One day there I saw her just walking down the street looking as happy as could be.
But that's not how this poem ends.
Like I said she was walking down the street happily in the middle of Winter.
Until a transport truck slipped on a patch of ice!
Maybe it was her time, maybe it was fiat.
My guess was that it just happened cause she looked happy as ever,
so I don't think someone as sweet looking as her
have this happen to them cause she was bad so it was fiat!
So as I was saying the transport truck came from out of no where
and slipped on a patch of ice and swerved right into the curve
and the last two sounds u heard before it happened were.
the transport truck honking to tell her to move
and the girl's scream cause she knew it was to late to move!
And so that is y i call this poem " The Fatal Poem"
it was one freak accident on one fatal day!
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As Simon Cowell might say: "Awful. Truly awful."
Not only is the subject matter done to death, but your grasp of poetics is, as mentioned above, painfully lacking. Why did you choose to make each sentence its own line? Why did you break the flow with colloquial phrases like "as I was saying" and "like I said?" And why--dear god, why?!--did you choose to include those absolutely horrifying last two lines?
Line 3: Winter should not be capitalized when found in the middle of a sentence, unless you're echoing the Romantics or Emily Dickinson. If that's true, then just stop writing poetry.
Line 5: "Fiat?" You don't mean fate, do you?
Line 9: "Nowhere" is one word.
Line 10: "Curve" should be "curb."
Line 11: u = you.
Line 13: Cause should have an apostrophe in front of it if abbreviated from "because," like: 'cause.
Line 14: y = why; also, i should be capitalized.
Suzie is right. Using incorrect English in a poem suggests immature control of writing. For all our sakes, get your head in the dictionary and out of your chat window. Did you really mean "fate" by "fiat"? *shudders*
The narrative style is interesting...the poem itself isn't fantastic, but the rambling, story-like style could work, especially in a performance poem. I like the attention to detail and the (attempt at) humor. As Suzanne said, read some poetry, honestly, it will do you so much good. But I do like the informal narrative style.
-Colleen
Oh my... please, do not use chat speak in poetry or any form of writing, for that matter. It's incredebly immature and annoying. Write out the words if you're going to be a writer.
This was more like a story in verse rather than a poem. Even at that...it failed. I am sorry to be so cruel and blunt but perhaps my honesty will help. I suggest that you pick up a book on poetry, and some poetry collections, and do a bit of reading so you know what you are trying to write before you pick your pen up again.
Best of luck.
I must be completely honest with u I'm not completely in love with this poem. It's kind of interesting but difficult to follow and hard to understand. Some grammar problems too. It could some editing. Also, it seems more like an amusing, funny poem rather than dramatic. What do you think?
Cheers,
Nikki17