Turmoil
Like a sunken ship
The sides caved in
Like sallow cheeks
Gaunt and lifeless
Gone are the days
Of high seas
Braving the wind
Cascading the white caps
Traversing the endless blue
Now are the times
Of responsibility
And consequences
Of bills and restraints
Gone are the days of fun
Of Staying up late
And not worrying about tomorrow
Of cherished moments
Seeping into the sand...
Your mind is turning into a sieve
The depths have claimed you eternally.
Gone forever.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good evening dear poet! ^^
Like lilchoma, I don't like the repetition of sunken. I'm not sure how you can fix it, but I'm more than certain you can come up with a wonderful description to be plugged there.I think I understood this, and it came rather easily I must say. It seems to be about how childhood - the adventures - has gone away and faded into adulthood, responsibilities. Which is a great theme, I have to say. The metaphor you used for it is excellent.
I think you could take it just a bit further though, and make more of it. For example you say "responsibility" and "fun" and "adventure" but can you tell us more? What are the responsibilities like, and the lost fun? Make this more than the skeletal draft of a poem - make it a full thing. Fill out your descriptions, so to speak.
Another thing to keep in mind is imagery. You use a lot of visual imagery, but remember there isn't just one sense! You can appeal to sent, taste, touch, and hearing as well. Try to work these in with your descriptions, and it will help give a wonderful adventure for the reader - and a longing for the times past.
Best of luck!
Thank you lilchoma! And I certainly agree, saying those words with a british accent makes them sounds 30.000 times better! I laughed out loud when I read that! Also, I agree with your critique about the beginning lines...I will change those for sure! The way I write poems is I just pull up word and type-I don't change anything, but I'm using this website as my own personal editor! Thanks, and I look forward to reading your material, and if you are so inclined, continue to read mine as well! I enjoy your humor!
i didnt take much time to try and understand this poem, which could take a while, so ill just say that i don't really get it. but that may be just me. other than that little detail, it sounds like a good poem. i like the "cascading" bit and the "traversing" also. nice descriptive words, and they're also fun to say out loud, especially in an english accent, which i frequently do when i read.
the only part i think it could do without is maybe the first two lines, how you used the word "sunken" twice. maybe once would be better, but i can't really think of another word you could use at the moment, so if you want, you can just disregard that little critique. i mean, if someone thinks someone else could make something better, but can't say exactly how that someone would go about doing so, then the someone else doesn't really have to listen to them.
but yes. nice poem. and p.s., is your little...crap what's it called? the thing beneath the little line under the poem? anyways, is that from o captain my captain? just wondering because i love that poem. well, now that im done being random and frightening and loserish ill just go now.
thanks for the good read.