For Adebola Irede Daniel
'Cause I still can't figure you out
_______________
'Sometimes, the whisper is louder than the shout'
I hear incessant voices
Demanding a voiceless listen
But my words are only too loud
And they don't hear above their din
'If you can't hear yourself, turn down the world's volume'
The feeling of drowning, dry
As you hear the rivers rush just by you
But they leave you to die
For even a little touch might wake you
'When there's nothing else to do, I listen, even to the sound of not breathing'
As furious beeping, continuous and consuming
And sad screaming, consistent and agonising
And they play tug with my heart
I know, I belong to the white light.
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Hello! I am ILoveBooks! Ready to review your poem! Happy Review Day after all! This probably be the second to the last review I will give for tonight. Because seriously I think this is my hundredth review already.
Enough of blabbering...Lets start with the review shall we?
This poem is um...interesting.
I like your title though. I love it. You express so much. It's like someone is whispering on the person ear which was probably their self conscious. It's like someone is telling to shut the world up? Am I correct? If its wrong. Please bare with me. I'm not great at figuring out the topic. And I'm pretty tired to find my wording.
I think this poem is about death and the person is experience bad past and bad life? I think. That's why someone I like whispering to them to shut the world up?
I also notice something. This is some kind of angst poem! Oh feel my enthusiasm! Roar! Even in tired...I can still feel adrenaline rush at my entire body because seriously I LOVE angst poem! I can express my feelings to it seriously! I keep telling different poetry writers that I live angstbpoem you are probably like the 20th writers I already told about it.
I think just continue with the flow of the poem and recheck everything before publishing this. I dont get the white light though. Wait a second okay? *Reread everything from the start* oh I got it already! Is it talking about heaven? I hope it is! At least th person is having hope that if she or he commit suicide he can find a way to go to heaven!
I picture everything so bad. When I read this. I was like wow. I reread it so many times until it hit me like a ton of brick already!
Overall well done!
-ILoveBooks123
Alrighty Kat here to write what feels like my thousandth review for Team WHY?
A little confused at first but I must say once I really got into it, I loved it . What you're trying to say about loosing yourself in the worlds confusion and clutter is very interesting . I don't know quite what you meant by white light unless you mean death which you might .*reads again* oh it is death how clever ! Is this person just so overwhelmed they committed suicide? Or is it some other issue? Maybe if you elaborated a bit more it would answer such questions but I like how it is open so that readers can draw their own conclusions so that's really your choice there . The only other thing really is maybe some more adjectives so I get more of picture when I read this piece. Other than that , nice job
~Kat
Hello Beeyaay,
I think you've got a really good rhythm with the poem. Working with the sounds of the words and creating slant rhymes like voice and voiceless is a very good place to start. You've also got the ing repetitious sound at the end with furious and continuous. I really like that. I think it works well with the content too because you're talking about listening even to the sound of nothing and this sort of rhythm brings forward sound more than word.
I think if you want to improve upon the poem, you're going to have to work on content. So while I think the poem is good, I think you're missing a couple things when it comes to what it means. They might be clear to you when you read the poem, but I don't know how clear they will be to other people. Some things that I don't quite understand in your poem include the person you're referring to at the start, why some lines are italicised and how a white light ties into this whole thing. White light usually means dying but I don't see how the person is dying at the end of the poem. Sure, you talk about dying before that but it all seems very metaphorical and meaning more the sinking stillness of meditation, not death death, not like, up and die. I don't see how a white light can happen in that instance. If you're talking about enlightenment in terms of the white light, I think it's a rather poor one. It's more connected with the christian idea of heaven than enlightenment.
That being said, I think the only other thing to work on is a little more clarity in general. A lot of the images were very clear, but they weren't very memorable. Working on popping your wording through contrast will help make the poem memorable.
Overall, this is a really good poem. I like it a lot, it just needs that extra little push.
Aley
Hey Bee~
This was an interesting idea you toyed with here; the idea that "silence speaks a thousand words" and that even the smallest sounds can trigger some kind of an emotional or mental reaction to the people listening. As opposed to the loud noises and incessancy that often become repetitive and blend together. This does need a little work, though, in my opinion. So here we go.
By "Demanding a voiceless listen" I can either infer that the incessant voices a demanding that a person that is voiceless listen, or that you're using "voiceless" as an adjective to describe "listen" as the noun. This is a little rough around the edges. Maybe try using either "demanding the voiceless listen" or "demanding the voiceless to listen".
This is quite vague. First, "only" seems like the incorrect term to use here. You're describing how your words are too loud; so it's possible and even likely that what your saying is at higher volume than the rest of the noise around you. "Only" sounds like your describing a lesser quality or value, and it throws your reader off, you know?
Building on this point: overall, I think your piece could use some more descriptive imagery. I know what your communicating through your poem, but I can't imagine where you are or what you're feeling. I think this gets better toward the end of your poem, but the beginning just needs a little more. I actually find it hard giving advice like this to people that have rhyming poems, because I know that it's hard to make the rhyme pattern seem effortless, especially when you're inclined to develop on certain concepts on ideas. Likewise, you don't have to take my suggestion, but maybe abandoning the rhyme scheme would make it easier for you to evoke feeling from your reader?
Anyway, if you do decide to do this, then I'll give you an example of developing your imagery a little. Instead of "they don't hear above their din", you could do
"Sounds emit from my throat,
but they yell and spit amongst
the yell and spit of the mob
and underpower the whispers of the one.
I shout until my throat is red and raw,
but my voice only files in at the back of the line
waiting it's turn to be silent
and to be heard."
Or something...shorter. Haha. I got carried away. Don't mind me.
Anyway, I think your ending is wonderful. The only thing I'd suggest you fix is in the second to last line
Otherwise, I think you just need to paint a little more of a picture in your reader's mind. Instead of keeping it black and white, draw emotion from me. What you did was like writing a fictional book that focused on the facts but failed to embellish on the setting or on the feelings of the characters. Develop the end of your poem, make your beginning a little more like your end, and you're golden.
All in all, this has potential.
Yours,
Savvy
Thanknyoubso much savvy, I'll work on it......watch Out!
I like the poem. It is good enough to realize how life goes on. I think white light indicates the positivity. So basically it declares that all is well. Moreover sadness and grief are parts of our lives. So get used to it and enjoy your life. Be your own angel your own guide and the world will follow you. Stay blessed.
Thanks Tanny!