The first sentence is the topic sentence and communicates what your paragraph is going to talk about. The sentences that follow this one should communicate one idea about the subject of the paragraph. Under no circumstances should you attempt to communicate two ideas in the same sentence; it just confuses people.
This is what we call "info-dumping." Basically, the author tells us everything that they think we should know about the characters, before we even get a chance to meet them. It is the bane of all story writing, simply because it bogs the story down. No reader will slog through so much information and still be interested in the characters.
To make matters worse, you throw in a hastily described action sequence, without a paragraph to split it off from the info-dump.
I'll be honest. This needs to be taken apart and re-written.
Thanks I'll take your tips. And Sorry about the ___(n) My friend has a good name and wants me to use it so I put that until she found it.
Hi there!
First off, there is potential in your writing and you do have the beginnings of a fantasy novel here. Good start!
You need some punctuation in here so you don't end up with a run-on sentence. I suggest you put 'Princess Terrwyn' in brackets and a comma after 'group'.
You swap tenses here. 'Has' should be 'had'.
Doesn't make sense. You need to either re-word this completely or try to re-order it into:
So they started a war, however they lost. But that is still quite weak so I think you're better off re-wording it totally.
Again, this doesn't make any sense. You swap tenses here as well.
I don't really understand this sentence and the end bit needs to be seperate.
Again, doesn't really make sense. Swap in tenses.
The semi-colon should be a comma and the full stop should be a comma. 'will' needs to be 'would' and there needs to be a 'be' after it. 'in' should also be 'into'.
Completely confusing!
You change tenses again!
Shouldn't be it's own sentence.
Repetition of #out of nowhere' and 'shot'. Use something else.
You're in present tense again! Be careful.
Comma instead of semi-colon and think of using a different word other than 'however'.
To Improve:
Mistakes You've made.
Watch out for your tenses. Decide on one and stick to it.
Make sure you're using the right punctuation.
Show, don't tell. We want to see what is going on rather than be told what is happening. It's no fun!
What to look out for.
Cliche bucket! Fantasy can get very cliched and as readers we are looking out to see what is original about your writing.
Names! Keep them coming. _______(n) doesn't constitute for it. If your stuck, don't just think you have to use unusual names. Go on a website for baby names if you're stuck.
All the best and keep writing.
Alainna
xx