Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Okay, so there are many problems with this story. I think you have got a real cool plot here; wizards and witches often make for excellent story-telling. You have got the opportunity to go crazy on the plot, you can build your world from the scratch any way you want, give your characters all sorts of cool powers and basically do anything you want to - its your reign. However, for all of that to work you need to have good characters and a plot and you have to know how to execute everything properly. That is where the story goes wrong.
This feels like a short summary of the story told from a kid's point of view. The sudden exclamations make the story feel very informal and it completely destroys any kind of flow the story had built. There's no need for the exclamations, just like there's no need for the excitement which suddenly burst forth from the text without any reason. There is no introduction, no plot and no ending. Its just words that have somehow found themselves in the middle of this story.
There is no pacing, no format. Most of the time, it is difficult to understand what we are supposed to take from the story. We are basically introduced to these characters in a lazy, unproductive way and then that's it. That is basically where the story ends. You cannot sell that. You have to have more content. You have to have a plot and you have to weave a story around that so that your readers have something to actually read. Because this is definitely not going to hold them.
The several typos in the story have already been pointed out by other reviewers, so I am just going to show you the places where you could have shaped the story a little differently.
Are story starts with the Crinoline family. They are a family of eight and they had a REALLY BIG secret that they were hiding from the world!
Never start a story with: our story starts here... Your readers know where your story starts, its literally the beginning of the story - there's nothing before that. No need to point out the obvious. Also, avoid capitalizing words. If you are excited about some plot point and you want to put emphasis on it, then you establish its importance through your writing. Don't tell us that it is exciting, rather just show us. There's a big difference between show and tell.
Well not exactly the whole world just normal people that weren't magical like the Crinoline's!
Informal writing. Makes it feel as if you are narrating the story to a child in kindergarten.
There were 3 wizards and 3 witches in that family.
This is a story, not a science project. There are other ways to introduce the lead characters in your story. Give them personality, establish them in a way that your readers can instantly connect with them. Names are not introductions, we need to know who these people are and why we should be interested in their story.
So the parents have kept there secrets for 35 years each and the girls each fifteen cause they were all triplets and the guys have been keeping it for sixteen years cause they are all triplets also!
Random fact that has nothing to do with the story. You could have just mentioned that they were all triplets instead of beating around the bush with pointless talk and wasting words. And yes, that is pretty much the story we get here. That is the end.
As you can see, there is no plot here, no conflict, no resolution, no character development. We don't even know what we are supposed to feel as we reach the end, so I am hoping that this is not the end and that there is more to the story. But if this is it, then you seriously need to find a plot.
Like I said, there are many ways for you to show your creativity here. You just need to work on them.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
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