Read my prologue and Chapter 1 first
Chapter 2
The clock strikes 3:00 in the mourning and Alastrona awoke. She could hear the snores and cries of other patients, with the laughter of the doctors and nurses working the night shift. She swiftly grabs her cell phone to check the messages. She listened and heard some from Cassius. “Hey baby. How are you? I‘m here on your door-step. So where are you? Call back.” Another one said “That‘s it! Your out with another guy aren‘t you. Man I‘ll beat the hell out of him.” No more messages.
More scared she grew hoping he won’t beat up one of her guy friends thinking she was cheating on him. Glad his blue eyes and blonde hair seduces her, as she began to draw in her notebook. And how he acts and treats her. A few minutes later she realized that he treats her like crap most of the time, however; is sweet and fixes it, some of the time. Then, she completed her drawing and wrote “I love you”. She folded it up, fell asleep and in the mourning she awoke with Ellie and Kali in front of her.
“Hey!” They shouted.
“Oh my god! You scared me.” Alastrona replied
“How are you feeling?” Kali asked.
“Better” Rubbing her head.
“What‘s the note?” Ellie asked.
“Oh yeah can you put this in Cassius‘ locker?” Alastrona asked giving Ellie the note.
“Sure. Well we have to go anyways. My mom‘s waiting outside.”
“Thank you. Bye”
They left and Alastrona dropped her head on her pillow. As she began to day dream what to do while in the hospital or when she gets out. The door begins to open and she shoots up hoping it’s the nurse saying you can go. However, it was Toast.
“Toast?” Alastrona questioned.
“I heard you got in an accident.” Toast said while sitting on the edge of her bed.
“Yeah. But it’s stupid they‘re keeping me here until Tuesday even though I can walk. See.” Alastrona gets out of her bed and begins to walk around. She walks then runs then turns and trips.
Toast back rolls off the bed lands it and catches Alastrona in a heroic way. Being held in his arms gracefully. Staring eyes to eyes about two to three inches away from each others faces. As Alastrona’s arms were around Toast’s neck. Cassius walked into the room.
Cassius gasped “I KNEW IT!” He screamed.
Alastrona got out of Toast’s arms and walked back to her bed. “Toast you should go and Cassius come and talk with me.”
Toast leaves and Cassius slams the door then, stomps over to Alastrona.
“I knew it you were cheating with me!” Cassius yells.
“No I wasn‘t! He was considerate enough to come and see me and not leave me a rude message! And I just met him yesterday. Now calm down.” Alastrona replied.
“How can I calm down when your cheating on me?”
“Because I‘m not!”
“How can I believe you?”
“Because. You know me I don‘t lie.”
“I‘ll give you another chance.”
“Thanks.”
They began to hug and Alastrona began to tear.
“What‘s wrong?” Cassius asked.
“I‘m just happy you believe me. And you believe this three year relationship has all been honest.” Alastrona replied.
A nurse walks in and says, “Alastrona Charna! You can go.”
“Yeah! Cassius. Can you drive me home?”
“Sure Alas.”
They hug and the door was left open. Alastrona looked at what she could see of the hallway. She saw Toast walking by. He stops and waves then runs off before Cassius sees.
“Alas. I like it. Now stay here I‘m going to change in the bathroom.” As she takes her stuff and walks to the bathroom.
“What should we do?” Alas shouted from the bathroom.
“I don‘t know. You choose.” Cassius replied.
Alas walks out of the bathroom fully dressed putting her hair in a ponytail “You‘re so sweet.” Giving him a kiss on the cheek “How about… the beach?”
“Sure. Whatever you want.”
Walking into his car made Alas feel like something creepy was going to happen. Nauseating and stomach pains began.
“What‘s wrong?” Cassius asked.
“I think it‘s just being in a car.” Alas replied. “I think I‘ll be alright.”
They left the hospital on their way to the beach. It was hot out for February. Between 60-70 degrees out. Alas fell asleep leaning on the window.
