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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
This is really good ^^ I like the whole gist of the poem ^^
Though, there were a few little blips I found;
1) "And yet again, you never looked back"
~It's 'the yet again' part ^^'' Every other stanza of the poem has just 'yet'. Ii just felt that it was a little bump in the flow, you know what I'm saying? ^^'' Unless you were going for that ^^''
2) Well, that's about it ^^ Anything else has been mentioned already ^^
But seriously, this poem is awsome; Good grammer, good spelling, good theme ^^ Please, continue to write more poetry ^u^ You're good ^u^
thank you..
i will go over it again, if the changes will not ruin the meaning i might go for it..I appreciate the effort and help to improve my writings..
Hey, I found it
. A few things. Cool idea, kinda fitting for your first post. Now, I don't do poetry very often, so I don't know some of the technical things, but this is better than anything I write. There are a few things that should be fixed though.
First of all, this line
Can make washed away my pain.
I think that you were trying to maintain a certain tense, but this just confused me. It stopped me right in the middle and ruined the flow of the whole thing. Perhaps reword it or change it to "wash away my pain"
Another,
The madness of life makes one's head spun around
Spin around would be the proper grammar
One more,
You put your gear up and opened your little mouth
You switched tenses all of a sudden, I don't know if this was on purpose, but it's poor grammar (which is sometimes acceptable in poetry, I know). Plus, I don't know what "put your gear up" means.
Overall, good job, and remember, these are just my opinions. They may seem wrong to you and you can feel free to ignore them, these are just my thoughts. Welcome to YWS and thank you for sharing this poem with me.
So do I..
And yeah, that's my initial reaction too when i read my work.;D Thank you..
Hey, greetings! Welcome to YWS! (;
So, ERZA sort of got to what I probably would've said, so hopefully I won't repeat anything. Anyhow, this is a really good poem that you've got here. The title drew me in instantly, and I had first thought that, oh, this wouldn't be some poem about the little voices that come with insanity, would it? (Then again, we're all little crazy.) I can honestly say that this is a poem whose nature is of something that I haven't seen for quite a while. It's very strong in its wording, beginning and conclusion were done absolutely beautifully! The questions that start each stanza and the "and yet," at the end was really a great presentation of a different style, added in drama and a voice that's trying to be heard through these words. Totally made the last stanza a great concluding final line of deep, careful thought and emotion.
Though, there are some things that I'll point out.
Stanza two was a bit confusing, you were a little vague, and doesn't really add up. It may from my own inexperience that my confusion is present, but perhaps you may want to consider rewriting that. Why would they be wondering? From laughter that affects the souls around them? Just some thoughts.
Also,
Stanza 4 threw me off at 'thy'. Its sudden appearance makes it stand out from the rest of the words that do no express similar vocabulary. It had a nice ring to it, but it's still standing out from the rest of the words which'll make it disrupt the flow.
Finally,
This was my favorite stanza (especially the last two lines), though reading "taunting eyebrows" had made me stop to think, 'what?' I think that 'expressions' would fit better here, since while eyebrows could show expression itself, I can't really picture.. taunting eyebrows.. unless you could prove me wrong.
Overall, this was a very strong poem. Your spelling and grammar was immaculate, and I really was moved by it. It sounded like a lot of fears and personal doubts and past rejection is being faced all at once (like public speaking, perhaps?) and it's just so beautiful. I had to reread several times to really get the gist of the story that the poem may be presenting, and the words were just so easy in get lost in. I could read this again and again and still love it and be able to relate. I am totally looking forward to seeing more of your work around here. Keep on writing!
Hope that this review helps.
With sincere words,
~IRI
Hello,
First of all I would like to thank you for the sincere review. It was my first time to received something like this (a very very lone one) so, I kinda felt overwhelmed. But in a good way. I was happy you liked it and to know that in some way it kinda touched your heart. Correct me if I'm wrong, but i want to believe it does.
Yeah,i'd been told that my words were strong and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway thanks for thinking i'd done a great job for the last part.
To be honest, I do write poem but I'm not actually fond of reading one. I know it's weird but I've no idea how could that be. So, that'y why my writing style, which I called "free verse style", was really different.
And regarding to the 2nd stanza, I'm not aware that it's vague but now that u mentioned it, it kinda did. On that part, what i meant was, a happy soul can affects people around but they tend to believe that this soul might be lonely and just wanted to appear strong. Am I making sense?
Oh! okey. Yeah, you were right, it kinda have a good ring on my ears that's why it was there. Thanks for pointing that one out. I know it's an old form but I actually liked the sound. Can you blame me for loving it.?:D
That, taunting eyebrows,.. yeah, it's weird but try to get a mirror, looked closely to your eyebrows, make your eyes like staring at someone one that you wanna throw out on your window, a pierce stare like shooting some daggers, and feel outrage but then an angel walked past you and you don't wanna give an impression that you were a freak so you'll make your appearance rather cute but covering your killing aura, if you'd done all that you'll notice your eyebrows do all the talking. That's what I meant. It's crazy right?:)
Lastly, thank you again. Yeah, re-reading it will gonna help you figure out the really words that were stuck on it.. Enjoy digging..
-Kate
Very good and a meaningful poem I should say. This is a very complicated poem for me since I am younger but I will try. To me a few things were not clearly written in here. Maybe that was what you wanted but this vagueness of the poem makes it more serious and stuff. It just holds too much of meaning. The line "Can make washed away my pain." looked a bit strange. How about "Can make my pain go away"? I don't know but i think that that should be changed. I know what you wanted to tell but this line throws the poem out of flow.
Well, lets start then. I liked everything and you did a good work too. You maintained the stanzas very well.It was punctuated properly too and then again it has a good flow and gives out the vibes properly. The mood of the poem remained the same throughout and that is a good thing. Overall, a very good poem. Keep it up and keep writing.
Thank you. And sorry if you find it vague. I thought i was writing a simple one, but maybe I was wrong to believed that.
..It was a real and serious one but I might try to make it more simpler as possible.
..I'm considering your point but I wanna think over it. I'll let you know when I'm done choosing my options.
Again thank you very much..