Written from a prompt Cadi put up on WritingGooder I wrote it in about half an hour at work so it's not the greatest thing in the world.
“Do you trust me?” He whispered, his warm breath tickling my face.
My mind felt stunted for a while, trying to process what he was saying to me. Not because I didn’t understand it. Trust is a term I am familiar with, if not one I apply to my relationships. I just couldn’t believe he was picking this particular moment to ask me.
I looked him in the eyes, trying to express my annoyance. “Do you really think this is an appropriate time to ask?”
He pulled away from me slightly, a confused crease forming between his brows. “When is a good time?”
“Oh I dunno…maybe when you don’t have one of your knives in my gut?”
I watched him deflate a little and pull back, taking the knife with him. “Oh, right…of course.”
He stepped back from me and wiped the knife on his jeans as I surveyed the damage. A tiny strip adorned the skin of my stomach where he’d cut into me. His knives were always sharp so the wound was clean. I’d felt the metal slip easily into me only aware of a slight pressure. There was no blood or pain, just a strange tingling and I watched curiously as the skin began to knit itself back together again.
I looked up in time to see Zack pick up a gun and twirl it easily in his hand. “How about I shoot you?”
“Sure! Why not just chop off my head while you’re at it!” I replied incredulous.
He stopped the gun dead in his hand and considered my words far too seriously. “I do have an axe stashed somewhere.”
I sighed and collapsed on the tatty sofa behind me. “This from the person who not five minutes ago asked me if I trusted him.”
“So no axe?”
“No axe,” I repeated.
“And no gun?”
“No, Zack! No gun! What is wrong with you?” I pulled my knees up to my chin, already tired of being around him. It was hard even when he wasn’t stabbing me.
“Sorry…” he offered lamely.
I looked up at him and allowed the corner of my mouth to tip up in a smile. “It’s ok…could we just…not try to kill me for at least five minutes?”
Zack nodded, put the gun back on the table of weapons, and flopped down on the sofa next to me, giving me one of his easy smiles.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
I have to agree with the MC. That was a weird question to be asking considering the situation they were in. I don't understand the relationship between the two. It seems like a complicated one. Seriously complicated. I kind of wish I knew more about them as characters, and maybe then I'd know what's really happening. Are they in a relationship? Kidnapper-hostage kind of thing? I don't really know. And if I were the MC, I'd be freaked.
I like your writing style a lot, and the way you describe facial expressions/movements/etc. Those kinds of things really caught my eye. You worked them nicely. Grammar looks right, and I only picked one punctuation error.
Just add a comma after "replied" and you're good!
Nicely done!
This is a very fine piece of work...you could make it something of a trailer to promote some novel of yours that you could write based on this lol but I am being honest here! Its that good!
Every thing is well written as it was done in half an hours time. Theres nothing much visual in here. Its as if the main focus is on those two random characters. Good work really and also its teally nice to write something like this oncr in a while...helps to sharpen up your writung skills also if you try to jot down those brainwave ideas that often comes us writer folks then those pieces of ideas could sometimes give you new ideas and inspiration to write something. Job perfectly done!
As a loyal student of Kafka, I found the bizarreness of this piece amusing, if not especially moving. The characteristic disturbingly honest symbolism, at least, evidences Kafka, though the style (though, as you admitted, a bit haphazard at parts) seems more along the lines of Chekhov, where the bizarreness reveals itself more prominently in inter-character relations. To me this seemed more of an exercise in symbolism than anything serious or approaching serious. I say this because there is no distinct development, and if there is, the ending is so unambitious that none is within my observation.
It is no parable, even though your premise may have indicated it, for parables necessitate development. It doesn't seem to be a piece of something larger, as its sole purpose seems to be manipulation of allegory for the purpose of experimentation, and no attempt seems to be made to hint at any further developments. Further, a longer story would undermine the singular strangeness of this particular scene. The symbolism is clear, but arbitrary. This seems like something perhaps composed in a few minutes for a school assignment with the purpose of emulating Kafka, but not much more.
If this was meant to be more than an exercise, I suggest starting again, keeping in mind that symbols should support the story and the characters, not so much the other way around. But this works for the purpose I think it was designed for, however tame. Hope I helped.
-Kafka
Oh man. This is amazing. I'm getting ideas. I can see it as part of something longer, and I want to read that something! xD