“Hey… Hey… Alas wake up.” Cassius said pushing Alas lightly.
“Huh?” Alas said looking out the window as she woke up. “We‘re here.”
Running out of the car onto the warm soft sand. Running through the water with joy, watching the surfers crash. All having a blast, when while playing in the water a huge wave came and knocked out Alas.
“Oh my god!” Many people on the beach scream.
Cassius who just stood there hoping she was going to get up and start walking to him. When, Toast came out of nowhere throwing off his jacket and book bag into the water. He came back with Alas. Laid her on the sand and checked if she was still breathing. “She‘s not breathing.” Toast said right before giving her CPR. Two breaths and two pushes on her chest.
Alas coughed three times. “Where am I? I‘m not back in the hospital am I?”
“No. You‘re on the beach.” A lifeguard answered. “Thanks to this hero you might have been a goner. No way I could run as fast as him.” She said about Toast.
“Toast? Why are you al--- Never mind. Thank you. Where’s Cassius?” Alas asked.
“Alas! Alas! Over here.” Cassius yelled in the crowd. As he pushes and shoves his way to Alas. “I thought I almost lost you again.”
“Cassius? Shouldn‘t you thank someone?”
“Oh. Yeah. Tha-- Tha-- Thanks”
“It was nothing.” Toast said.
“Nothing! That was my life!” Alas yelled. “Let‘s go Cassius.”
Alas stomps away as Cassius follows. Sand kicked into Toast’s face. Alas and Cassius climb into the car and drive off.
Toast still sitting there depressingly. Thinking he just said something extremely pitiful. Everyone walks away and Toast plummets into the sand. Many wonders and thoughts flowing through as he drifts to sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm editing this at 9, so if I miss anything, then I'm sorry.
I'm going to repeat what someone else said, maybe have Ellie try and peek into the note or something, that might show her curiosity. If you don't want to do it that way, then that's fine.
'Tis called a backward sumersault. I like the idea though.
I know this isn't a really good review, but I'm tired. Few things to watch out on (and tips).
1. You're tense. Sometimes I have the same problem.
2. Description, put it everywhere, I've read some of your writing and I know you can use description.
One thing to help this would be just doing something and writing about it, and I mean a paragraph description. Since you like manga alot, maybe try taking one of the pictures for your character and writing a very long description of them, and something they do. If you want me too, I'll critique it during L.A. tomorrow.
-MV
-- She grew more scared hoping that he wouldn't beat up one of her guy friends. He was always suspicious about him cheating. -- I found that there was a lot of incomplete thoughts in this paragraph. Whose blue eyes. Why is she drawing. What???? Try to clear it up. Also a lot of the wording was awkward
-- say "Better," Alastrona rubbed her head. “
-- she asks what the note is but then Alastrona asks her to put it in Cassius's locker. Too confusing/ Ellie should be more curious about the note she wrote.
-- Lots of jumping around. It was kind of hard to follow Take out the As...out sentence. You're also confusing the verb tenses again. I recommend staying completely in the past.
-- didn't really understand what you were trying to say. take out Alastrona stared into Toast's eyes, her nose inches away from his face. -- As Alastrona wrapped her arms around Toast's neck, Cassius walked into the room
-- talk about her emotion or something. Is she scared. Does she give Toast a meaningful look?
.-- Alastrona felt tears welling up in her eyes
-- what does he like/ who is speaking here?
Okay. You have alot of great ideas here. This could be the making of a good story. I just want to make a few suggestions
1) Watch out for too many fragments! They confuse the readers and has too many ideas going on at once!
2) You jump around way too much. The plot is hard to follow so I would slow down if I were you and reread this chapter. See if everything follows logically (people's emotions, how they react, their actions are they realistic?)
3) Pick a verb tense. Past or present. I recommend past. Then stick with one because if you jump around it's hard too read/ understand what's going on.
4) Add more detail. We really want to know what's going on. Slow everything down.
Other than that well done! Keep at it!